AITA for asking my friend to give back a gift I gave her after she openly expressed that she would be getting rid of it?

Sometimes, even the best of friendships face testing moments that force us to reexamine the boundaries of gift-giving and gratitude. In one recent AITA post, a 27-year-old woman shares her dilemma after gifting her long-time friend Mary a set of beautiful, crystal champagne glasses found at an estate sale.

The idea was to offer a thoughtful, budget-friendly present that matched Mary’s high-end lifestyle. However, during Mary’s birthday brunch, it became painfully clear that not only did Mary dislike the gift, but she also made no effort to hide her disdain—whispering that she’d soon discard the glasses.

Feeling disrespected and hurt by her friend’s passive-aggressive reaction, the giver later asked Mary to return the glasses so she could put them to good use elsewhere. This request, although made in private, sparked a fierce debate about the etiquette of gift returns and whether a gift, once given, should remain the sole property of the recipient. Is it reasonable to reclaim a present when its value is openly dismissed? This situation raises questions about gratitude, ownership, and the unspoken rules of friendship.

‘AITA for asking my friend to give back a gift I gave her after she openly expressed that she would be getting rid of it?’

Navigating the intricacies of gift-giving can be surprisingly complex. Financial psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz advises that “the act of giving is as much about intent as it is about the gift itself,” underscoring that gifts are expressions of thoughtfulness and should ideally be appreciated even if they aren’t perfect fits.

In this scenario, the original giver’s intention was to offer something special and budget-friendly, chosen with care after a thoughtful visit to an estate sale. When Mary openly rejected the gift by saying she would soon get rid of it, it hurt not just the giver’s feelings but also her sense of being valued as a friend.

This instance goes beyond simple miscommunication—it touches on the expectations we set when we give. When someone discards a gift so publicly, it can feel like a disregard for the sentiment behind it. Dr. Klontz emphasizes that “acknowledging the effort behind a gift is crucial to maintaining mutual respect in relationships.” In light of this, the decision to ask for the gift back isn’t merely about the physical object; it is about preserving the dignity and respect that should underpin all friendship exchanges.

Moreover, experts point out that when a gift is returned, it opens up a conversation about underlying issues that may have been simmering for a while. The act of reclaiming the present can be seen as a protective measure—a way to prevent the loss of something that was given in good faith. While some might argue that a gift, once given, becomes entirely the recipient’s to enjoy or dispose of, it’s important to recognize that the emotional context matters.

The giver was left feeling dismissed and undervalued, prompting her request. Balancing these perspectives involves understanding that while gifts can be re-gifted or returned under some circumstances, doing so should be handled with clear communication and sensitivity to avoid further hurt.

Ultimately, the incident invites us to reflect on how we express appreciation and respect in our personal relationships. It reminds us that while the physical exchange of gifts is one part of a relationship, the underlying message of care and consideration is what truly matters. When that message is lost in translation, taking steps to address the hurt feelings is both valid and sometimes necessary to restore mutual respect.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit community largely sided with the giver. Many felt that once a gift is openly disdained and threatened to be discarded, it’s reasonable for the giver to request its return. Some redditors emphasized that a thoughtful gift should be respected, even if it isn’t perfectly to the recipient’s taste, and that dismissing it publicly shows a lack of gratitude.

Others pointed out that reclaiming the gift isn’t about controlling what someone does with it, but about holding them accountable for their lack of appreciation. Overall, the sentiment was that the giver’s actions, though unconventional, were understandable given the context.

At the end of the day, gift-giving is supposed to be an act of kindness—a symbol of thoughtfulness and affection. When those gestures are met with disdain, it can feel like a personal rejection. In this case, the giver’s decision to ask for her gift back was a stand against ingratitude and a plea for respect in a valued friendship.

What do you think? Should a gift remain irrevocably the recipient’s even if it’s openly disdained, or is it acceptable to reclaim it when its value is dismissed? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Let’s explore together where the line should be drawn between generosity and entitlement.