AITA for asking my brother if he was gay?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a bustling diner filled with the clink of plates and chatter, a simple sibling lunch turned into an emotional landmine. A 20-year-old big brother, sharing fries and laughs with his 15-year-old sibling, noticed the teen’s eyes glued to their waiter—staring, stumbling over words, a blush creeping up. Curiosity nudged him to ask, “Are you gay?” hoping to open a supportive door. But the question landed like a dropped tray, leaving his brother silent then, and sobbing later.

The teen’s tearful call, questioning if he “vibes” gay, revealed a heart wrestling with identity and perception. What started as a casual catch-up became a lesson in timing and tact. This Reddit tale pulls us into a raw moment between brothers, where love meets a clumsy misstep. Can a well-meaning question cross a line, or was it just a bump in their bond?

‘AITA for asking my brother if he was gay?’

I (20M) took my brother (15M) out to eat yesterday. I try to do this at least once or twice a month since I don't live at home anymore. The problem is when we were at the restaurant my brother couldn't keep his eyes off of the waiter and kept stuttering when he tried to place his order.

I noticed him looking at the waiter wherever he went and was even full on staring at him when he was at another table. The first time I caught him I didn't say anything until about the third time. I decided to ask him if he was gay because I always suspected it and the way he was looking at the waiter just made me even more suspicious.

However, when I asked him that he just kinda paused and told me that he wasn't. He then asked me if he was gay would I have a problem with it and I told him that I wouldn't. After that, we just kinda dropped it and carried on as usual. I kinda forgot about the situation until he called me earlier today crying.

He called me crying and asked why I thought he was gay and If he gives off a gay vibe. I was essentially caught off guard by this and tried to calm him down and explain to him that he didn't give off that vibe and I was just wondering hoping that would come him down.

After a while, he stopped crying and calmed down but kept repeating to make sure that I understood that he wasn't gay and didn't like boys. I apologized to him and told him that it wasn't my intention to offend him and I told him that I understand that he's straight.

I told him that I'll love him either way so wouldn't matter anyway. After that we kinda hung up and after our conversation I felt bad for making him cry. He didn't show that he had a problem with it until today so it must've bothered him at the restaurant too. Was it wrong of me to ask?

A brother’s curious question can stir a storm in a teen’s heart, especially when it’s about something as personal as sexuality. The 20-year-old’s blunt ask, prompted by his brother’s waiter-watching, wasn’t meant to hurt but hit a nerve, leaving the 15-year-old grappling with fear of being “seen.” The teen’s tears suggest he’s navigating identity under society’s microscope, where even a loving sibling’s words can feel like a spotlight.

Teen identity is a tightrope. A 2023 Trevor Project study found 60% of LGBTQ+ youth face pressure to conform to societal norms, often causing emotional distress. Dr. Ritch Savin-Williams, a psychologist specializing in youth sexuality, says, “Teens need space to explore identity without being pushed to label themselves”. The brother’s apology was a good start, but subtle allyship—like casually showing support for queer issues—can build trust.

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To move forward, he should let his brother set the pace, offering love without probing. Mentioning a queer-friendly show or friend’s story, as Reddit suggested, could signal safety without pressure.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s crew rolled up with a mix of empathy and tough love, dishing out advice like a diner serving pie. From queer Redditors sharing their own teen struggles to calls for tact, the comments are a heartfelt buffet. Grab a seat for their spicy takes:

Big_Zucchini_9800 - NAH. You maybe didn't handle it with finesse, but your heart was in the right place and you wanted to be supportive. If he is straight some day you'll laugh about this. I'll be honest though: that kid is queer as hell.

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Most of my queer friends in high school went through a phase of trying to be extra straight and it often ended in crying fits. I think in that moment he might have been terrified that you could somehow read his mind about the waiter and it freaked him the f**k out

and now he's worried everyone else suspects it too, when he doesn't yet understand or accept it himself. When you have that secret (I had it too) it is TERRIFYING that someone might figure it out before you, and what they might think of you then.

You've told him you'd support him either way, now you need to back off and make a nice comfy landing pad for him. Don't pressure him, don't bring it up, casually mention once a month MAX something that relates to something queer in a way that makes it clear you still support it.

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Maybe make up a gay friend with a boyfriend you're excited to meet for brunch or something, or watch the gay Hallmark Christmas movies, but DON'T relate any of it to him in ANY way. Just be a quiet safe space for him.

EDIT: since the phrasing was ambiguous I was not trying to say 'come up with something to mention monthly' I am saying 'don't mention gay stuff more than once a month because he'll be sensitive now, but walk the walk with your support'

I shouldn't have said 'make up a gay friend' but the rest of that sentence starts with 'maybe' and is about mentioning going for brunch and being excited to meet a pal's bf, not about just mentioning a gay friend.

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It's about how normal and offhand it is to meet a friend's new partner and casually having that partner be gay. Still shouldn't have said 'make up' but you know your brother best. I am queer so gay s**t comes up in conversation with me A LOT.

There is a difference between saying 'I am an ally' and genuinely seeing gay people as the same as straight people. If someone is a fake poster for allyship they go to pride and wear a pin and that's it, they can opt in or out of it in their life.

If you see us all as the same, then you watch Our Flag Means Death and Good Omens and you have gay friends and it's normal to mention them, so I am saying DON'T bring up anything even tangentially gay too often or he'll freak out.

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Just walk the walk and be a safe space to land. Do: be watching something gay on tv with another family member while your brother is out of the house, Don't: ask your brother if he wants to watch Our Flag Means Death while staring into his soul.

ctheos - NAH. Whats important is that youre supportive of him regardless. Obviously you could have been more tactful when you asked him lmao but whats done is done.

Whether hes gay or not, society puts a lot of pressure on people to act a certain way. I think reaffirming that you love him and that he should just be his authentic self regardless of his sexuality is important.

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He might be crying because someone in his life, the media hes consuming, etc is making him feel bad about his personality, mannerisms, sexuality, etc. Just to reiterate, I think the best thing you could do as his brother is remind him that youll always be there for him regardless.

ALSO to clarify: I dont think you made your brother cry. Your brother cried because for some reason, the thought of being percieved as gay terrifies him. My educated guess is that he feels imensely pressured to be seen as straight, which is concerning. I dont think youre in the wrong, and I dont think you made him cry.

shontsu - There's a reason its called 'coming out of the closet' and not 'getting dragged out of the closet'.. I don't think you had harmful intent, but this was not the right way to address it.

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jippyzippylippy - NTA. You didn't have any negative intent with your question. He's just not ready to admit it, perhaps even to himself. That's a tricky age.. BTW, he is probably gay or bi. Let him bring that news to you next time.

Higher_Ed_Parent - If he's gay, he needs to come out on his own terms, on his own timeline. Clearly it's a delicate topic for him. Though you seem to have the best intentions, please don't force the issue. Try this instead...find (subtle) ways to show him you're an ally of LGBTQIA+ people. That way, wherever his journey takes him, he'll know you love and support him.

IllustriousBad577 - YTA certainly if you just said that out of nowhere. Like, you didn’t start off with asking him why he’s looking at the waiter or something? Just “[silence] …….so you gay?” I’d be pretty caught off guard if I were him too. Kind of jumping to conclusions a bit.

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petit_macaron_chat - YTA, out of nowhere in public is a wild way to ask such a personal question.

Toasted_Barracuda - YTA but you didn’t mean to be one. Asking someone if they’re gay in a public space even in a progressive country is a bad idea, puts them on the spot and makes them deal with a lot of internalized fear

and shame for what was meant to be just a lunchtime hangout. You meant no harm I get it, but being gay involves working through a lot of external stigma and you put your little brother on the spot.

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Ok_Sleep8579 - YTA. If he's gay he'll tell you when he's ready.

Organic-Date-1718 - Why is everyone jumping to he’s gay. At that age they can be awkward, especially if you’re “infatuated” with someone or think they are “cool”. I can’t tell you how many girls I would stare at because I was envious of how beautiful they were or confident they were. Your heart was in the right place, but let it be.

He’s probably still figuring out who he is. I had so much anxiety as a teen because other teens seemed so sure of themselves and knew who they were. I figured out later in life, there’s NO rush for putting a label on yourself. However, at the time it always sucked feeling like a “late bloomer” in life.

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These Reddit nuggets are as real as a late-night diner chat, but do they nail the brother’s misstep? Or are they too quick to label the teen’s truth?

This diner dust-up shows how a single question can ripple through a sibling bond, stirring love, fear, and regret. The big brother’s heart was in the right place, but his timing veered off course, leaving his teen sibling to wrestle with unspoken worries. Their talk patched things up, but the lesson lingers: support means waiting for the right moment. Was he wrong to ask, or just clumsy with care? Share your thoughts—have you ever misstepped with a loved one’s personal truth? How would you rebuild that trust?

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