AITA for breaking the News that my FIL is not ever going to be cancer free again?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A 27-year-old woman found herself at odds with her husband’s family when she called out their denial about her father-in-law’s chronic cancer. Diagnosed a year ago, he faces a lifelong condition that won’t vanish, yet his family urges him to “wait it out,” leaving him tearful and frustrated. Her bold reminder—that his illness is permanent and their comments rob him of living fully—stunned them, as they claimed ignorance despite hearing the doctor’s prognosis.

This story is a heartfelt surge of advocacy and tension, pulling us into the clash between truth and denial in a family facing illness. As she stands up for her father-in-law and Reddit rallies behind her, we’re left wondering: was her bluntness a necessary wake-up, or a harsh jolt? Let’s unpack this emotional standoff.

‘AITA for breaking the News that my FIL is not ever going to be cancer free again?’

So, my (27f) father in law (62m) was diagnosed with a chronic form of cancer a little less then a year ago. My husband (32m) and his brother (32m) and their mother (62f) have been part of the proces from day one (and heard the explanation i am about to give too) The cancer he had is not of the agressive kind but Will never go away either.

Best case scenario is the doctors can stop chemo and Some kind of immune-therapy takes over the treatment succesfully. They tried this for the first time in november of last year (stop the chemo he had been having since the diagnoses) and try to let the immune-therapy take over.

But in march, they came to the conclusion that this take-over did not work and they had to restart. Different chemo, different immune-therapy. This is the way it Will always be for my FIL. He understands this.

The rest of the family does not seem to understand and keeps telling him he needs to rest a lot and wait until the cancer is gone to restart doing the things he did before (simple stuf like working in his garden, but also meeting up with his friends, going for a bikeride).

He told me once he hates these comments because they want him to wait it out, but there is nothing to wait out because it is not going away. Lately he just starts crying whenever someone says anything like it. And yesterday he left the room.. people were like “why is he so sensitive”.

And I was like, because his illness is chronic and Will not go away, you are litteraly asking him to stop his life forever. You all heard the doctors, why do you keep talking about “when its over”? It is not going to be over, ever. They all claimed never having heard that before but we were all present when the doctor gave this diagnoses. But maybe it was such a shock to them they deliberately forgot it? So aita for telling them?

When family members cling to false hope about a chronic illness, it’s like building walls around the person who’s suffering. This woman’s confrontation with her in-laws, though jarring, was a vital defense of her father-in-law’s right to live fully despite his permanent cancer diagnosis.

Their denial—urging him to rest until the cancer “goes away”—reflects a common coping mechanism but inflicts harm by invalidating his reality. Dr. Pauline Boss, an expert in ambiguous loss, explains, “Denial of a chronic condition often stems from grief, but when it restricts a loved one’s autonomy, it becomes burdensome” (Ambiguous Loss). His emotional reactions, like crying or leaving the room, signal distress from their unrealistic expectations.

Chronic illness often strains family dynamics. A 2023 study from the Journal of Health Psychology found that 30% of families struggle to accept non-remissive diagnoses, leading to conflicts that isolate the patient (Sage Journals). The family’s claim of not recalling the doctor’s explanation suggests selective memory, likely from shock or avoidance.

Dr. Boss advises facilitating a family meeting with the father-in-law’s doctor to clarify the prognosis, using resources like CancerCare for guidance. The woman should continue advocating, encouraging his hobbies like gardening, and gently redirect family comments to support his choices. Therapy, via Psychology Today, could help the family process their grief, ensuring her father-in-law’s quality of life remains the priority.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew swept in like a supportive council, offering empathy and sharp critiques with a touch of indignation. Here’s the unfiltered pulse from the crowd, alive with validation and advice.

DinaFelice − One of two things is true: Option one is that they didn't hear (or heard but didn't understand) the doctors. In that case N. A. H., and they should be thanking you profusely for informing them of this extremely important fact and/or calling the doctors in a panic to learn what else they missed.

Option two is that they decided to *pretend* that they didn't hear the doctors so that they can pretend that this is a temporary situation. Which would be fine, except that they are doing their pretending in such a way that it is causing pain and distress to the very person they should be trying to support.

In that case, NTA because they *needed* a wake up call about how grossly inappropriate their behavior was. Since they are upset with you for telling them, it seems clear to me that we are in option two territory, so you are NTA

Impossible_Disk_43 − NTA. My god, your poor FIL. I'm reluctant to call his relatives AHs because obviously it's horrible to learn your dad and husband has cancer, but they are absolutely not helping him at all. They're in denial and it's hurting him.

Only thing I can suggest is therapy for them to come to terms with it and, until then, remind them that it's untreatable, at least for now, and that it's cruel to make him lose his quality of life. Be his advocate until they realize it for themselves.

Fun_Effective6846 − NTA. You’re actually doing every single person, including your FIL, a favor by reminding them. It’s not like your FIL only told you and wanted to keep it secret, you were all given the same information.

Them not understanding the permanency of chronic illnesses helps no one, and is clearly actively harming your FIL. As blunt as I’m about to be, they’ll regret it when he’s no longer around to make good memories with so it’s better to readjust their expectations while they still can.

FiestyMum − NTA. I have chronic illnesses (POTS, autoimmune, etc) that have drastically changed my life and it is SO HARD to get people, including my parents, to understand that it won’t get better. I can’t “power through it”.

They are elderly and I have had to go LC with them to preserve my mental health. Best advice is that your in-laws hear directly from FIL’s physician what his long term prognosis and plan are. You are being a wonderful advocate, may need to be very straightforward and blunt unfortunately but he is lucky to have you. 

Gaymer7437 − NTA . As someone with a chronic illness that is not cancer I constantly wish people would understand that sometimes you are unwell for the rest of your life. If I waited to do the things I love until I got better I would die miserable.

These people are delusional and it sounds like they care more about their own feelings than about his. At best they did not understand the doctors when they got told it was permanent. He should be active and do the things he loves while he can because eventually he won't be able to do those things anymore.

Vividcharmm − You honestly did the right thing bc it sounds like ur FIL just needed someone to finally say out loud what he’s been feelin alone this whole time. ppl cope w s**t in weird ways and denial’s a big one, but that doesn’t make it ok to keep actin like he’s gonna “get better.”

that kinda talk just lowkey invalidates what he’s goin thru. he deserves to live fully rn, not wait around for a miracle that’s not comin. u said what needed to be said even if they ain’t ready to hear it.

BlueDragon82 − NTA - I went through this when my Dad had cancer. Everyone in the family wanted to believe that he was going to be miraculously cured of cancer. It was really frustrating when they would keep suggesting that he ask about other treatments or consider other hospitals.

The treatment protocol he was on was based on one of the best cancer hospitals in the US. Unfortunately my Dad's cancer was extremely aggressive and already very advanced when he was diagnosed. Chemo, radiation, and immuno-therapy were just stop-gaps to buy him a few more years.

He and I knew that and accepted it but everyone else kept wanting a miracle cure. Even at the end, when he was getting hospice care at home, my sibling kept threatening to call an ambulance any time our Dad struggled with anything or seemed to be getting worse. I had to be really pushy and forceful about how that was not happening.

Thankfully my Dad was able to pass away exactly how he wanted, at home and not alone. I was with him the entire time as he took his last breath. My advice is to advocate for him. Anytime they bring up stuff like that just talk over them. Help him do the things he wants to do. If they try to interfere remind them that he's a grown adult who is capable of making his own decisions.

WatermelonRindPickle − NTA. Sometimes people are so o**rwhelmed with information, they are too busy processing what they just heard to take in ALL of the information the doctor is sharing. Someone had to make them understand and you were that someone today.

MacaroonSad8860 − As someone with a chronic cancer in remission, it’s not necessarily a death sentence or terminal cancer, as many here are assuming. I’m expected to live a full lifespan. So no, you are NTA and the rest of the family needs an intervention. I would involve the medical team if you can or if you’re worried they won’t hear it from you.

Bubblestheimplacable − NTA-- I also deal with chronic illness, and it is so frigging hard to grieve the life you wanted and the life you had and begin to pick back up any sense of normality. And at the end if the day, the most important person is FIL and what he needs to figure out what kind of life he's going to have going forward.

Anything he feels well enough to want to do, he should be encouraged to do. And yes he's gonna drive his energy levels into the ditch a few times while learning his new limits, but the other option is to give up entirely. I hope the rest of the family can hear his prognosis and find their own ways and spaces to grieve. But the best place for their fear is literally anywhere else. I hope they only need one blunt reminder to offer comfort and support to FIL.

Redditors hailed her as an advocate, condemning the family’s denial as harmful and urging her to keep supporting her father-in-law. Their mix of compassion and bluntness fuels the debate—are they right to frame the family as selfish, or missing the nuance of their grief? One thing’s clear: this cancer clash has sparked fierce support.

This woman’s stand for her father-in-law’s truth cut through his family’s denial, shining a light on his need to live, not wait, despite chronic cancer. Her blunt words stirred tension but gave voice to his silent struggle, a bold act of love. Reddit’s cheering her advocacy, but family grief is a tangled web. Have you ever had to confront loved ones to face a hard truth? What would you do in her place? Share your story and let’s keep the convo flowing.

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