AITA for choosing to make my friend my medical power of attorney over my wife?

Jonathan Hours
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Picture a hospital worker, surrounded by life-and-death choices, deciding it’s time to plan his own end-of-life care. At 35, he tells his wife his wishes: if quality of life is gone, let him go. But she vows to keep him alive, no matter what. After heated debates, he names his oldest friend as his Medical Power of Attorney (MPOA), trusting she’ll honor his will. His wife is furious.

This Reddit saga is a raw clash of love, autonomy, and hard truths. Was picking his friend a betrayal, or a safeguard for his peace? It’s a story that hums with the weight of mortality and the fight for control over one’s fate.

‘AITA for choosing to make my friend my medical power of attorney over my wife?’

This Reddit post unveils a man’s quest to secure his end-of-life wishes against his wife’s resistance. Here’s his story, unfiltered:

My wife (F33) and I (M35) have been married for 8 years with two kids. I work in a hospital and seeing some very difficult decisions over the past year, I realized I really needed to get my legal affairs in order. During this process, I had a conversation with my wife about end-of-life decisions. There are a number of situations where my quality of life and function would be low enough that I would want care to be discontinued.

I expressed these concerns with my wife and what I would wish for her to do under these conditions. She insists that she would never discontinue care under any conditions. At this point, we've had this discussion a dozen times, with no resolution and a lot of arguing. As far as I'm concerned, I'm unmovable in how I would want my care to be delivered.

I will not risk being a patient with no chance of recovery, suffering in silence. I ultimately decided to name my oldest friend as my MPOA, because I know she will honor my decisions under these circumstances.. My wife is pretty pissed at me. AITA?
This marital standoff is a stark lesson in autonomy versus emotional attachment. The man’s hospital experience shapes his clear stance: no prolonged suffering with no recovery. His wife’s refusal to honor this, despite repeated talks, undermines the core purpose of an MPOA—to act as the patient’s voice. Choosing his friend, who aligns with his wishes, is a pragmatic move to ensure his values prevail.

Bioethicist Dr. Arthur Caplan notes, “An MPOA must prioritize the patient’s directives, not their own emotions” (Source). A 2023 study in The Hastings Center Report found that 54% of spouses struggle to follow end-of-life wishes due to emotional conflict (Source). The wife’s stance, likely rooted in love, dismisses his autonomy, while his decision protects it, though it stings her.

He could offer a mediated talk to explain his choice, easing her hurt without compromising. “Clarity reduces conflict,” Caplan advises. The wife must grapple with his right to decide, possibly with counseling. The friend should prepare for potential family pushback.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit weighed in with takes as sharp as a scalpel. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

SlowBumblebee8609 − NTA. You have different wishes and a power of attorney is the one who is carrying out your wishes, not their own. It's the person who is going to be your voice when you aren't able to speak. Your wife has stated on several times that she would use that power for her own wishes, not yours.. She doesn't want to be your voice, so you aren't giving her that title.

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readshannontierney − NTA. Your wife isn't the one hypothetically on pressers with a C4-C5 injury and an ET or trach for the rest of her bedridden life. A lot of non-medical people simply don't know the horrors of a life being over but the person hasn't died yet. They can't fathom it even when explained. They have to live it to get it, and you have every right to refuse to be her learning opportunity.

Scott2929 − NTA. Your MPOA should act as you would, not bringing their own values into decisions about your care.

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ArcanTemival − NTA. If you're in a position where you're unable to make your own medical decisions, you need somebody willing to advocate for your interests in your place. Your wife has made it clear she's unwilling to do so. She's ruled herself out of consideration as your advocate.

AccessibleBeige − NTA. If your spouse (or other relative considered closest next of kin) will not direct your care how you would want them to in the event of incapacitation, then what choice do you have? Giving MPOA to someone you know you can trust is the only viable option if you want your wishes honored.

[Reddit User] − NTA you’ve done both of you a favor.

LoveBeach8 − NTA. The whole purpose of the POLST/DNR is to make sure that your wishes are carried out. No one should blatantly disregard your requests for end of life care. As a hospice nurse myself, I've seen my share of disasters when family members try to find loopholes or ways to bypass the legal forms and try to implement life-saving measures against the patient's wishes.

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If you have someone other than your wife who will carry out your wishes, then that's what you should do. It'll give you peace of mind. Sometimes, the person closest to us lets their emotions get in the way of doing the right thing.

Mr_Ham_Man80 − NTA. These kind of decisions are important and if you are adamant that you want the 'plug pulled' in certain situations you need to have someone who knows that and is strong enough to do it.

It can be harder for a partner than it is for a friend unless she has some belief system that she's sticking to. I think you've made the right choice, it is your life and you're allowed to be unmovable on this because you'll be the one experiencing it if the worst happens.

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Mbr2 − NTA, I think your wife is coming from a place of love, but she won’t agree to you to how you would want it to be handled. I get why she is pissed but I think you did what you needed to do.

JudgeJed100 − NTA - you made your wishes clear, she refused to abide by those wishes. You found someone who would. You are completely in the right here.

These Reddit opinions are as bold as a DNR order, but do they miss the wife’s emotional perspective?

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This story is a poignant blend of love, fear, and resolve. The man’s choice of his friend as MPOA guards his end-of-life wishes, but it fractures his wife’s trust. Could more talks or a counselor bridge their gap, or was his call the only way? What would you do if your spouse couldn’t honor your final wishes? Share your thoughts—have you ever faced a clash over life’s toughest choices?

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