AITA for brushing out the curls on my biracial daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy suburban home, a mother gently brushes her 4-year-old daughter’s wild curls into a sleek ponytail, recreating a cherished childhood photo from the ’90s. What should have been a heartwarming moment turned sour as friends and family unleashed a wave of criticism, accusing her of “whitening” her biracial daughter’s identity. Caught between love for her child and societal expectations, this mom faces a whirlwind of judgment. How does a parent balance practicality with cultural sensitivity when every brushstroke feels like a statement?

The stakes feel high in this intimate family saga. The mother, a white woman married to a Black man, wants her daughter to feel comfortable and cared for, but her choices spark a fiery debate about identity and autonomy. With a toddler and a preschooler, daily routines are a battle of wills—especially when it comes to hair. Readers can’t help but wonder: where’s the line between grooming and cultural erasure?

‘AITA for brushing out the curls on my biracial daughter?’

However, my daughter is 4. My husband and i both have worked hard to figure out how to care for her hair. He does play an active role in coming up with what she needs and i execute it. If i was willing to fight her tooth and nail every morning, i could style it into pretty curls, sure.

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But it is not worth it to me or my husband to do that to her because she hates it so much and we are not willing to override her bodily autonomy just to make her hair look nice. It's just hair. What i'm doing is just getting the over-night matted rat's nest out. She does NOT have course hair.

It is fine and smooth like mine and it because a matted mess just like mine, it can't be braided or put in a protective style, unfortunately. that will just rip her hair out. not that she would tolerate that, anyway. She removes anything or any style i've ever tried to do in her hair.

Even if she cooperates while i'm doing it, 5 minutes later, she'll just pull out whatever i put in. from french braids to hair clips and headbands. they're all a no-go. My husband and i have put a lot of time and effort into finding out exactly how to best care for her hair, and this is really it for now.

It's not the best for her HAIR but it is the best for her well being, as we've decided as her parents. We'll revisit her hair care when she's older, i promise. And i would NEVER use heat treatments on a child. i don't care if it curls or not. We just want her to look half groomed. So I am white my husband is black and we have two daughters, ages 2 and 4.

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My 4 year old looks a lot like her (very handsome, if I might add) daddy. But she's got my texture hair with a massive amounts of curls that I usually am the one to take care of. Yesterday I brushed her hair in to a ponytail and put her in an old, very dated (but cute for the time!) outfit from when I was a kid in the 90's and recreated a photo of me when I was her age.

I thought it was adorable but I received a lot of backlash from my 'woke' friends and family (on my side, for the record. I'm not close to his family and they all just 'heart' any pictures of my kids and rarely comment, if they do just to say they like the picture) accusing me of trying to make her 'white'.

I've had underhanded comments before from them about 'erasing my kid's identity' for brushing her hair? She's a child. To maintain her curls to look good requires quite a bit of time and products. Often she just lets me brush the rat's nest out of it and calls it a day.

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Any time I style it, she sticks her hands in it and messes it up. What else can I do? However, doing this does brush the curls out until her hair gets wet again. She HATES having her hair misted or dampeded and it's too cold for that now anyway. My husband doesn't care. He's happy she's clean and fed.

To wrap this up, I've had more than one person say I need to leave my more 'black-passing' child's image alone and let her embrace being black, especially because, get this, my 2 year old is more 'white-passing' with wavy light hair and my blue eyes.

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Including what I feel is dangerous advice to let her play outside without sunscreen. We have no idea what her sun tolerance is and I'm not about to deal with a small child having a sunburn I gave her on purpose. I have a low sun tolerance and don't tan, just burn like a boiled lobster.

I'm going to be honest, this all blows my mind a little bit. My husband has never said anything of the sort. I've asked him about it and he said I don't need to worry about it. I don't let these people anywhere near my kids in person and some of them I can't avoid or just cut off. So am I being an a**hole?

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Parenting a biracial child often feels like walking a tightrope between cultural expectations and practical realities. The mother’s choice to brush out her daughter’s curls to avoid morning meltdowns has ignited a debate about identity. On one hand, her critics argue she’s diminishing her daughter’s Black heritage; on the other, she and her husband prioritize their child’s autonomy and well-being. It’s a classic clash of ideals versus daily life, where no one wins without compromise.

This situation reflects a broader issue: how society perceives and polices biracial identities. According to a 2021 Pew Research study (pewresearch.org), 59% of multiracial adults report feeling pressure to conform to one racial identity, often from external voices. For children, these expectations can start early, especially around visible markers like hair. The mother’s approach—brushing for practicality—may seem dismissive to critics, but it’s rooted in her daughter’s resistance to styling.

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Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, a psychologist and author of Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?, offers insight: “Hair is a powerful symbol of identity, particularly in Black communities, but children’s needs must guide parental decisions” (npr.org). Tatum’s perspective suggests that while cultural symbols matter, a child’s comfort and agency are paramount. Here, the mother’s choice aligns with her daughter’s preferences, avoiding distress over societal ideals.

For solutions, experts recommend gentle detangling with wide-tooth combs and leave-in conditioners, as suggested by Reddit users. Websites like NaturallyCurly.com offer kid-friendly curl care tips (naturallycurly.com). The parents could explore these methods as their daughter grows, fostering a love for her natural hair while respecting her current boundaries. Open conversations about identity, guided by her parents’ support, will help her navigate her biracial heritage with confidence.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit community didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of support and sass that’s as lively as a family reunion. From calling out the critics’ overreach to offering practical hair care tips, the comments are a colorful snapshot of opinions. Here’s what the internet had to say—brace for some candid takes!

Foamsword21 − NTA. They aren't 'anything-passing', they're little kids and you're their mother. Their culture is what you and your husband want their culture to be and your friends are kind of being wildly r**ist saying that your daughter can't have her hair one way because she looks another way. As long as your husband is fine with the way you do her hair (or is willing to do it himself) then you keep doing you

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WholeESheep − Hard NTA - Your daughter isn’t required to look as black as possible at all times. This sounds ridiculous. Oh no she likes her curls brushed out. So what? They need to back off.

apollo_____ − Do NOT listen to people that say your daughter doesn't need sunscreen! It's a very pervasive and dangerous rumor. Melanin only has a natural SPF of 13 which is a lot less than the recommended of 30 or higher for sun protection.

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JackNotName − NTA Your daughter is so young, that just making her presentable it a chore. When she is older and starts caring about her identity, be there to support her in her exploration.

YorkshireLavender − NTA people getting offended on behalf of other people. Your husband doesn’t see an issue with it, you are doing what’s best with your daughter. People will always think you are raising your child ‘wrong’ because their way is ‘better’. You do you

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ThiighHighs − ESH (but you’re not nearly as bad) The people making you out to be r**ist/culturally insensitive are jerks and way off base. At the same time, as someone with curly hair that was treated like straight hair as a kid, I can’t help

but cringe at the idea of brushing her curls. You’re definitely not an a**hole but I’d recommend finding more curly friendly styles for your daughter and try to care for her curls as best as you can. I think she’ll appreciate it when she’s older.

madsmadhatter − NTA, but do please learn how to deal with your daughters hair better. Because of the course texture, brushing the curls out like that can actually cause a lot of damage. Hair like that needs a lot of conditioning and massaging to maintain shine and keep from frizziness.

If you do this now, she’ll thank you when she’s older and feels confident enough to rock her natural hair, instead of cutting it short or using wigs or trying to straighten it all the time like a lot of girls I know did. They all regret it years later when their hair is broken and frizzy.

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You can’t treat it like white girl hair and expect it to work the same, it just won’t. But dealing with it how you know how doesn’t make you the a**hole. YWBTA if you don’t try to improve just because you’re stubborn or because “it works fine”. It won’t be working fine in a few years.

that-frakkin-toaster − I am white and I have curly hair. My daughters are biracial and one of them has curly hair as well. She absolutely will NOT sit still for me to put the right products in. So I get where you are coming from here. I'm not gonna weigh in on any of this other stuff but I do have a little advice.

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Get a wide toothed comb. Very wide. Get an empty spray bottle and find a curl friendly conditioner you can use as a leave in. Fill the bottle with water and just a little bit of the conditioner. Instead of brushing out her curls, spritz her all over with the water/conditioner combo and use the comb to work out the knots. Make sure her hair is wet though! Don't ever dry brush it again, please.

Seriously. My 3 year old will not sit still for more than this, and it took time for her to adjust to it in the beginning. But her curls look better than mine 95% of the time and that is all we do. Spritz, comb, fluff the curls back up with my fingers, let air dry. Takes 5 minutes. Protects her hair. You can do this.

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ApoliticalRat − NTA. Your daughter is half you, and half your husband. There's nothing wrong with brushing her hair, curls or no, and they aren't the ones who get to decide her identity -- that's a decision for her to make when she's old enough to make it. Until then, you can dote on her however you see fit, and they can suck an egg.

trainerchaos − i want to say NTA, but as a mixed kid myself, i really REALLY recommend that you look into black hair care and style options for your daughter. there's a lot of stigma against black hair and i grew up hating mine, straightening it to the point of severe heat damage.

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Yes, she's only a kid and it's not at all wrong to style her hair like yours, but please teach her to love her hair, care for it, and find beautiful styles for it in it's natural state. also, please learn more about what 'white-passing' terms actually mean. it's important to understanding biracial identity and it's really not as bad as you seem to think it is.. minor edit for wording.

Some Redditors nailed it with practical advice, while others got lost in the identity debate. But do these hot takes really capture the nuances of raising a biracial child?

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This mother’s story highlights the messy intersection of parenting, cultural identity, and societal judgment. By choosing practicality over perfection, she’s sparked a conversation about what it means to honor a child’s heritage while respecting their individuality. As her daughter grows, the journey of embracing her biracial identity will evolve, but for now, love and care guide the way. What would you do in this mom’s shoes? Share your thoughts—how do you balance cultural expectations with a child’s needs?

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