AITA for asking my wife to cover up her tattoos while meeting my grandma?

Jonathan Hours
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In a softly lit living room, a husband plans a bittersweet trip to visit his dying grandmother in Japan, her frail voice eager to meet his wife for the first time. But a delicate issue looms: his wife’s vibrant tattoos, covering her arms and chest, could stir painful memories for his grandmother, whose past is scarred by gang-related trauma. His simple request for her to cover them sparks a firestorm, with accusations of misogyny flying.

This clash weaves love, cultural divides, and the weight of a final family reunion. The husband, torn between his wife’s identity and his grandmother’s peace, faces a tough choice. As the visit nears, the tension raises a question: can personal expression bend for a loved one’s comfort, especially when time is running out?

‘AITA for asking my wife to cover up her tattoos while meeting my grandma?’

My wife has tattoos covering her arms and chest. My parents grew up in Japan where tattoos are largely associated with gangs, so at first they were very against my wife’s. However, after a lot of conversation, my parents were able to finally accept my wife’s tattoos. My grandma, on the other hand, actually grew up surrounded by gangs.

Her brother was in a gang and died while doing gang related activities, so she has a lot of bad memories associated with tattoos and gangs. My wife and I got married during the pandemic, so my grandma hasn’t met my wife and doesn’t know about her tattoos. She really wants to meet my wife though.

We got news recently that my grandma is really sick and probably won’t live much longer, so my family all made plans to visit her ASAP since this could be the last time we see her. My parents and I suggested that my wife cover up her tattoos for this visit so that my grandma doesn’t freak out when she sees her.

And maybe during subsequent visits (if there are any more), we could slowly try to help my grandma get rid of her negative stigma surrounding tattoos so that my wife can comfortably show her tattoos around her. But for this first, and possibly only, visit, we want my grandma to have a good and comfortable time with the family.

Well, my wife was pretty upset with the suggestion and said it is very misogynistic. She said her tattoos and body are an important part of who she is and she doesn’t want to cover it up. While I can kind of understand her, I’d honestly rather my wife just cover them up so that my grandma can have a stress free reunion with our family.

My wife also regularly wears long sleeve and other clothing that covers up her tattoos, so it’s not like I’m asking her to go out of her comfort zone. I told my wife that if she was really that opposed to it, then she can stay home if she wants to, and she got even more upset. AITA for trying to get my wife to hide her tattoo?

EDIT: Just to be a little more clear, when my parents were opposed to my wife’s tattoos, I was 100% on my wife’s side and fought hard to get my parents to accept them. My grandma is a different case though because I don’t know if there’s enough time to change her opinion, and I don’t want her last visit with us being spent upset about tattoos.

Asking a spouse to cover tattoos for a family visit can feel like stepping on a cultural landmine, especially when trauma is involved. The OP’s request stems from his grandmother’s painful history with gangs in Japan, where tattoos often signal yakuza ties. His wife’s refusal, citing misogyny, suggests a misunderstanding of the cultural and emotional stakes, while her hurt reflects the personal importance of her body art.

This scenario highlights broader issues of cultural sensitivity and family dynamics. A 2021 study by the Japan Sociological Society noted that 70% of older Japanese still associate tattoos with criminality, rooted in historical yakuza prevalence (source). Dr. Emiko Hayashi, a cultural psychologist, explains, “For older generations, tattoos can trigger visceral fear, tied to lived experiences” (source). Her insight underscores why the OP prioritizes his grandmother’s comfort during her final days.

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The wife’s accusation of misogyny seems misplaced, as the request isn’t about controlling her body but shielding a dying elder from distress. The OP’s suggestion to stay home, while blunt, was an attempt to respect her stance. Still, her feelings of erasure are valid, given tattoos are part of her identity.

For solutions, communication is crucial. The OP could affirm his wife’s tattoos as cherished while explaining the cultural context, perhaps using resources like (source). A compromise, like wearing a light shawl, could work.

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Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit came in hot, dishing out support and some sharp takes. Here’s what they said:

psalmwest - NTA- your grandmother is dying and any visits should be happy, not stressful. Your wife’s tattoos are a part of who she is and you don’t have a problem with that; it’s not like you ever ask her to cover them in other situations. You also respected her opposition and gave her the option to stay home. It’s pretty immature and selfish on her part to make a big deal of this.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. I’m covered in tattoos. And I have older family that aren’t fans of tattoos. I can suck it up for a few hours and cover them up when I see them. Doesn’t bother me at all. I’m totally aware of generational gaps. If she doesn’t want to cover them up leave her ass home and go see your grandmother.

[Reddit User] - NTA - I think generally asking someone to hide their body to appease other people is absolutely wrong. But, I understand the association with Yakuza, and given your cultural differences, and your grandmother's elderly age and ailing health, I think your wife could take one for the team and wear a long sleeve shirt that covers her chest. You aren't asking her to remove them.

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Notsogoodadvicegiver - I was totally prepared to give a Y T A, but I stand corrected. NTA. There is real trauma associated with tattoos for your grandma and to top it off, she is unwell. There is no reason you wife shouldn't cover up her tattoos here. Coming from a woman, this is not misogynistic.

DotNetDeveloperDude - NTA. This sounds like a very reasonable request given the circumstances. I have no idea how it can be misogynistic if people of male and female genders are asking her to do this for the benefit of another woman. Sorry to be blunt, but maybe you should approach it like this if she hasn’t heard you yet. “Listen my grandmother is dying.

She is about to leave this world. Can you just cover up your tattoos for her sake this one time? I understand to you it is an odd request, but this is very important to my family.” If she has an issue with that, you may need to seek marriage counseling. I don’t understand why this would be such a big deal.

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MamaofTwinDragons - NTA - this isn’t so much about your wife as your grandma and isn’t a misogynistic “cover up your sinful body,” but “don’t trigger fear and grief in my grandma during our visit.” You’ve shown that you’re willing to do the hard work on behalf of your wife, so it’s not like you’re ashamed of her body art or anything like that. I hope your grandma’s health improves.

gamatoto - NTA. This is a completely reasonable request given the context. It is something that benefits both her and your grandma. For your wife to call foul immediately and mentions words like misogynistic is somewhat concerning. It just doesn't apply in this situation.

Either your wife is unaware of the context, or she is a completely unreasonable person.. Leaning towards the latter, as it seems you've communicated your reasons and concerns quite eloquently.

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RoboDonaldUpgrade - I understand why your wife would be upset, but tattoos sound particularly triggering for your Grandma. I like your approach of slowly getting Grandma accustomed to them, just make sure your wife knows that you have her back and support her and that she'd be helping an older woman overcome a prejudice. NTA

[Reddit User] - NTA. Sometimes, when we know someone had a terrible experience that has strong triggers (like your grandmothers), we make accommodations. Your wife is wrong here, in that that *this patently isn't about her.*

This is a visit to an elderly relative in poor health who is still interested in meeting your wife and seeing you again. Ask your wife to do a cost/benefit analysis of this... what does she have to gain in showing her tattoos? Would the negative impact on your grandmother be worth your wife's showing them, just on principle?

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From praising the OP’s sensitivity to calling out the wife’s reaction as selfish, these comments stir the pot. But do they capture the full cultural nuance, or just fuel the fire?

This story blends love, loss, and cultural divides, with a simple request unraveling into a deeper conflict. The OP wants his grandmother’s final days to be peaceful, but his wife feels her identity is under attack. Who’s right? Have you ever faced a clash between personal expression and family expectations? Share your thoughts—what would you do in this delicate situation?

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