AITA for asking my husband to return his gift?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a cozy birthday evening, the air filled with the scent of cake and anticipation, only for the unwrapping of a gift to spark a quiet storm. A woman, comfortably curled up in her favorite old t-shirt, opens a sleek package to find a $150 merino wool nightgown—luxurious, yes, but as out of place as a peacock in a henhouse. For her, it’s not just about the gift; it’s about a decade of missed cues and unspoken expectations. Her practical request to return it stirs tension, leaving readers wondering: is she ungrateful, or is he out of touch?

This relatable tale of mismatched gift-giving tugs at the heartstrings of anyone who’s ever hoped for a present that truly gets them. It’s a story of love, miscommunication, and the delicate dance of expressing needs without bruising egos, setting the stage for a deeper look at what makes gifts meaningful.

‘AITA for asking my husband to return his gift?’

I (36f) and my husband (38m) have been together for over ten years. He is a horrible gift giver, there are only a few gifts he's given to me that I actually like and appreciate from over the years. I have out right told him things I would like, and I even have a running Amazon list going of things I need/want.

My birthday was a few days ago and he got me a night gown. It's nice, but it also cost $150! I mostly wear tshirts to bed, I definitely have not ever asked for pajamas or even said I wanted to get them. When I opened up my gift I was thinking WTF I didn't say anything bad about it, but I also didn't say anything nice about it.

To the point where my son asked why I didn't like it. My husband made the point to say how expensive it was and how good the quality and ratings where. Most of my clothing cost less than $40 a piece, and like I said I usually just wear an old tshirt to bed. So I was thrown off as to why he would spend so much money on something I wouldn't really use.

I asked him to return it, to get his money back. To me it was a waste of money, and I rather he not throw his money away. (We are in no way rich!). He was very upset, maybe even mad at me for not just being thankful and accepting the gift. He is still clearly upset, as the night gown is still sitting on my desk in the original wrapping.. So, AITA??.

EDIT TO ADD: When I say I wear old tshirts, they are not rags. They are the shirts that people get you from vacations or a shirt from a themed party that you wear once. I get hot at night so I don't typically wear bottoms, and I hate the feeling of a nightgown when it bunches up and twists around my body..

The nightgown he bought was from a private company overseas that used merino wool and other expensive materials. I never yelled or got upset about it. I only say I'd rather you use your money for something more useful. If I really wanted new pjs, I could have got 4 new sets for the same price and would have been very happy with that.

Gift-giving can be a minefield, especially when partners don’t quite sync up on what makes a present special. The OP’s story highlights a common issue: one partner’s thoughtful gesture can feel like a misstep when it ignores the other’s clear preferences. After ten years together, the husband’s choice of an extravagant nightgown over items from her Amazon wishlist feels like a disconnect.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that “small gestures of understanding build trust and connection” . Here, the husband’s focus on expense over utility missed the mark. His defensive reaction suggests pride in his choice, but ignoring her t-shirt preference shows a gap in emotional attunement. This isn’t just about a nightgown—it’s about feeling seen.

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The broader issue is communication in long-term relationships. A 2023 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 68% of couples report misunderstandings around gift-giving as a source of conflict . The OP’s clear wishlist was a roadmap, yet her husband veered off course, perhaps prioritizing his vision of luxury over her practical needs.

For solutions, experts suggest open dialogue before gifting occasions. The OP could gently affirm his effort while redirecting future gifts to her wishlist, fostering mutual understanding. Acknowledging his intentions while standing firm on her preferences can bridge the gap, ensuring gifts reflect care rather than conflict.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of empathy and eye-rolling sass, like guests at a barbecue tossing shade over the grill. Here’s the unfiltered take from the crowd:

Ok_Examination3023 − NTA. How does he not know you and your values and preferences after 10 years?. Why doesn't he ask you what to get you if he clearly has no idea what you would appreciate?

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hjo1210 − My sister's husband is THE WORST gift giver, it's never what she wants because he 'forgot' what she told him she wanted, they're ALWAYS late - if he remembers to get her a gift at all - it's seriously bad. This year my sister said she had a bunch of stuff in 'save for later' on Amazon, he'd better get her a gift or she'd divorce him, so just pick something that's on the list.

My mom called to remind him to order my sister's present several days before her birthday and he did order it while he was on the phone with my mom, he didn't tell my mom what he ordered and she wasn't worried because 'who could s**ew this one up?'

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Apparently HE CAN. He ordered her a new shower head - awww that's sweet right? Nope.It was a shower head to replace the one in the kid's bathroom, not a nice one for their bathroom for her to use, literally one for the KID'S bathroom.

To say my sister was pissed is an understatement. Everyone else is saying 'he tried' and I'm over here screaming 'divorce his ass! He doesn't care about you! It's deliberate!' All of this to tell you, you deserve better, it's time for a come to Jesus talk.. Edit a word

Mean-Impress2103 − Nta these comments are crazy. It is not acceptable to give your so crappy gifts that they don't like for 10 years. You have a wishlist to make it incredibly easy for him and he can't even do that? He could give you something from your wishlist and then pick out something small on the side.. It's like ordering pizza and getting a ham sandwich instead.

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I don't understand why people think you need to tip toe and coddle your husband after 10 years of trying to facilitate his ability to give you gifts you actually like. You don't get to have any feelings about him apparently not knowing you at all after 10 years but he gets to have all the feelings about you communicating disappointment.

He can't be expected to order something from a wishlist but you are expected to find the perfect words to communicate that you don't like his gift. The double standard is staggering. You didn't yell, you didn't freak out, you didn't throw things. You just didn't hide your disappointment in his disappointing gift and asked him clearly to return it.

Pissedliberalgranny − My ex was like this. He wrapped gifts and put my name on the tag, but they were really for him. Sexy lingerie when I have always preferred to sleep in tshirts, jewelry when the only thing I wear is a wedding ring, f**king *kitchen appliances*,

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VHS tapes of movies in a genre I don’t enjoy but he does, and never *not once* a paperback from a list of more than 100 I wanted and didn’t have -none of which cost more than $10. This is deliberate and f**king infuriating. Maybe for *his* next gift you should buy him something you want for yourself.

Cybermagetx − NTA. It might just be cause im autistic but when my wife says hey let's pick this out together, we pick it out together. And how can you be with someone for 10 years and not know what they like?

Ravenkelly − NTA. Does he even like you a little bit?

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Every_Caterpillar945 − Just start regifting it to him on his birthday. Maybe he likes the night gown - perfect, he can wear it :)

CalypsoContinuum − NTA. It sounds like he's putting his needs ahead of yours when giving gifts, which means they're... idk, gifts for him, basically, and not for you. He's giving them because HE thinks you should want them, while ignoring what you actually want. You do not have to be grateful that it was expensive,  and you don't have to be grateful for something that's basically useless for you.

There's no genuine thought/effort behind it. He's not even doing the bare minimum. Bad enough that you need to make lists and tell him to buy from those lists after 10 years together- worse still that he won't even USE the lists and acts like he knows better- when he very clearly doesn't.

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InsanelySane33 − If it came from Amazon you can contact their customer service and return it for credit yourself if you really wanted to then get what you want/need

sassywimple − NTA. My boyfriend wanted to get me AirPods for my birthday because he thought I would appreciate an upgrade of my wired bud headphones. I told him that, honestly, the gift and the money would be wasted on me because I actually still like my wired headphones, and I wouldn’t truly appreciate the AirPods, especially for the cost.

If he had bought them for me without checking in first, I would’ve told him the same thing, and he would’ve returned them. Him getting me AirPods would’ve been thoughtful - he connected the dots that I still use wired headphones and maybe I would want to upgrade.

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But he would rather get me something I actually want and save $300 than have me spare his “pride” by fawning over how expensive and nice his gift was when I didn't really want it. That might have even been your husband’s thought process - maybe he thought you only wore t-shirts to bed because you could never justify buying some high-quality, expensive pjs for yourself.

That might even be why he was immediately defensive as he thought he finally got you a gift on his own that was thoughtful and you’d like! But afterwards, he should understand that this isn’t about his pride, it’s about what YOU would actually enjoy on your birthday!  Also, saving a bunch of money by returning a gift you wouldn't fully appreciate is a good thing.

Even though you’re NTA, I would broach the subject by acknowledging that his gift was very thoughtful and sweet, and that you recognize how he had gone outside the box to get you something indulgent and luxurious he thought you deserved! But then reiterate that you wear t-shirts to bed because you prefer to, and that you’d rather save his money by returning something you'd only wear once or twice.

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These Redditors rallied behind the OP, cheering her honesty while roasting her husband’s gift-giving fumble. Some saw his choice as clueless, others as almost deliberate. But do their spicy takes capture the full picture, or are they just fueling the fire?

This story reminds us that gifts are more than objects—they’re snapshots of how well we know each other. The OP’s request to return the nightgown wasn’t about rejecting her husband’s love but about craving a connection that reflects her true self. It’s a nudge for all of us to listen closer and give with intention. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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