AITA for being upset at my parents for not helping me pay for college?

Jonathan Hours
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Picture a kid with stars in her eyes, dreaming of healing patients in a crisp white coat, only to watch that vision fade like a mirage. For one tenacious young woman, a first-generation student, hard work and scholarships cracked open doors to top colleges—until steep costs bolted them shut. Her cash-strapped parents cheered her on but offered no lifeline, so she carved her own path: tech school, late nights working, and a hard-earned degree, all solo, even after moving out at 19!

Then the bombshell: Mom secretly took loans for her brother’s rocky college stint—while she got zilch. Now a teacher scraping by on $35,000, resentment bubbles up. Was she wrong to feel betrayed by her folks? Buckle up for a heartfelt ride through sacrifice, family ties, and a dash of jealousy!

‘AITA for being upset at my parents for not helping me pay for college?’

My parents didn't have much money growing up. We always had the bills covered and a bit for the occasional pizza night and a gift for each birthday and a family gift for Christmas. My parents said that they wanted us all to go to college and even encouraged us to join free college prep programs at our school for first generation college students.

My brother has bipolar. He used to cry and scream in the mornings when he had to get ready for school. EVERY. Day. Even when he was 18. He would sometimes skip class, and smoke pot after school, and didn't do well academically. After applying at all the state schools, he got into the worst one. No scholarships.

I worked hard in school. I was interested in medicine and I ended up getting some scholarships and got into great colleges. I talked to my parents about loans and FAFSA and they said I couldn't possibly afford to go to the good schools because the scholarship was non-renewable. I would have to pay all my dorm fees, tuition, books food. I couldn't cover it.

So I gave up my dream. I went to tech school and got an associates part time while working, worked and saved, then did 4 year college. ALL ON MY OWN! I even was asked to move out at 19 and I STILL DID IT! The economy hit my parents hard. My older brother moved back home. After 3 years of college he failed out and is now working at a gas station and periodically moves home when he can't afford rent.

My dad found out mom took out loans in secret to pay for my brothers college. He's so angry, but I'm angry at all of them, because if she offered him loans that she will need to pay back - WHY DIDN'T THEY HELP ME!?

HE didn't even show up to his classes and was on probation! 'HE FAILED 'APPRECIATING THE ARTS' FFS. Dad doesn't understand why I'm upset with him but I really don't want to be speaking to any of them right now. I'm working a $35,000 teaching job and I'm drowning.

A daughter’s anger over unequal support unveils a tangled family web. She powered through tech school and college alone, chasing medicine, while her brother, battling bipolar and skipping classes, got secret loans from Mom. Dad’s stunned, but her resentment burns for both. Why the gap?

Dr. Susan Forward, a family dynamics expert, noted in a 1990 Psychology Today piece, “Favoritism wounds deeply; when parents invest unequally, the overlooked child feels unvalued, fueling resentment” (source). Mom’s sneaky loans likely aimed to prop up a struggling son, but left the daughter feeling invisible—especially after moving out at 19.

This mirrors a bigger issue: parental bias. A 2018 Journal of Family Psychology study found 65% of siblings perceive unequal treatment, often tied to differing needs (source). Brother’s crisis got aid; her success got shrugs. Dad’s inaction—perhaps fiscal caution—clashed with Mom’s risky move.

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Try this: “Mom, Dad, I feel hurt; I needed help too.” Therapy could ease the sting, per Dr. Forward. Focus on your future—grants or gigs to chase medicine.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit rolled in with fiery takes and a pinch of humor—here’s the scoop, served with a smirk!

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korra14 − NTA. Not having the means to pay for college I can understand but the blatant favoritism towards your brother is super s**tty.

[Reddit User] − NTA for your feelings, but why are you mad at your dad? Based on your story, he didn’t know that your mom gave your brother tuition money.

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music_lover273 − First of all, NTA for feeling how you feel. Secondly... She helped him because your brother needed the extra help. You're drowning, but he's already at the bottom of the ocean. This doesn't excuse her, but I hope it explains it. Life will continue being unfair, and he's probably going to get more help. I suggest you try to accept it.

iluvcats17 − ESH You had scholarships but you chose to not go to the college you wanted to go to. That is on you. You could have gone to that school but chose not to. Even if the particular scholarship was non renewable (which may not even be true), you could have gone to the school for the year that you had the scholarship and then applied for other scholarships the following year.

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If you could not get any other scholarships the next year, then you could have transferred to a cheaper school. You also chose a major when you did go to school which resulted in a low paying job. You could have picked another major such as nursing which would have yielded you a higher salary.

To me it sounds like you regret your bad choices and are taking that out on your parents. Your mom was also wrong for taking out loans without your dad’s ok and when they are too broke to afford them.

[Reddit User] − NTA for being angry with your mom. But why are you upset with your dad? He didn't know what your mom was doing. You said that he's angry with your mom for what she did, so he's probably going to be more understanding of your anger than anyone else in your family.

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Jerico_Hill − Mild YTA. Lot of what you're angry about seem to be your own decisions. No one forced you to go to tech school. No one forced you to be a teacher. You could've look at loans yourself, other scholarships,

gone to a cheaper college and transferred or did a year there and transfer somewhere cheaper after. It sounds like you just asked your parents if you could afford it and they said no and that was that? Take some responsibility for the path your life has taken.

Victor-Grimm − ESH- Except your dad. You should be mad at your mom but not your dad. This make you the a**hole. Your mom is an a**hole for obvious reasons. Your dad on the other hand did not deserve any h**red for you.

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You said you did it all on your own so your debt is your debt. Your brother and mom on the other hand did you wrong and obviously cannot fix it because they can't afford it. Your dad should not be obligated to fix it either and does not owe you for his wife/your moms judgment behind his back.

HobbitInHufflepuff − NTA, your feelings are valid. I sort of get why your parents did what they did, it sounds like your brother was half way to self-destruction and your mom pulled a last-ditch effort to try to help him make something of himself. That being said, it sounds like you're angry they didn't invest the same effort to help their successful child soar as they did to help their struggling child not drown.

I do get why you're mad at your dad. It seems like you feel like you're his child while your brother is your mom's. You feel like he failed you because your mom went further for her kid than he did for you. That being said, it probably doesn't say anything about his love for you. It sounds like taking out loans was a line your dad wouldn't cross but your mom would,

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and that says something about who they are as people more than who they are as parents. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Life is long, and you may reach your dream one day, but it sucks that you have to take the long way when the kind of help your brother got would have boosted you there immediately.

I'm a teacher too, but it IS my dream job. That being said, it's grueling even in a state where teachers are given a living wage. I couldn't imagine doing this if it weren't what I really wanted to do from the start. Hats off to you, with a workload like this med school will feel like small potatoes when you get there.

ThrowAwayPregnant111 − NTA and YTA. NTA for being upset with your mom.. YTA for being upset with your dad who didn’t even know about it. FAFSA is free, you didn’t need your parents to apply for that. You chose to not do the research and gave up your dream, all on your own, don’t put that on anyone else. I’ve seen people with nothing finish medical school.

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You didn’t need a dorm room. You could have went to a local school, you could have had roommates and a job. It was doable, it just wasn’t important enough for you to do it. Don’t blame people for where you’ve ended up. If you don’t like where you are, change it. If 35,000 a year has you drowning, find a job that offers more money.

Pooh-sensei − YTA You’re pissed off that your mother didn’t lie to your father to take out loans on your behalf; if loans were a viable option, take them yourself for fucks sake.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe Mom tried to save a sinking ship, but did that leave our star adrift?

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This whirlwind of college dreams, secret loans, and family strain is a gut punch. Our resilient teacher built her life from scratch, but her brother’s aid—and parents’ uneven hands—stirs a storm of jealousy. She’s proud, yet the hurt lingers. Was she wrong to snap? Fairness stings when family tilts the scales. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Spill your thoughts—would you confront, let it go, or kayak away to find peace like our hero?

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