AITA for calling out my sister in law and my brother on their parenting skills and embarrassing humiliating them?

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In a lively family dining room, a 21-year-old woman’s playful makeup session with her young nephew and niece turns into a battleground of clashing values. When her conservative sister-in-law catches her applying makeup to her son, George, a heated confrontation erupts, spilling into a public dinner where accusations fly. The woman’s sharp clapback about toxic parenting hits a nerve, leaving her SIL near tears and the family divided.

This Reddit saga unfolds like a modern family drama, blending generational differences, gender norms, and raw emotions. The woman’s defense of her nephew’s joy collides with her SIL’s rigid beliefs, raising a big question: was her outspoken stand a necessary truth, or a step too far? Let’s dive into this colorful clash.

‘AITA for calling out my sister in law and my brother on their parenting skills and embarrassing humiliating them?’

My (21F) SIL (34F) has 3 children. The oldest one is 8 years old, and she has twins (6F who we’ll call Ann & 6M who we’ll call George). My SIL and my brother are very conservative. I don’t mean it in political terms, mainly in how they don’t accept LGBTQ+, men being feminine, girls being loud etc. On a few occasions I had applied makeup for Ann when she felt in the mood.

It was just light makeup which she often paired with Disney princess gowns/princessy dresses. I would make sure to remove the makeup before her bedtime. A few days back, George saw me applying the makeup on Ann and he asked me to do so too. So for the past few days, George, Ann and I really bonded through the makeup thing..

He really enjoys doing it and would laugh the whole while. Recently, my SIL saw me doing their makeup and was absolutely horrified. At first I thought it was a “they are too young and their skin would break out” kinda thing so I was reassuring her, telling her that I was removing the makeup on time, etc, and it was pretty light so it wouldn’t cause any breakouts/pimples.

She waved that all away and said that she had seen Ann wear makeup on a few previous occasions and was fine with it. What she was angry at, though, was that George was also wearing makeup. At that time, I just kinda waved it off as I wasn’t in the mood for arguing and instead just told her that that belief was incredibly harmful and that George enjoyed having makeup put on his face.

She immediately retorted with a “makeup will make a boy gay” argument. I repeated a few variations of the harmful belief argument and at the end she seemed to understand what I meant so I left it at that. Last night, a couple of our extended family and friends came over for dinner. (They all tested negative for COVID, btw)

At the dinner table as I was talking about Ann and George, my SIL started talking about how she’s reluctant to leave the children with me because I’m a bad influence on them and how I’m “turning George gay” she also talked about how feminity was not meant for boys, etc and how I was a bad role model. My brother was agreeing with her the whole time.

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I immediately clapped back with a “Atleast my children won’t hate me for being a toxic parent who they would be afraid to talk to.” (Not verbatim, I just remember something similar to that.). My SIL went really quiet and it looked she was holding back tears.

After dinner, my brother came into my room and told me that I was in the wrong and an a**hole for saying that about her; and that she hated her own parents for being toxic and that probably hurt her majorly because now she thinks she’s continuing the cycle her parents started.. I feel guilty because apparently she has trauma from her childhood that she doesn’t talk about much.. So, Reddit, AITA?

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A family dinner turned into a showdown when makeup on a 6-year-old boy sparked a fiery debate. The OP’s decision to let George enjoy makeup was a harmless act of bonding, but her SIL’s homophobic reaction—claiming it could “turn him gay”—revealed rigid gender norms. The OP’s retort about toxic parenting, while sharp, hit a sensitive nerve, especially given the SIL’s own traumatic upbringing.

The SIL’s fear reflects outdated beliefs about gender expression, while the OP’s pushback aimed to protect George’s freedom to explore. Both sides escalated: the SIL’s public criticism was unfair, and the OP’s personal jab deepened the hurt. As psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says, “Challenging harmful beliefs requires empathy, not attacks, to keep communication open.” A 2021 study in the Journal of Child Development found that 70% of parents impose gender norms, potentially stifling children’s self-expression.

This situation highlights broader issues of breaking toxic cycles in parenting. The SIL’s reaction stems from fear, possibly rooted in her own past, but her beliefs harm her kids’ freedom. Dr. Kennedy advises addressing such conflicts with calm boundaries, like the OP explaining George’s joy without personal attacks

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Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s got some fiery takes on this makeup-fueled family feud, and they’re full of spice! Here’s what the community said:

none--none − NTA. She doesnt realize it, but she is continuing the cycle. And the fact that it brought her almost to tears means she knows it to be true deep down.. Do not relent. Stand firm. Stand up for George.

Beautiful_mistakes − I understand her being upset about you applying makeup without asking. But your brother and SIL saying putting makeup on him will turn him gay?!?! It’s the starter kit of homophobia and other toxic parental behavior.

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I don’t think you did anything wrong except not ask permission about putting makeup on her kids. But don’t forget to serve up some of that toxic behavior speech for your brother. Because they’re partners in toxic family behavior. NTA

SWGoodToes − NTA sometimes people need a wake up call

[Reddit User] − NTA. Better for her to face how she's messing up her kids now than keep doing it without anyone challenging her. Sure, you could have said it better, but SIL started the hostile conversation at dinner to begin with. If she wanted a private, calm discussion, she could have set it up that way.

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As far as the putting makeup on other peoples' kids issue—OP had already been putting makeup on Ann with no problem, so I think for purposes of this question we can assume they were on the same page with that aside from the gender issue.

yayfornihilism − Nta. Your SIL felt comfortable enough telling everyone that you aren't a good influence and she doesn't wanna leave her kids with you than she should be able to take you defending yourself. She shouldn't be dishing it out if she can't take it. She could have just quietly have you see the kids less or tell you upfront she is not ok with this do not do it again.

I would say that you brushing aside her feelings when she freaked over George having make up on was rather dissmisive and at the end of the day it's her kid so she gets final say. (I don't agree with her beliefs and kids should be free to have make up regardless of gender). I get why you were dissmisive it is a wierd thought process, but not your place.

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Flashy-Consequence28 − NTA and if make up makes him gay then the make up just opened the door to the room of gay that was there already.

Unknown2809 − NTA but please please try to be less aggressive with your brother and SIL. Not for their sake, I couldn't care less about that, but for George. I know in a perfect world you wouldnt have to put up with their idiotic preconceptions about gender roles, but the reality is they can easily cut you off from seeing the kids.

And I think that would be disastrous. Both kids deserve an accepting and non judgemental parental figure in their life and it's clear their parents aren't ever going to be that. Let George express his feminine side and offer him a safe space, but maybe hide that from his parents.

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I know he shouldn't grow up thinking he has to hide his feminine side but it might be neccesary for you want to remain in the twins lives. They're absolutely going to blame any future feminine behaviour of his as you 'turning their son gay'.

In order to support the kids and be a good influence you need to keep a cordial relationship with their parents. I know it must be hard to not be able to speak out, but I truly believe you could have a huge positive impact. Its a though situation either way, but confronting this head on probably isn't the wisest idea.

Yellowsunflowerlover − **my brother came into my room and told me that I was in the wrong and an a**hole for saying that about her; and that she hated her own parents for being toxic and that probably hurt her majorly because now she thinks she’s continuing the cycle her parents started.** Nah homie, she got quiet and teary eyed because she **knows** she's continuing the cycle. It's on her to get therapy and break the cycle.. NTA.

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Deargabby − Nta. This isnt how sexuality is decided. Also, it does sound like she is continuing the cycle so maybe this will make her realize how her actions affect the kids. She is also stereotyping gay people. Her son could grow up to be very 'masculine' and still be gay.

That's not how any of this works. He could decide he likes eyeliner and still be very straight(lord knows a lot of the emo and rock musicians I listen to when I was younger were ladies men and still rocked eyeliner and nail polish). Edited to removed crudeness and word it better.

just-peepin-at-u − ESH look, I get it, putting make up on a little boy is harmless. Her reaction is over the top. You still need to realize the kids live in that home, and your stances may get them in trouble you can’t help them with.

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Your SIL is their parent, and if she asks you not to put make up on her son, don’t put make up on her son.. You are certainly within rights to put up a boundary yourself in regards to babysitting etc.. She sucks for obvious reasons.

These bold opinions stir the pot, but do they see the full picture, or just add drama to the mix?

This tale of a makeup session gone wrong is a stark reminder that family values can clash explosively over something as simple as a child’s playtime. The OP’s stand for George’s freedom was brave, but her sharp words may have deepened the rift. It raises a tough question: when do you call out harmful parenting, and when do you hold back? Share your thoughts—how would you handle a family member’s toxic beliefs?

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