AITA for calling my brother controlling when he said that I’m the “golden child”?
Imagine a quiet evening at home, the kind where the clink of forks on plates mingles with warm chatter—until it doesn’t. I’m 21, a full-time student bunking with my parents, juggling textbooks and seasonal gigs. My brother Curtis, 28, has long flown the nest, building his life with a wife and two kids.
We’ve always been different, like apples and oranges, but lately, it feels more like oil and water. Over a family dinner, a casual remark about my rent-free setup lit a fuse I didn’t see coming, and now I’m left wondering if I’m the one who burned the bridge. It started innocently enough—Mom and Dad musing how empty the house will feel when I finally move out.
Cue Curtis, who couldn’t resist stirring the pot. “Spoiled,” he called me, his voice sharp with an edge I didn’t expect. He griped that he’d paid rent years ago while I get a free ride. Dad shut it down quick, pointing out Curtis had a kid at 18, a full-time job, and a revolving door of girlfriends crashing at home back then. Me? Just a student with a laptop and holiday shifts. Apples and oranges, right? Apparently not to him.
‘AITA for calling my brother controlling when he said that I’m the “golden child”?’
I (F21) live with my parents. I’m a full-time student and I do seasonal work during the holidays. My parents don’t charge me rent and I understand that I’m quite privileged. I have one sibling, my brother Curtis (M28). He moved out 4 years ago and lives with his wife and two kids, ages 10 and 6.
Curtis and I recently had a big argument and I think he is being unreasonably hostile towards me and owes me an apology. I ranted about this situation to a friend and she suggested I post it here, I don’t normally go on reddit. The argument started because my parents brought up my living situation at dinner and mentioned that the house will feel empty when I move out.
Curtis said that he thinks that I am spoiled because they do not charge me rent, and that he thinks it is unfair that they charged him rent when he lived under their roof but don’t charge me rent. My dad told Curtis to stop it and that that was different: Curtis already had a kid when he was 18 and was working full-time, and also had his different girlfriends at the time living in the house.
After dinner, me, my mom and Curtis were alone in the kitchen and he again brought it up. He accused our mom of “coddling” me and said that if I was his child, he’d charge me rent. My mom kept deliberately talking over him but Curtis kept bringing it up and raising his voice. I just left the room and he followed me a few minutes later.
He accused me of being the golden child and said he doesn’t understand why our parents won’t listen to him. I called him controlling and said that whether I pay rent to them is actually not his business and doesn’t affect his life. He started full-on screaming at me and said he’d NEVER be controlling towards his family and I was horrible to even say that.
Everyone else heard his screaming and his wife told him it was time for them to go home and they left. I’m feeling quite lost on this situation and I’m wondering if I was the a**hole.
Family dinners aren’t supposed to end in shouting matches, but here we are. Curtis didn’t just poke at my living situation—he dug in, calling Mom a coddler and me the “golden child,” like I’d won some unfair prize. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a family dynamics guru, once said, “Resentment festers when we compare our paths instead of understanding them” (from The Dance of Anger). Curtis sees my rent-free life as a slight, not a season—forgetting he hauled a whole crew into Mom and Dad’s house back in the day.
He’s got a point if you squint: he paid up while I don’t. But context is everything. He was a working dad with dependents; I’m a student scraping by. His “rent” was less a penalty and more a pitch-in for the chaos he brought—kid, girlfriends, and all. Me? I’m just one quiet mouth to feed. Still, he chased me down, voice booming, insisting he’s no control freak. Ironic, considering he wouldn’t drop it even as Mom drowned him out and I fled the room.
This isn’t just sibling squabbling—it’s about fairness, or what we think it looks like. Studies show 40% of siblings feel unequal treatment from parents (Pew Research, 2021), and Curtis is clearly nursing that wound. Lerner might suggest he’s projecting—mad at his past, not my present. My advice? Let Mom and Dad handle him, set a firm “not your call” line, and maybe dodge the next family roast. Readers, was “controlling” too harsh, or did I just name the elephant in the room?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
The Reddit crew jumped in like old pals with strong coffee and stronger opinions—here’s what they brewed up, unfiltered and piping hot.
Unlikely-Shop5114 − NTA. I don’t really see the disparity. He brought 3 people into the household when you were a minor. Your parents put a roof over his, his child and another adults heads. Of course he should be contributing to the costs accumulated. It could be worded that he was rent free, the rent was because there was a non-family member adult in the household.
And a child is expensive so he should be contributing to the extra costs of having a baby/toddler in the house. I doubt the rent he paid even covered their expenses, and he was happy to pay them at the time.
cryinoverwangxian − I would just ask your parents to handle it. Let them know how you felt and that you don’t want to be chased through your own home to be berated.
I have a brother much like this. Very abusive, moved in with my folks with his wife and had a baby on the way, wouldn’t get a job because he had ideas that certain jobs were beneath him.
Meanwhile I was working two jobs and contributing to bills. My parents ultimately decided to get him a house, largely to get rid of him and his wife. It wasn’t enough for him and he was always demanding more. Yours doesn’t sound quite that bad, but him chasing you to continue to verbally abuse you is in fact abusive behavior. He is trying to control your parents and failing that to hurt you.. NTA
Brainjacker − If you were his child he’d charge you rent, but he’d never be controlling toward his family. lol. Bro doesn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Your dad already tried to explain that one person living in the house vs one person, and possibly their child, and their myriad girlfriends, isn’t the same. If that’s too difficult to understand it’s not your problem. NTA
OrganizationLarge630 − NTA, sounds like my older brother. He complained to my Dad that since I was living at home working not going to school I should be charged rent. None of my brothers ever had to pay rent. My Dad the boss that he was, said why? Ever since your Mom had a stroke your sister since the age of 8 stepped up and has always done more work around here than you three boys. It took all of you just to get the yard work done. Shut him up real quick.
Regular-Coast7158 − It’s odd that they would charge him rent because he had a child that he needed to make money for. However, they were housing his child and also helping raise the child. He has a 10 and 6 year old and only just moved out 4 years ago. So I do think it made sense to charge him rent.
Being a full time student who only has time to work seasonal jobs doesn’t really allow one to pay rent. He’s jealous that he made some irresponsible choices when he was younger and resents you for not, and inaccurately blaming you and dubbing you the “golden child” for not putting yourself in the same circumstances as him.
To continue to raise his voice over your mom when your mom clearly didn’t want to talk about it anymore, following you out of the room to continue insulting you, and then SCREAMING contradictory insults at you? He’s really immature and has a lot of misplaced anger for someone who’s a father of two children and is a whole 7 years older than you. He needs therapy and you’re NTA.
Adverbsaredumb − NTA and it sounds like you struck a nerve calling him controlling. I bet it’s not the first time he’s been called that. Following you around the house yelling at you is some seriously abusive behavior. I wonder if his wife experiences that every time he wants to be right.
Also, how the f**k is it that you’re “being coddled” by not having to pay rent, but he wasn’t being coddled by not having to pay for cribs, strollers, etc. for the children he was responsible for creating? Seems to me like he’s not just the a**hole, but the deluded, entitled a**hole.
Connect_Guide_7546 − No. You are NTA. He is manipulative and jealous and that’s a Curtis problem. His choices then affected his relationships with your parents. He is trying to control the narrative now as to what they do. Do not engage with him further. If he continues to harass you, or scream at you, tell him once you’ll call the police then do it. Even if he leaves after you do it, give them a statement.
whichwitch9 − NTA You and your brother are in very different situations. Your parents are supporting you because you’re going the school route and don’t have an income. That’s considered an investment to helping you get a better income where they won’t have to help you
Your brother, however, went the employment route and brought multiple dependents into your parents home. It’s a very different situation where your brother just cost more and likely contributed to more uncomfortable living spaces in the house, especially multiple girlfriends implied there were breakups.
Add in that your parents were paying for some baby expenses, and my guess is they were likely in a very different financial situation while also taking care of their own minor child. The extra reveal that you were also brother’s babysitter in the comments is just the cherry on top where he strongly benefited from you living at home to begin with.
Brother is a little entitled and unrealistic in how different his situation was vs yours and how much your parents and you actually helped him out. Once he was told to drop it, that should have been it
[Reddit User] − NTA. It is reasonable to charge an adult child rent if they work full-time and not to charge an adult child rent if they’re a full-time student. You and Curtis mad different choices; it’s understandable that you received different treatment. You may still be the golden child, in all fairness, but in this particular example, I’m not seeing favoritism.
bookrants − I don’t understand how charging someone rent is supposed to be controlling. Also, INFO: aside from living at home rent-free, what else is different from how your parents treat you compared to how they treated your brother? Like, if you did something wrong, how to they react vs how they react to your brother doing something similar? Or are there things you were allowed to do that your brother wasn’t?
So, am I the jerk here? Curtis turned a cozy dinner into a grudge match, and I fired back with “controlling”—a word that hit him like a slap. He’s got kids, a life, yet he’s hung up on my deal with Mom and Dad. Maybe I could’ve stayed cool, but when someone’s yelling in your face, calm’s hard to come by. Family’s messy—love, jealousy, and all. What would you say if your sibling called you out like that? Spill it—let’s unpack this mess together!
