AITA for asking to be given my money back after being told they don’t want me to come on holiday with them?

Picture a man scrolling through his calendar, his heart sinking as he realizes his much-anticipated holiday with his girlfriend’s family is off—yet he’s still out £222 for it. After 18 months of rocky moments with his partner, her family’s last-minute decision to exclude him from the trip stings, not just emotionally but financially. The tension of their on-again, off-again arguments now spills into a messy standoff over fairness and cash.

His plea for a refund isn’t just about money—it’s about respect and feeling sidelined in a relationship already on thin ice. Readers can’t help but feel the sting of his predicament: is he wrong to demand his share back, or is he standing up for what’s right? His story unfolds as a relatable clash of love, pride, and principles, begging the question: how do you navigate fairness when emotions run high?

‘AITA for asking to be given my money back after being told they don’t want me to come on holiday with them?’

My girlfirend and I had been arguing on-off for 18 months, with the last 2 months being especially tense resulting in her very nearly leaving me this weekend. This was made even more of a tense situation as we have booked to go away with her whole family next week that we have all chipped in towards (£222) and she couldn't decide whether she felt comfortable with me coming or not.

She's finally said shes happy for me to come still as we've had some really productive and hopeful conversations but now her family have said that their not comfortable with me coming anymore after seeing her upset so long as they think it will be awkward and make the holiday tense.

I do understand this, this isn't the issue, but the whole time my partner couldnt decide whether she was happy for me to come or not it wasn't once mentioned by her parents that even if she was happy they still wouldn't be.. Am I the a**hole for asking for my £222 back?

I've had to take holiday off work, that's now going to be awkward for my manager to cancel and find me jobs last minute as were meant to be going next week, and i've had no choice in whether im coming or not. ? Don't want to still be paying whilst everyone else goes and keeps there cheaper split accomadation cost!

I have no idea how to handle this and really need some help, the last thing I wan't to do is drive another wedge between my girlfriend and I or make her feel like shes stuck in the middle. She is really sad about this too and didn't see it coming at all. For context there were 6 of us going in total, so £222 each.

EDIT: Forgot to add were also meant all be seeing a show I've put £60 on Friday, which I haven't heard anything about yet! Also cost is accomodation only no flights :) Alot of people have been asking for context to me writing '18 months' of arguing, I don't see that weve been arguing for 18 months at all thats what she says,

but that weve had tension for 10ish months mostly over her looking at doing 2 year courses and renting in London (5 1/2hours away), which she hasn't seemed entirely sure on so has caused anxiety and steress back and forth due to my worries (Some of which is stuff that I need to work on and she accepts has made worse by being distant as a defence mechanism.

Its too much to explain in one edit haha but at the crux shes had a really hard last 10 years in life with mental health and feels like my own anxieties around long distance etc etc are causing here to be restricted and not be free to explore all options now shes feeling better slowly.

I've never said she cant do anything ever, just had worries about certain things like money and long term goals. No kids, both having to live with parents as saving both trying to save for deposit (I know i know ignore how much of a bad idea this sounds at the current moment).

EDIT: Thought I should mention, which makes things abit more complicated I just realised. Before my partner and I had all the really good conversations and she had said that we will try and make wales work and it might could be alright me coming, I had said to just forget about it,

and the money that I wouldn't come because I could see how much pressure it was putting on here to make her mind up about the relationship me saying I wouldnt be happy to not come and that id like my money back if she did make that decision. I was going to settle for not asking for the money but now its her parents making that decision for me not to come it really doesnt feel fair to me.

Being uninvited from a family holiday you’ve paid for is a bitter pill, especially amid a strained relationship. This man’s request for a £222 refund is less about pettiness and more about asserting fairness after being sidelined. His girlfriend’s family, citing discomfort, made a unilateral decision, yet their silence on refunding him suggests an unfair expectation that he subsidize their trip. His girlfriend’s indecision earlier only adds to the sense of being strung along.

This scenario reflects broader issues of financial boundaries in relationships. A 2022 study by the National Financial Educators Council found that 65% of couples face conflicts over shared expenses, often due to unclear expectations (source: financialeducatorscouncil.org). Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch says, “Money disputes in relationships often stem from unaddressed power dynamics, where one party feels dismissed” (source: drterritheloveexpert.com). Here, the family’s refusal to refund may signal a lack of respect for his role in the relationship.

He should calmly approach the family directly, framing the refund as a natural outcome of his exclusion, as suggested by financial counselor Dave Ramsey’s advice on handling shared costs (source: ramseysolutions.com). If they resist, he might need to weigh the relationship’s future, given the ongoing tension.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s community jumped in with a mix of fiery support and sly wit, like mates hashing it out over a pint. Here’s what they had to say:

NectarsNova − Not gonna lie, I’d 100% be asking for that £222 back. You’re not going on the trip, so why should you still be paying for it like you’re getting a tan and sipping cocktails with the fam? It sucks that things have been rocky, and it’s clear you’re trying to be mature about it, but getting left behind and footing the bill is wild.

That’s not a holiday, that’s a donation. Totally get not wanting to make things worse with your girlfriend, but this is basic fairness. You're not being petty—you're just not trying to pay for someone else’s Airbnb vibes while you sit at home refreshing your annual leave calendar.

CatDaddy1135 − NTA No one should expect you to pay for a vacation you're not permitted to go on. They need to pay you back. I would get that in writing as well. That said arguing for 18 months is not remotely normal or healthy. If things are so bad her family doesn't want you around, you have no future with this girl. I'd recommend just ending it for both your sakes.

kurokomainu − NTA I wouldn't ask for your money back so much as say you understand they aren't comfortable with you coming, so you will comply with their wishes and remove your involvement in the trip. They can return your money and there will be no hard feelings. This (properly) frames returning your money as just being a natural part of the process of you removing your involvement at their request rather than being something separate and a big deal.

Disastrous-Ideal7629 − NTA. If they're not comfortable with you being there, they shouldn't be comfortable with you funding (in oart) their vacation. Get your money back and put it into savings for another trip. Maybe a weekend away to reconnect with your partner?

Zloiche1 − NTA get the money back. And cut things off. Arguing off and on for a year and half isn't healthy. 

Tricky-Fig4772 − The parents are uncomfortable with you going. They don’t want you to go. They need to refund your money. Shouldn’t be an issue. NTA

Meriadoxm − NTA - just tell them that you completely understand and ask that they refund you your $200 and let them know that as soon as they do that you’ll take yourself off holiday from work

Worth-Season3645 − NTA….”I understand you no longer want me to attend, which is fine, but I do then expect to receive my portion of the vacation back please. I am not paying for something I am no longer invited to”.

Absoma − If you are arguing that much while dating, it is a doomed relationship. Dating should be easy and effortless with the right person. Get your money back. NTA

Dharmas_buttrope − I would bring it up with her family. Don't put your girlfriend in the middle. Mention it exactly once, as in one singular conversation about refunding your money. If they balk, verify with them something along the lines of 'So just to clarify, I'm good enough to help pay for your vacation,

but I'm *not* good enough to actually go *on* the vacation?' And if they have any shame at all, they will either refund you or let you go. While it's not enough money to go scorched earth over, it IS enough for a gentle reminder that her family doesn't get it both ways.. NTA.

These opinions pack a punch, but do they nail the heart of the issue, or is fairness trickier than Reddit’s quick takes?

This man’s stand for his £222 is a bold move in a relationship already teetering on the edge. Whether he gets his money back or not, his story challenges us to think about fairness, respect, and when to draw the line. What would you do if you were stuck footing the bill for a trip you were cut from? Drop your thoughts or stories—how do we balance love and standing up for ourselves?

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