AITA for choosing my brother over my GF and not defending her against my friends ?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cramped apartment buzzing with the warmth of newfound family, a young man faced a heart-wrenching choice: loyalty to his struggling brother or defending his girlfriend’s careless words. The air was thick with tension, the kind that makes your stomach knot, as 21-year-old OP stood by his 18-year-old brother, Luke, whose world had just crumbled after coming out to their unsupportive parents. The girlfriend’s flippant remark about Luke’s identity sparked a firestorm, leaving OP to navigate love, loyalty, and a house full of protective roommates.

This story isn’t just about a single night—it’s a snapshot of standing up for those who need it most. With emotions running high and friendships tested, readers are drawn into a tale that’s as relatable as it is raw, wondering where they’d draw the line in a clash of family and romance.

‘AITA for choosing my brother over my GF and not defending her against my friends ?’

I’m 21 and my brother Luke is 18. I was always very protective of my brother. He was the accident baby and my parents made sure that we knew he wasn’t wanted. We are the opposite, I am into sport and outgoing, he is shy and introvert. So they always criticised him, compared us and everything he did was never good enough..

Because of that Luke got more withdrawn around my parents and my family. For my friends, we are a group of 4. I met them when I was between 6 and 10. We became inseparable since then and they quickly took the role of big brother with Luke. So during our childhood it was always me, my friends and Luke.

We were the one taking care of him, driving him, cheering for him at competions, helping with homeworks… Things changed when me and my friends started university. We were less present. With Covid his school closed and his competions stoped. He was alone at home with my parents and it got really hard for him mentally..

This year in september I took an appartment with my friends and we changed city. 1 month ago Luke came one night in tears. He came out to our parents the night of his 18 birthday, and it went badly. They told him awful things and still do everyday. Apparently they will accept him only if he decided to date a girl to avoid any shame.

They also told him I would never accept him and this is why he never told me until now. I never saw my brother that depressed. That night I told everything to my friends. The next day the 3 of them told us that he should move in and they were adament that he should not pay rent or anything.. He is doing home classes, everything is good and I can see him getting happier everyday.

Now the issue : I got with my GF 4 months ago and since Luke came living with us she has some complains : I am too close to him, he is always here,always sad..(she says that in front of him). I told her to stop but my roomates told me she still do it when I am in another room. 2 days ago the both of us were watching a movie and Luke was working on the table next to us.

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She suddently started talking about her dream wedding and at one point she said : « Luke if you want to come to our wedding you will have to bring a woman as a date, 2 men together are not pretty for the pictures. You will just have to date a girl it’s not hard ».

Luke heard and I saw his face crumbled. I imediatly asked her to leave and told her I would speak with her the next day.  I spent the night reconforting Luke. During the evening she texted my rommates and they all told her that she was not welcome anymore.

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The next day she and I talked and she told me that it was just a joke, that Luke was too sensitive. She also got mad when I told her that she had to respect the wishes of my roomates, that it was their home too. She then accused me of not defending her, overrecating, being too protective/too close to Luke and not trying to understand her.. ​

Edit and Update: So I don't really know what to say, I wasn't expecting this post to blow up this much and I am overhelmed with all the answer and the kind words. I did break up with her yesterday right after this post, and I spent the evening/night with my brother and roomates.

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That's why I didn't respond to any of the comments. I tried to read some of them and I saw a few questions, I will try to read more today and maybe make an update to explain more and to answer a few comments.. Anyway thank you for all the messages of support and the kind words it means a lot to us.

Family dynamics can be a tightrope walk, especially when acceptance is at stake. The OP’s situation, where he prioritizes his brother’s emotional well-being over his girlfriend’s insensitivity, reflects a broader issue of balancing personal relationships with family loyalty. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, “Empathy and understanding are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship, whether familial or romantic” . Here, the girlfriend’s “joke” about Luke’s identity dismisses his pain, clashing with the OP’s protective instincts.

The girlfriend’s remarks reveal a lack of empathy, likely fueled by discomfort or jealousy over the OP’s bond with Luke. Meanwhile, OP’s choice to support his brother aligns with his long-standing role as Luke’s protector against their parents’ criticism. This isn’t just about a single comment—it’s about respecting someone’s identity during a vulnerable time.

This situation ties into a larger issue: the impact of rejection on young adults. A 2021 study from the Trevor Project found that 60% of LGBTQ+ youth faced family rejection, increasing risks of depression . The girlfriend’s insensitivity mirrors societal pressures to conform, exacerbating Luke’s pain. OP’s roommates, acting as a chosen family, offer a counterpoint by creating a safe space.

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For OP, moving forward means setting clear boundaries. Dr. Gottman suggests open communication to address conflicts without blame. OP could explain to his girlfriend (or ex) how her words harmed Luke, emphasizing respect for his brother’s identity. If she doubles down, as she did, parting ways may be the healthiest choice.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of cheers and jeers with the enthusiasm of a rowdy game night. Here’s the unfiltered take from the community:

SonuvaGunderson − NTA. You need a new girlfriend. You’re a good brother. Luke is lucky to have you.

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JudgeJudAITA − NTA. The next day she and I talked and she told me that it was just a joke, that Luke was too sensitive.. The mating cry of the unrepentant a**hole. She then accused me of not defending her, overrecating, being too protective/too close to Luke and not trying to understand her.. I think perhaps you are starting to understand who she really is.

Edit: The unrepentant a**hole stems from the “Luke is too sensitive” part. This is how the field biologist separates the girlfriend from a garden variety Schrödingers a**hole, who is either joking or not depending on the observed reaction.

Kris82868 − NTA. A sibling comes way before a 4 month girlfriend that who the hell knows if you will even be seeing 4 months from now. And why is she talking about some hypothetical wedding????

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PotentialityKnocks − NTA. That’s not a joke. That’s a horrible and cruel thing to say to a kid currently dealing with r**ection from his parents. She also sounds jealous of your brother, which is creepy

Krumbicwitch − Dump the girl, she's cruel and mean.

ineffable_sweetness − NTA. That wasn't a joke. That girl is a walking red flag.

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Jintess − NTA. Bullet.Dodged

vodka_philosophy − You aren't an a**hole for standing up for your brother in the moment, but you WILL be an a**hole if you stay with this girl. She wasn't joking; she was testing you to see if you'd let her get away with being her real, bigoted self; now that she knows you wouldn't,

she's trying to hide it under the cover of a 'joke' while at the same time accusing you of things to deflect from her own behavior and manipulate you into feeling guilty. She is pure toxicity and always will be, and, if you stay with her, she will still be mean to your brother but she will get sneaky about it and do it when you aren't around while counting on him being too self-conscious to say anything to you about it.

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Allaboutbird − Obvious NTA. This girl is being needlessly cruel and disrespectful to your brother. I hope you aren't actually thinking of marrying her one day.

spikeymist − NTA, definitely dump the girlfriend out of your life. She isn't the right woman for you if she can be so cruel to your brother.

These Redditors rallied behind OP’s loyalty to Luke, slamming the girlfriend’s cruelty as a dealbreaker. Some saw her “joke” as a mask for bigotry, while others questioned her rush to plan a wedding. But do these fiery takes capture the full story, or are they just adding fuel to the drama?

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This story of family loyalty versus romantic tension hits home for anyone who’s had to choose between loved ones. OP’s stand for his brother shines as a testament to unconditional support, but it leaves us wondering about the balance between love and loyalty. The girlfriend’s words cut deep, yet her perspective raises questions about communication and intent. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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