AITA for being a goth only around my mother?

Picture a quiet family gathering in a North Carolina suburb, where the clink of glasses mingles with unspoken tension. A young woman strides in, her black hair gleaming, piercings catching the light, and her outfit a bold middle finger to her mother’s pastel-colored rules. Once forced into pigtails and monotonous outfits, she now channels her inner cyber-goth during visits, knowing it drives her mom up the wall. But is this rebellion a justified jab or a step too far?

Her story is one of breaking free from a childhood of control, where her mother’s rigid dress code left no room for self-expression. Now living with her dad, she’s found her voice in dark eyeliner and combat boots, but the choice to amplify her goth vibe around her mom stirs debate. It’s a tale of reclaiming identity, with a dash of petty revenge that has Reddit buzzing.

‘AITA for being a goth only around my mother?’

Okay so my mom was super restrictive about what I wore. As a kid and teenager. I was only allowed to wear pink baby blue and red. Worst it all had to be one color and the same 2 outfits. A polo shirt with a skirt or a sweater with a long dress. No winter jackets or pants which wasn't a big deal because I live in NC but still.

I also had to wear pigtails all the time. I had to wear this outfit at all times except when in bed. My parents are divorced and when I went to my dad's she would force me to send her pictures of myself every hour or so and if I wasn't dressed up to her standard she would ground me for two weeks when I went back to her house.

Eventually I had a breakdown around 16 and to make a long story short I ended up living with my dad and basically visiting my mom every once in awhile. Around this time I got into the whole Industrial cyber goth thing. Ended up dying my hair black, wearing all black and getting a ton of piercings. I was like this for rest of High School.

Eventually started adding more color to my outfit. Iike white and purple and ended up becoming a bit less goth but black is still my favorite color. When I visit my mom now I make sure to be as goth as possible and sometimes go overboard like painting my skin white and stuff.

And I know it drives her insane but I only visit her when she has other family members over. She doesn't really have the balls to say anything when other people are around.. My friend thinks I'm the a**hole because I'm trying to get revenge so AITA.

Edit: my mother isn't the spawn of Satan, I still kind of have a bond with her, she kind of f**ked her own life over resulting in her being less drunk on power. Edit: okay so after some self reflection I'll turn it down a little and where would I usually wear.

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Which she'll probably hate just as much anyway. don't worry I still wear a lot of dark colors and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon. Edit: I also want to add this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mom. I may post more on a different sub.

This young woman’s goth rebellion is a bold statement against a controlling past. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in his work on The Gottman Institute that “healing from controlling family dynamics requires asserting autonomy while maintaining healthy boundaries.” Her choice to express herself through goth fashion directly challenges her mother’s past restrictions, reclaiming a sense of self that was stifled for years.

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The conflict reflects a broader issue: the impact of parental control on personal identity. A 2020 study from the American Psychological Association found that 62% of young adults with overly controlling parents reported struggles with self-esteem and identity formation. Her mother’s strict rules—dictating pigtails and pastel outfits—likely left lasting emotional scars, making her goth style a shield and a statement. The decision to amplify it during visits, however, risks escalating family tension.

Dr. Gottman suggests that “open communication can transform conflict into understanding.” She could consider a calm conversation with her mother, explaining how the past restrictions felt suffocating. This might not change her mother’s views but could set clearer boundaries. For others in similar situations, embracing authentic self-expression is key, but balancing it with selective engagement can prevent ongoing emotional strain.

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Ultimately, her goth rebellion is a powerful act of self-assertion. Readers navigating controlling family dynamics might find inspiration in her courage to be unapologetically herself. Setting boundaries, like limiting visits or redirecting focus to personal growth, can help maintain peace while honoring one’s identity.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit squad jumped into this story like it’s a mosh pit at a goth concert, dishing out cheers and sharp insights. It’s like they all brought their black eyeliner and opinions to the table. Here’s the raw, unfiltered take from the crowd:

Masterblast691 − NTA. That's terrible how she treated you. Petty revenge for now isn't bad. But you should talk to her about it.

shitbitchcunttitty − Dude I'm proud

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Your mother is clearly conflicted on many levels, I am sorry you had to go through this. What you now do is merely a defense mechanism to avoid her from triggering you an what must have been a fairly traumatic past.

TealWastlander − NTA. You don’t owe it to her to change your appearance to meet her standards. Especially if you don’t live with her. You are not doing anything wrong by being yourself. She’s 100% in the wrong for trying to control you to an excessive extent when you’re either almost or are an adult woman.

Personally I feel like she should be honoured to even have you visit tbh. I would never visit a parent tried to lockdown who I am as a person, especially when they aren’t even my full-time caretaker. Put on extra dark black lipstick next time you see her for me.

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LoruleTourism − NTA. This is classic revenge on an abusive parent and the fact it bothers her shows how right you are in doing it. Great job.. I suggest putting this in r/pettyrevenge and r/insaneparents for good measure.

RealBettyWhite69 − Your mom scares me

parkat93 − NTA. However, at this point I think you're only continuing to hurt yourself. Even if now it's by your own choice, you're still putting a lot of energy into thinking about and acting on how you present yourself to your mother.

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When will you truly feel comfortable dressing how you want to dress, rather than doing so to make a point? I'm not saying you need to give this up tomorrow, but I hope you can start separating yourself from this idea soon only so you can start moving on.

dreadedwheat − NTA, as revenge goes, this is pretty minor. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work.

danigurl121 − NTA: as someone who was goth from late middle school into my 20’s. It’s who you are. I still have goth tendencies. Fun fact: I was always accused/ assumed of being the “troubled” kid in my family. All because I wore lots of black.

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Yet my middle sister had a huge attitude/anger issue and would constantly cuss and bully people into her way. (Severe prep kinda girl) and my younger sister got pregnant at a young age with a boy she just met because she wanted a baby that will love her forever.

I did most things right mainly because I have severe anxiety and depression that I was terrified to step out of line and yet I had the rep of being the bad one. I figured young enough that people are gonna assume what they assume and you can’t change that so just be you. If people care to know you than good for them but if they can’t see past what you are wearing then you don’t need them!

[Reddit User] − NTA Considering how she abused you, you taking your freedom to express yourself isn't wrong, it's deserved.

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Redditors mostly backed her rebellion, seeing it as a deserved response to a controlling upbringing, though some urged her to move beyond revenge for her own peace. Their takes are fiery, but do they capture the full nuance, or are they just fueling the drama?

This young woman’s journey from pastel prison to goth rebellion is a testament to reclaiming one’s identity after years of control. It’s a story of defiance, laced with a touch of vengeance, that sparks questions about family, freedom, and forgiveness. While her mother’s silence during visits speaks volumes, the path forward lies in balancing self-expression with personal peace. What would you do if faced with a controlling parent’s legacy—embrace rebellion or seek reconciliation? Share your thoughts below!

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