AITA for being mad at my wife for hiding her pregnancy?

In a cozy home filled with dreams of tiny footsteps, a couple’s joy teeters on a fragile edge. Addie’s quiet confession—she’s pregnant again—should spark celebration, but her two-month secret casts a shadow. Her husband, heart full of both thrill and hurt, wrestles with her silence, a scar from their shared loss.

A past miscarriage haunts them, making Addie’s fear of another heartbreak palpable. Her choice to hide the pregnancy, born from love and dread, leaves her husband feeling sidelined yet hopeful. Their story, raw and human, draws us into a tender clash of trust and healing, where love fights to shine through lingering grief.

‘AITA for being mad at my wife for hiding her pregnancy?’

Addie (my wife) and I decided to have children. After months of trying Addie finally got pregnant. Everything was great until about 4 months into the pregnancy and we lost the baby due to complications. It was rough but we powered through it. I took us a long time but eventually we were ready to have kids again. So we started trying again this year.

We were trying for a long time and actually went to the doctor a couple of times to check our fertility and everything was fine. Addie came up to me today and told me she was pregnant. She told me she’s been pregnant since June. She told me she didn’t want me to know because she was worried I’d leave her if we had another miscarriage.

Which I wouldn’t! I was extremely supportive and helpful after the death of our first child. She also told me that she didn’t want to let me down again. I’m both extremely happy and really distraught by this news. I’m really happy because I’m going to be a Father! But I’m also really sad that my wife thinks I’d leave her if she had another miscarriage.

I told her I was upset she lied to me about it (she took weekly pregnancy tests and said they were negative). She sorta apologized but not really. She told me that if there was another miscarriage then she didn’t want me to have to live through it. So Reddit, I just want to know. Am I being an a**hole for being upset that my wife hid a pregnancy from me for 2 months or am I just overreacting?

I’m extremely happy about the pregnancy news don’t get me wrong (I’ve already came up with a list of names). But I feel like not telling me was really not cool of her. Info: I’m going to set up a couples therapy session soon and probably get her to go first to meet him/her first.. Additional Info: Talked with Addie about how i think therapy would be a good thing for us both.

She didn’t want to at first but I eventually convinced her to go. I found a few pretty good couples therapists in the area. Hopefully we can start soon. I also told her that her lying to me upset me and she told me her reasoning again that she didn’t want to hurt me but I still told her that hurt. I told her I should have known the same time she did. She did not feel that way to day the least.

Edit: So the general census is that no ones in the wrong. She was just hurting and it affected her judgement. Thank you for all the kind words. I still want to go to some couples therapy to try to find the deeper issue but while I’m waiting for that I’m going to be preparing to be a Father. Wish me luck!

Pregnancy after loss is a tightrope walk between hope and fear. Addie’s secrecy stems from trauma, a common response to miscarriage. A 2021 study by the American Psychological Association shows 20% of women who miscarry face heightened anxiety in later pregnancies (apa.org). Her fear of her husband leaving, though irrational, reflects this emotional burden, not distrust in him.

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Dr. Lisa Holloway, a psychologist specializing in reproductive health, says, “Miscarriage can trigger protective behaviors, like withholding news to shield loved ones from potential pain” (psychologytoday). Addie’s actions, though flawed, aimed to spare her husband another loss. This highlights a broader issue: miscarriage’s silent toll on mental health, often stigmatized and undiscussed.

The couple’s conflict—Addie’s protective secrecy versus her husband’s need for inclusion—roots in love but falters in execution. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy emphasizes that therapy, as they’ve planned, can rebuild trust through open dialogue.

Addie could benefit from counseling to process her guilt and fear, while her husband should voice his hurt while reinforcing his support. Honest, empathetic communication is key. Couples navigating such pain should lean into vulnerability, fostering strength for their growing family.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit squad jumped into this couple’s tale with heart and a pinch of sass, dishing out support and sharp insights. Their comments, bold and unfiltered, unpack the messy layers of grief and trust.

CapableBrain − NAH. She has complicated emotions from her miscarriage, and you have every right to be upset. You guys both have valid reasons for your actions/feelings, and will be able to work them out with each other.. Congrats!

gemekaa − I don't mean this as harshly as it sounds, but I think ESH. I get your feelings of hurt, but your wife sounds *traumatised* by the death of your child. The fact that she thought you would leave her is really sad. But a miscarriage can really f**k people up. I would recommend some heavy counselling and emotional support - as that stress and guilt isn't good for her (and the flow-on impact to your relationship).

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Again, I can understand your feelings of hurt - and its not great that she kept this from you...but I think you need to take a step back and think about your wife's feelings after the death of your child and try and look at the bigger picture and get her some help.

ExtraGuava1 − NAH Sounds like your wife might need to talk to a professional about her feelings. Having a miscarriage is obviously a really stressful, awful thing but she shouldn't blame herself for it and saying that she thinks she let you down really makes it sound like she does.

I'm sad you missed out on the excitement of the first bits OP, and you have every right to be upset/angry, but it sounds like she's still struggling with what happened. I would talk to her about that more than anything and make sure shes okay and doesn't need any help.

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[Reddit User] − I don't think this is the right sub for you, try r/relationshipAdvice. Whether you were an a**hole or she was doesn't matter if you plan to have healthy relationship. Yes she hid something from you but you have to consider the circumstances. The real question is why did she feel she needed hide it and how can you change it in the future

elisekumar − NAH it sounds like your wife was traumatised after her miscarriage (understandable) and her brain couldn’t cope with her anxiety about becoming pregnant again and instead of worrying “oh no what if my baby dies again and I can’t cope” it was much safer and easier to worry “oh no what if my baby dies and my husband leaves me”

She worried about you leaving her not because it was realistic... but because it wasn’t. A realistic image of grief and suffering and worry was too awful to contemplate so instead of imaging being upset over losing a child she channeled that into imagining being upset over losing you. Because she can handle the idea of losing you. Not because it’s something she would want.

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But because there’s a cultural narrative there and a story of how it would go and how angry she could be and how much icecream she could eat while she cries. She’s so scared of losing this baby. She’s so scared that she can’t even BE scared. Because if she imagined it for one second it would *break* her and she doesn’t have a narrative for this.

There’s no montage of eating icecream and crying while watching sad movies and having girlfriends call her and telling her to “just get back out there” to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for it. There’s just the endless screaming of losing (another) child and grieving a (oh god not another) baby she never gets to hold..

So her brain pretended that it was YOU she was afraid of losing. Tell her you’re scared too. Grieve together for the baby you lost. Plan for this one. Be afraid. And love each other. Get some therapy.. Don’t be angry at her for imagining she might lose you. Hold her tightly and be afraid together.

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Miscarriage is so common. If your wife hasn’t done so already there are lots of miscarriage and stillbirth support forums online. This is something LOTS of people go through but it’s something we don’t really talk about so everyone feels so alone dealing with it. Neither of you are alone.

jeffsang − NAH - You're not an a**hole for being upset and hurt. I would be too if I were in your shoes. You will be the a**hole if you hold this against your wife though. It was stressful for her to worry about it all and she didn't make the best decision, but she didn't do it to be an a**hole. Those pregnancy hormones no doubt didn't help either. Let it go and support going forward. Congrats on your new baby!

algelb − NAH. It’s understandable that you’re upset but it seems like the miscarriage really traumatised her. Her fear of you leaving likely has nothing to do with you or your relationship, and everything to do with that trauma. Anxiety can be obnoxiously irrational at times.

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[Reddit User] − NAH. As a woman who recently suffered her 2nd miscarriage, I can tell you... that day replays in your wife’s mind daily, if not several times a day. The constant worry something is wrong... it never goes away... Don’t be angry with her for “hiding” it.

Some women wait until they’ve made it to at least 8/9 weeks to tell their partner because we KNOW we could go in and not hear the fetal pole or “heartbeat” at that point. It’s sheer t**ror thinking it could happen again. You lost your child as well, but you didn’t go to the bathroom for a week (or however long it took to stop bleeding) and see that blood,

you didn’t look at yourself in the mirror and see a flat stomach where there should be a growing bump, you didn’t go through months more cycles (menstrual) before it FINALLY happened. And once it did happen, she relived the entire thing AGAIN in her mind. It’s HORRIFYING. Her fear is stemming from how we see men leave their wife’s because they can’t give them children.

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You might not be that kind of small man at all, but we see them, we fear we’ll live through what those women do. I fear it daily when I look at my husband. Even though I KNOW he’s a good man and would never leave me for something I can not control. But that thought is there.

As for disappointing you, she already probably feels like she let you down. She couldn’t do the one thing we’re told we’re “meant for”. We walk around hearing people tell women we’re meant for baring babies and raising children, and her body failed her.

How terrifying it is to see your body fail not only YOURSELF but the man you love too. Remember that that wound isn’t going to go away, it will heal but leave a scar that will ache. Don’t treat her like something is WRONG with her. She’s a mother. She became a mother the first time the stick shown positive.

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FusionCinemaProd − I’m gonna go with NAH. She’s got complicated feelings about it, even if they were irrational. Now that she’s told you all is well.. Btw congratulations! I hope things go well for you guys

colourlesslenses − Honestly, I’m going with NAH. Yes, you should have known and yes you have a right to be upset, I would be too. I understand her fear though. You lost one child and she didn’t want to hurt you again if it happened again. Wasn’t the best move but I understand completely.

Redditors cheered Addie’s intentions while urging her husband to see her trauma. But do these spicy takes catch the full vibe, or just fuel the fire?

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Addie and her husband’s journey lays bare the tangled beauty of love after loss—where joy and pain collide, and trust can waver but hold fast. Their story prompts us to ponder how we navigate fear and honesty in our closest bonds. Therapy offers hope, but their future rests on shared openness. What would you do in their shoes? Share your thoughts and stories below!

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