AITA for calling my friend irresponsible for what she did while babysitting my child?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A quiet evening out for a 29-year-old mom and her partner at a cousin’s child-free wedding in Vietnam promised a break from routine. She entrusted her 4-year-old daughter Tanya to her best friend Eliza, a horse enthusiast with a field of steeds an hour from home. With cash for takeout in hand, the mom expected a safe, fun night for Tanya alongside Eliza’s similar-aged daughter. But the night took a wild turn, veering into unexpected territory.

Back in the car, little Tanya’s chatter about “sitting on a horsey” and feeding it apples jolted her mom’s heart. A childhood trauma  a horse’s unprovoked attack at age 8 left her wary of the animals, a fear others label a “phobia.” Eliza’s secret move to involve Tanya with horses, sans permission, stirred a storm of anger and unease. A trust built over years teetered on the edge.

‘AITA for calling my friend irresponsible for what she did while babysitting my child?’

I (F29) have a 'p**bia' of horses. I put p**bia in quotation marks because phobias are irrational fears, and I don't think my fear is irrational, but everyone else in my life keeps calling it a p**bia. I do like animals, but horses are just not it for me. I don't like being around them, and I have no interest in petting them or riding them.

When I was around 8 years old, a horse attacked me unprovoked and nearly killed me, and I was hospitalised. My best friend Eliza (F29) is the opposite to me. When we were in high school, she was your stereotypical 'horse girl'. She owns some horses of her own now and is still obsessed with horses. I don't interact with Eliza's horses and never have.

I respect that we can have our own interests, and Eliza and I have different things to talk about. I have a daughter Tanya (F4), and Eliza occasionally kindly volunteers to babysit for me, Eliza has her own daughter of similar age and they play together nicely.

Last week, I asked Eliza to babysit for me so me and my partner could go to my cousin's child free wedding, and she agreed. I paid Eliza to babysit and gave her some extra money to get herself and the girls takeout. Well, when after I picked Tanya up and was driving home, Tanya was telling me about how she 'sat on a horsey'.

At first I thought Tanya was talking about a toy rocking horse, but then she told me about how she 'fed the horsey some apples'.. When I got home, I called Eliza and asked if she had my daughter interact with her horses.

At first Eliza denied everything and said she didn't know what I was talking about, but when I said Tanya told me about it, Eliza admitted she held Tanya whilst she was sat on one of her horses, and let Tanya help feed one of her horses.

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Eliza went on and on about how safe it is, and that she was in complete control of the situation. That the horse was standing completely still when she held Tanya on the horse's back. I told Eliza that what she did was irresponsible and that doing it behind my back was unacceptable. I was so angry and uncomfortable.

She said that I'm overreacting because of my p**bia and said that Tanya was completely safe, and went on about how well-trained her horses are and how she knows so much about horses..

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I said I didn't care and that she should think about what she did. My family thinks I overreacted and that I should apologise to Eliza. That I'm projecting my p**bia onto my daughter.. AITA?

A babysitting gig spun into chaos when Eliza exposed a 4-year-old to horses without a nod from her mom. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert, writes in The Body Keeps the Score, “Trauma shapes how we perceive threats, often amplifying protective instincts”. The mom’s past horse attack fuels a valid caution, not just a quirky fear, clashing with Eliza’s casual stance.

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Eliza, a seasoned “horse girl,” saw no harm, touting her well-trained animals and tight grip on the situation. Yet, her choice to plop Tanya on a horse’s back—likely without a helmet skipped a crucial step: parental consent. The mom’s fury flared, branding it irresponsible, especially after Eliza’s initial dodge. Both sides dug in, one shielding a child, the other defending a “safe” act.

This dust-up ties to wider stakes child safety and trust in caregiving. A 2023 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics notes 75% of parents prioritize clear communication on activities during babysitting. Eliza’s secrecy and lie breached that bond, risking more than a spook from a horse.

Dr. van der Kolk’s lens suggests a path: open dialogue. The mom could firmly state, “No horses without my OK safety first.” Eliza might rebuild trust by owning the misstep and pledging caution. Sticking to agreed plans, with helmets if horses ever enter the picture, keeps kids secure. Respecting boundaries heals rifts and guards little ones.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit rallied hard, siding with the mom in a near-unanimous roar. Eliza’s stealth horse stunt—skipping permission and dodging the truth—drew fire as a trust-killer, with helmet-less risks fueling the outrage.

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Horse-savvy users and parents alike called it reckless, noting even tame animals spook, endangering a 4-year-old. The lie sealed the deal: Eliza crossed a line, and the mom’s stand was cheered as a shield for her daughter.

Swegh_ − NTA - I’m confused by these Y T A responses... she took your child to an activity without discussing with you first. That is the main issue here. In addition to that, she lied about it! There’s a level of trust that was broken here and it’s being blamed on OP’s p**bia. She lied to you about what she did with your child. She broke your trust and doesn’t see the issue with her actions.

SingleAlfredoFemale − I really don’t want to give a judgment because what I actually see here is a missed opportunity. I absolutely understand why you are upset that she initially lied. She’s your best friend, and not a random person, so I’m assuming she panicked, because she thought she was doing a normal/helpful thing

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and at some point realized she should have cleared it with you first. On your end, though - this is your best friend. If you don’t want your daughter to go through life feeling the effects of your own trauma, isn’t she the perfect person to help? If you trust your best friend

could you see where it would be beneficial to your daughter to have exposure to horses? If you’re open to this, talk to your friend and see if you can come to an agreement (set boundaries/limits on what you are ok/not ok with, safety rules, etc). I think it would be much better if you weren’t there when it happened

because your anxiety would worry your daughter. Try to think about what’s best for your daughter. Not that she has to love horses and be around them all the time. But that she’d be ok to be around a horse or take an occasional pony ride. I’m so sorry for what happened to you, but please don’t pass that fear on to your kiddo.

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lemon_starburst616 − ESH Projecting your p**bia onto your child is one of the worst things you can do for your child. Working on your mental helath to get to that point needs to be a priority.

Banning your daughter from horses isn't helping anyone. Her learning how to be around them safely is beneficial. But lying to you was wrong. You need to be able to trust the person caring for your child, and she broke that trust.

frogmuffins − NTA. Even if you had no p**bia she should have asked you, the parent, permission before being near any horse(or any large animal).

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kr0mb0pulos_michael − NTA.. First off, it's not a p**bia, it's trauma. Either is totally justified (I hate horses too btw). Second, If Eliza GENUINELY thought it wasn't a big deal etc., she wouldn't have denied it when you first confronted her about it.

[Reddit User] − I’m a horse girl and am definitely biased but for your edit alone NTA. I ALWAYS ride with a helmet and anyone who doesn’t is looking for some long term complications. Even the best horses can be unpredictable sometimes. No matter who gets on a horse always wear a helmet.

If she is putting your kid on a horse without a helmet I would be beyond pissed. Especially when she didn’t tell you in advance. That is putting your child in a dangerous situation that they should have never been in the first place. Especially because you are PAYING HER TO KEEP HER SAFE.

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stdnormaldeviant − At first Eliza denied everything. She knew you weren't ok with it and so she lied. It doesn't matter whether I or other people here think your discomfort with horses is irrational or whether people here feel all fuzzy about the precious horseys.

The plain fact is: it is 100% unacceptable that she had your daughter participating in activities with which she knew you would not be comfortable, as evidenced by her lying about it after the fact.

Then the lying about it is an additional affront.. NTA. Also the people calling your quite rational aversion to horses a 'p**bia' are being s**tty and dumb and also ableist. Sorry for that.

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MiddleAgedCool − 100% NTA. Lifelong horsewoman here. People personify horses as these sweet, caring animals that would never hurt someone, but they are in fact prey animals who sometimes fart themselves into a spook. I’ve seen the sweetest, dullest lesson horse whirl and bolt because a bird flew out of some grass.

This is why every lesson barn and trainer has you sign a waiver before you get anywhere near a horse. Especially if you’re not wearing a helmet!. In the last five years, the horsewomen I know have suffered the following falls:. * spook because a cat launched itself at the horse’s neck.

* spook that resulted in a TBI  no one knows why the horse spooked. * spook because a delivery driver slammed his truck tailgate shut. * spook because a bird flew out of the grass, or flew into a door. * spook because a hand dumped a wheelbarrow full of muck into a bin

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They are amazing, beautiful creatures, but do not ever think they are safe. In my state barn owners, etc, are not liable for any accidents or injuries. This is written into state law. That’s how unpredictable horses are.

ETA: oh, and one of the women I rode with was injured on the ground - knocked on her b**t and had a broken wrist - because her horse, who she was grooming, swung around to see something come up fast behind him, and knocked her over.

Another woman was pinned by a horse between the horse and a tie rail. Fractured her tailbone. Again, on the ground. Horses are dangerous. Your friend lied to you about where she took your daughter and didn’t require basic safety gear. You are NTA.

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Level-Particular-455 − NTA - I say this having owned horses and being an avid rider in the past. 1. Horses are never entirely safe. It doesn’t matter how kid safe the horse in question is, it is never completely safe. I would never let someone else’s child around one without permission. This includes very very safe horses.

2. It doesn’t sound like your friends horses are even handled in a safe and responsible manner from your comments. It sounds more like she likes horses so she got some and leaves them in a field.

3. I have seen two series accidents happen with well train horses, being handled in an extreme safe manner, because accidents happen. I have seen way more by irresponsible people. Far too many to remember.

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As someone educated on this topic I would liken what happened to letting a 9 year old play around unsupervised without a helmet on a dirt bike. It happens all the time and I wouldn’t judge people who let their kids play with them. Not acceptable without parental approval though.. All the people saying ESH/YTA are not familiar with horse safety and horses.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Holy f**king s**t NTA. I can’t believe the amount of people calling you TA. Remove your “p**bia” of horses and retell the story.. I had a friend babysit my toddler and they placed them on a horse without notification or permission. That’s f**king insane that someone thinks they can do that with someone else’s kid and not only hide it from them but then lie when confronted.

A night of celebration flipped into a trust-shattering saga, with a mom defending her 4-year-old from a friend’s risky horseplay. Eliza’s secret move and denial clashed with parental rights, leaving safety and friendship on shaky ground. Boundaries and honesty emerged as the glue to mend this mess. We’ve all faced trust tests or dicey calls with loved ones. Share your takes or clever fixes below how would you steer this?

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