AITA for asking my sister to step down from being my bridesmaid because of her eating disorder/weight?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

Wedding bells were supposed to ring with joy, but for one bride, they clanged with family tension. Planning her big day, she faced a heart-wrenching choice about her sister Julia, whose lifelong battle with an eating disorder resurfaced with recent weight gain. Fearing a relapse or dress-fitting stress could overshadow the celebration, the bride gently asked Julia to step down as a bridesmaid, hoping to shield her. But the decision, meant to protect, instead sparked hurt and family division.

Julia’s heartbreak, her father’s fury, and even the fiancé’s disapproval cast a shadow over what should be a joyful time. The bride, backed by her mother and sisters, thought she was acting out of care, but now wonders if her approach was too blunt. Was asking Julia to step down a compassionate move or a misstep that deepened her sister’s pain?

‘AITA for asking my sister to step down from being my bridesmaid because of her eating disorder/weight?’

I know it sounds bad when summed up that way, but I couldn’t think of a better/more descriptive title, so please hear me out before judging. My (25F) sister Julia (28F) was overweight growing up while the rest of us (five girls, no brothers) were always petite. No one in our family ever treated her badly for her weight, though my mom did try to help her diet several times throughout our childhood for purely health reasons.

She was hospitalized for her eating disorder for the first time when she was 18, and she’s been in and out of treatment facilities since then. She’s been “recovered” several times over the years, but it’s never been permanent. Pre-pandemic, Julia seemed to be on a recovery kick again.

She looked healthy, seemed to be eating normally, and even asked if I wanted some of her old smaller clothes she was giving away (she has some nice stuff from when she was thinner—as I mentioned the rest of us are pretty petite). I was hopeful she could keep it together and felt okay about asking her to be a bridesmaid at that point.

That was the last time I saw her though (Feb. 2020), until I saw her Friday for Christmas. Julia has gained a LOT of weight in that time, probably 20 pounds, which is a lot because she’s short. This is a huge red flag to me because prior relapses have been preceded by weight gain, which seems to trigger another relapse.

So the way I see it, there are two possibilities from here. The first is that she relapses and loses all the weight, in which case she might not even show up for the wedding (she’s missed big family events because of being in residential treatment before), or maybe even worse she’ll continue to gain weight, in which case things like dress fittings could be a nightmare for her body image.

In either scenario, I think it makes more sense for her to not be a bridesmaid. That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole. So I texted her after Christmas to be ask if she was doing okay. Sure enough, she admitted she’d been having body image issues since gaining weight during lockdown.

I kindly asked her to step down from being a bridesmaid, explaining that it was for her own good and I was only doing this because I cared about her. She seemed upset but agreed to step down. Well, now our dad is furious with me, saying Julia is heartbroken.

She of course hasn’t brought ANYTHING up to me directly (that’s how she always is).  My mom and sisters are all on my side here and agree Julia not being a bridesmaid is what’s best for everyone. Julia has always been my dad’s favorite,

so I wasn’t that worried about being in the wrong here—until my FIANCÉ said I was wrong and basically called me an AH for even bringing up her weight with her. Julia for her part now refuses to even engage the conversation and is upset with my dad of all people for talking to me about her “private” feelings. So I figured I’d ask here. AITA?

ADVERTISEMENT

Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the a**hole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly s**ew you. This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us.

Edit #2: my fiancé was the one who suggested I post here in the first place to get an objective opinion, so he is reading these comments too. Please stop talking about our future children or saying he should leave me, because frankly you have no idea what you’re talking about; none of you know my life or my history.

ADVERTISEMENT

I‘ve had mental health struggles too—I’m lucky that they don’t involve body image because I have always been thin but they’ve still been immensely difficult to get through. I have BPD and anxiety through the roof. I didn’t have some perfect childhood where me and my sisters all ganged up on our one sister for being fat or whatever story some of you seem to have in your head.

I will talk to Julia and try to be more understanding of her point of view, but none of you had to be there when even the mention of her having an issue with food caused a meltdown or when she’s ruined holidays because something as simple as someone gifting her an item of clothing caused her to break down in front of everyone.

ADVERTISEMENT

Weddings amplify emotions, but this bride’s decision to sideline her sister Julia over her eating disorder stirred a raw wound. Julia’s weight gain, a known trigger for past relapses, sparked genuine concern, but the bride’s text-message approach—however well-intentioned—lacked the sensitivity needed for such a fragile topic. Julia’s hurt and the family’s divide highlight a misstep in delivery, if not intent.

Eating disorders are complex, affecting 9% of women globally, per a 2021 Lancet Psychiatry study, and public discussions can exacerbate shame (source). The bride’s fear of Julia relapsing or struggling with fittings is valid, but excluding her risks reinforcing body image stigma.

ADVERTISEMENT

Dr. Cynthia Bulik, an eating disorder expert, notes, “Exclusion based on health struggles, even with good intentions, can deepen feelings of rejection” (source). A face-to-face talk, offering Julia a choice to step down, might have preserved her dignity.

The bride should initiate an open, empathetic conversation with Julia, perhaps with a therapist’s guidance, to rebuild trust. Including Julia in a less pressure-filled wedding role could affirm her value.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out sharp critiques with a side of empathy for Julia’s plight. Here’s a sampling of their candid takes, sizzling with judgment:

ADVERTISEMENT

cotsoui − YTA. You basically highlighted all her self esteem issues as reasons why you don't want her as your moh. I think what's worse is this comment That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, *show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole*.. Harsh. Hope you didn't say that to her face.

Texasworld − That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, **and it won’t affect the day as a whole.**. Oh my god. YTA. You’re such a selfish a**hole I can’t even believe it. Eating disorders *can be lethal.* You don’t care about your sister’s health, you just care how it affects *you.* Thank God for your dad, because you, your mother, and sisters have about a teaspoon of empathy between you.

Maximum_System_7819 − YTA. If you were concerned for her, you could have just told her that you wouldn’t be offended if she preferred to step down if being in the wedding was creating any extra pressure. You could’ve told her you want her there and happy and would support her in whatever that means. But you wanted her out of the wedding so it doesn’t create a headache for you if she relapses or can’t maintain a size.

ADVERTISEMENT

It was not motivated by her or her health. Why didn’t you anticipate this before asking her? This was perhaps the worst possible outcome. Now she has a visible sign of her failure tied to her weight and health which has led to her exclusion from her sisters even before a relapse. Very insensitive and risky choice on your part.

Also, you should be able to reflect as an adult on whether the dieting during childhood was really a better choice for her “health” because I’m mighty suspicious of that. What health issues did she have that required a diet? A clogged artery at 15?

[Reddit User] − YTA. And a h**ocrite, too. You didn't have the respect for her to communicate beyond a *text* asking her do drop out of your wedding party, a conversation which really should be done in person if you actually care, and now you're getting mad at her for not wanting to talk to you? Not only that, but your objections aren't because of her health.

ADVERTISEMENT

You're bothered by the chance that she could inconvenience you by checking into a rehab facility, or by needing her dress refitted. Not a single one of you cares enough about your sister to actually *talk to her* like the adult she is, y'all are just trying to make decisions for her like she's still 5 years old.

EDIT: and your edits make you look even worse, you keep going 'MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME'. How hard it was for *you* to deal with a mentally ill sibling. How hard it is for *you*. How much *you* want. You aren't bothering to think about her even in your edits. I honestly feel sorry for her, having a sister like you.

Gave2Cents_NowBroke − YTA your 'petite' self needs to grow up.

ADVERTISEMENT

Agreeable-Asparagus − I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. You told her she couldn't be a part of your special day because of the one thing she struggles with the most. The one thing that she's probably insecure about above all else. She probably feels like s**t right now and is trying not to relapse. Being a part of your wedding would have been encouragement for her. If her weight is the only reason you're asking her to step down, it's kind of a kick in the teeth.

Rinne420 − YTA. And your sister definitely was treated differently if not badly growing up based on the fact your mom tried to get her to go on a diet. A huge factor in developing a eating disorder is when parents force you on a diet *edit it also isn’t your place to decide what’s triggering for a person and what’s not which you seemed to do*

30_e − Omg YTA. You don’t talk about someone’s ed unless they bring it up first, you don’t mention peoples weight, and you sure as hell don’t tell them they can’t be a bridesmaid because of something they can’t change immediately. I understand your concern for her but in all honesty you are only going to make her worse. You stressed her out and essentially told her she isn’t good enough to be in your bridal party. How would you feel if roles were reversed?

ADVERTISEMENT

lc_2005 − YTA 100%. Don't try to pretend like you are concerned about her health. It is blatantly obvious that your concern is 100% on how she would impact your wedding if she didn't show up. You didn't want to risk the 'inconvenience' so you decided to land a low blow by excluding her due to the one thing she is most self-conscious about. Not only are you an a**hole but sound like a terrible sister.

kellyworlds − Wow and that edit makes you even more of a AH God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her. that just shows you don't care for her at all

These Redditors are serving tough love, but do their calls for empathy miss the bride’s perspective, or are they spot-on? Can this family mend the rift before the big day?

ADVERTISEMENT

This wedding drama unveils the delicate dance of love and sensitivity in families touched by mental health struggles. The bride’s intent to protect her sister misfired, leaving Julia wounded and the family split. Was she wrong to prioritize her wedding’s flow, or should empathy have trumped logistics? A heart-to-heart could heal, but how? Share your thoughts—what would you do to balance a sister’s pain with a perfect wedding day?

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *