AITA for baking my niece a cake for her first birthday?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

Picture a vibrant first birthday party, balloons bobbing and kids giggling, with a Texas-themed cake stealing the show—until it sparks family drama. Eager to make her niece’s big day special, one woman pours hours into crafting a homemade cake, a surprise planned with her father-in-law. But when her sister-in-law’s smile turns to a grimace, the sweet gesture sours into accusations of sabotage, leaving the baker blindsided and family ties strained.

This Reddit tale dives into a whirlwind of good intentions gone awry, where a heartfelt cake becomes a recipe for conflict. As angry texts fly and family day plans crumble, the OP wonders if her baking was a gift or a gaffe. Was she wrong to surprise her sister-in-law, or is this a case of misplaced blame? Let’s slice into the drama that’s got Reddit buzzing.

‘AITA for baking my niece a cake for her first birthday?’

Yesterday was my niece's first birthday and originally the plan for the cake was for my father-in-law to buy a store-bought cake. When my father-in-law mentioned he was buying a store-bought cake for the party I asked if I could bake the birthday cake and smash cake instead.

ADVERTISEMENT

My father-in-law was thrilled at the idea and requested that it be a surprise to my sister and brother-in-law, I saw no issue and agreed. Over the past week, I have spent countless hours on this cake, going in I had very high expectations for the cake and although I did not meet those high expectations I am still happy with the cake and 100% believe it is better than a store-bought cake.. ​

Yesterday at the party when it was time to bring out the cake my father-in-law took the cake out of its hiding spot and brought it into the main area of the party. When my brother-in-law saw the cake he had a big smile and seemed really happy, however when my sister-in-law saw the cake she looked mortified.

Quickly my sister-in-law threw on a fake smile and asked my father-in-law about the cake, probably my father-in-law announced that I was the one who made the cake. My sister-in-law gritted her teeth the entire time we sang happy birthday and refused to even try the cake for the whole party.. ​

After I left I was bombarded with messages from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. The messages were everything from I intentionally sabotaged her daughter‘s first birthday party to because of me all the photos of her daughter‘s first birthday are ruined by the stain of my trashy cake.

ADVERTISEMENT

I didn’t know what to say so I just screenshot all of the texts and sent them to my husband who is currently overseas for the military after I did that everything has just blown up. It feels like brother against brother and like my parents-in-law are just trying to play both sides.. ​

Every Saturday we usually do a family day, usually, we all eat a bunch of good food and do some kind of activity together but this morning my father-in-law asked me to sit out of this week's family day out and I’m crushed.

Honestly, I was just trying to be nice and make my niece's birthday even more memorable, I was not trying to take the day away from her but it feels like everyone’s against me and I think I might be the ass.. ​. Edit: My profile picture is the cake and the theme of the party was cowboys and Texas. That’s why there is the Texas long horn and sheriffs badge.

ADVERTISEMENT

This cake caper is a classic case of good intentions hitting a family fault line. The OP’s effort to bake a cowboy-themed masterpiece for her niece was heartfelt, but her sister-in-law’s reaction screams deeper issues. Dr. John Gottman, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Unspoken expectations can fuel resentment in families” (The Gottman Institute). The OP’s surprise, planned with her father-in-law, overlooked the sister-in-law’s role as the party’s host, sparking her outrage.

The sister-in-law’s mortified reaction and harsh texts suggest she felt upstaged or disrespected. Given their rocky history, as Reddit comments hint, the surprise cake likely felt like a boundary violation. Studies show 60% of family conflicts arise from miscommunication over roles (Psychology Today). The OP’s father-in-law shares blame for suggesting the surprise without consulting the host, then dodging the fallout by uninviting the OP.

ADVERTISEMENT

This scenario reflects broader challenges in family dynamics: respecting boundaries while sharing love. Dr. Gottman advises open dialogue to clarify expectations before big gestures. The OP could’ve checked with her sister-in-law, ensuring the cake aligned with her vision. An apology for the oversight, paired with a commitment to communicate better, could mend fences. The OP should also discuss her exclusion from family day with her father-in-law, seeking clarity.

For now, the OP’s heart was in the right place, but skipping the sister-in-law’s input was a misstep.

ADVERTISEMENT

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit rolled in with a lively mix of cheers and side-eyes for this baking blunder, like a family potluck where everyone’s got a spicy opinion. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the community:

Impossible-Quail-679 − NTA when I clicked on your profile my jaw dropped. That cake was amazing. Your SIL and BIL should be extremely grateful. It’s clear you put a lot of time and effort into that cake.

ADVERTISEMENT

claireclairey − NTA but your FiL sure is. He should’ve accepted complete responsibility for all this drama, and never uninvited you to a family gathering. Sounds like he’s afraid to “rock the boat” for fear of not seeing his grandkid, which is sad.

burritosarelyfe − I’ll be honest, while the cake is lovely, something is not sitting right with me. Her behavior has not come out of nowhere according to you. She doesn’t like you, and gets upset with everything you do.

ADVERTISEMENT

So WHY did you go to your FIL without her knowledge to change her plans for the birthday cake? If you were hoping to mend fences with SIL, why didn’t you plan out the cake with her involvement?

Having had manipulative people in my family, I’m getting wiffs of you stirring the pot in a plausibly deniable way. I don’t have enough info yet to say Y T A, but I’m by no means comfortable telling you that you’re not in this situation.. Edit: Wow, thanks for the awards!

ADVERTISEMENT

Cosmic_SparkleDust − They really should be grateful that you went out of the way to plan and make the cake. Also, Fk your FIL for going along with the idea for you to bake the cake, and then not backing you up after your inlaws threw a fit at the party. Then FIL having the nerve to disinvite you from family day, it seems like there is some deeper grudge being held here over something.. NTA

rutfilthygers − YTA. I don't care how nice or tasty your cake was, it wasn't what your SIL wanted. You volunteered to do it without telling her, instead springing a surprise on someone who you are well aware doesn't particularly like you.. Frankly, it feels like you were grandstanding.

ADVERTISEMENT

IntrovertedMuser − Based on the other comments, I know this is going to be an unpopular take here, but YTA. I personally think your cake is beautiful. That said, it doesn’t matter what **I** think. What matters is what your **SIL** thinks as the mom of the 1 yo who was planning the party.

**SHE** is mom, and she was host… you circumvented her authority as the mom. and party host and don’t seem to see the problem with that. Your FIL was asked to go the store and buy a cake. Instead, you and he went behind your SIL’s back and did your own thing.

ADVERTISEMENT

It clearly wasn’t what she wanted, as even before she knew you did the cake, you specifically state she looked mortified when she saw it. Maybe she should have been more clear in her expectations, **but had you and your FIL approached her with your suggested plan, this would have given her the opportunity to clarify what she wanted.

** It’s her kid’s party and therefore her rules. You specifically used this opportunity to circumvent her request for a store-bought cake. This kind of boundary pushing isn’t okay, and if this is how you usually act, it probably explains your other comments mentioning that she doesn’t seem to like you.

I want to believe you have good intentions, so I’m going to give you some advice. Stop pushing boundaries. Stop trying to insert yourself. Stop making her nuclear family moments somehow about you. Even if you think you’re being helpful, you’re pissing her off and shoving your perspective/wants on her and her family, such as what you did in this big moment for her daughter.

Think about it:. **You** decided that a cake you made would be better than a store-bought cake. **You** decided that there was no issue in not communicating this new plan of a homemade cake to your SIL, who was hosting this party and had trusted your FIL with purchasing a store-bought cake..

ADVERTISEMENT

**You** decided that your actions were nice and would make your niece’s bday more memorable. Why do **your** perspectives matter more than your SIL’s to the point that you don’t stop and go, “You know what… let me make sure that **she** thinks a homemade cake would be better than store bought?

Even if **I** would be okay with a surprise like this… I shouldn’t assume **she** will be okay with being surprised. Let me verify that **she** thinks this is nice and will make my niece’s first birthday party more memorable.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Even after the fact, when she blew up on you, you escalated the situation by involving your husband bc you’re so convinced you’re the victim and she should appreciate your boundary pushing since you “did what you thought was a nice thing.”

Had you just showed up to the party and not inserted yourself and your opinions, things would have been fine.. I have a MIL like you. She’s made my life very difficult over the years. Here are some examples:

ADVERTISEMENT

I wanted a child-free wedding party, and my MIL thought it would be special for my SIL’s son to be the ring bearer, so she circumvented me and went to my husband and said she thought it would be special if his nephew was the ring bearer. (This led to a ridiculous amount of conflict as I tried to untangle the mess she created with a fiancée who had initially agreed to go kid-free until his mom pushed and made him feel guilty.)

MIL thought that natural childbirth was better than an epidural, so she tried sending me articles about the risks and when I pushed back and asked her to please stop inserting herself, accused me of “not wanting my child to be born healthy more than I wanted to avoid pain.”

ADVERTISEMENT

MIL decided that we weren’t doing a good job as parents, and proceeded to discipline our child and take her to task behind our backs. This has resulted in years of therapy for said child, as her version of “discipline” is abusive.. MIL gave my children sweets without asking just before bed.

MIL has circumvented my authority through the years via both overtly and passively aggressive methods. Right now you’re passively being aggressive in the way you push boundaries. However, **you’re still pushing.** If you want to repair this relationship, start by apologizing.

ADVERTISEMENT

Follow up with a commitment to respect your SIL’s boundaries from now on. **Then follow through and respect them.** I don’t care if every other person on this forum thinks you did a nice thing… if your SIL didn’t think it was nice, it wasn’t nice to her and therefore it wasn’t nice.

And since you didn’t communicate with her before doing “the thing” to make sure she thought it was nice, you clearly didn’t care enough about her feelings and are TA. The fact that you’re posting your photos all over and tooting your own horn on how good you did just makes it worse, bc rather than reflecting on where you went wrong, you’re doubling down,

ADVERTISEMENT

and arrogantly saying she should be grateful for the thing you did **that she never asked for and that you never verified she wanted.** Edit: grammar ETA: Thank you so much for the awards! I appreciate the love. ☺️

SukItUp − I'm going to go against a lot of people and say YTA. In other comments you mention your sister having issues with everything you do. Her child's first birthday party IS NOT the time to get her to change her mind.

ADVERTISEMENT

She did not ask you to bake the cake, she clearly has an issue with you and did not want your involvement, and you 'surprised' her with something and expected her to be grateful. It wasn't really the time or place to try to resolve whatever issue is between you two.

[Reddit User] − Info: The cake is beautiful, but this is clearly not about the cake. Was father in-law given specific instructions about the cake? Was it supposed to be a surprise what the cake looked like? Do you normally get along with your in-laws?

ADVERTISEMENT

SpeechIll6025 − I’m going to say YTA. You know you have a rocky relationship with SIL, you never should have agreed to the surprise cake. The cake is beautiful and in no way tacky! But I’m guessing SIL feels like this was an attention grab on your part - now everyone at the party is commenting on the awesome cake that you just happened to whip up.

A store bought cake wouldn’t have “upstaged” the party. And while it obviously wasn’t your intent, I’m sure it did basically ruin her daughters party for her, and when she thinks back on it this will always stand out. I’d say FIL is also an AH (maybe just a cluesless one?) But you never should have gone along with it.

ADVERTISEMENT

nixm88 − OP several people have asked why you thought it was a good idea to make a cake for SIL’s daughter when you know your SIL doesn’t like you. It looks like you are only responding to N T A comments.

Redditors split down the middle, some praising the OP’s stunning cake and others calling her out for ignoring her sister-in-law’s wishes. The father-in-law’s flip-flop drew shade, but do these takes capture the full recipe?

This tale of a birthday cake gone wrong leaves us pondering family boundaries, good intentions, and party planning pitfalls. The OP’s homemade gift sparked joy for some but fury for her sister-in-law. Was she wrong to surprise the party host, or is the backlash unfair? What would you do if your heartfelt gesture backfired at a family event? Share your thoughts—let’s keep this conversation baking.

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *