AITA by refusing to allow my gf to open our relationship?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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When love is tested by clashing desires, the fallout can be brutal. J, a man scarred by past betrayals, faced a crisis when his girlfriend K, with her own history of cheating, pushed to open their monogamous relationship, claiming polyamory after catching feelings for a friend. Despite reluctantly agreeing to strict rules, J’s discomfort grew as K pressed for more, leading to a fiery argument where he vetoed the arrangement and ended the relationship. Now, with K calling him an asshole and silence between them, J questions his stand.

This Reddit tale dives into the raw struggle of trust, boundaries, and incompatible love styles. It’s a story of standing up for personal values against pressure and manipulation. Was J wrong to close the door on polyamory, or was K’s push a betrayal too far? Let’s unpack this relationship wreckage and find the truth.

‘AITA by refusing to allow my gf to open our relationship?’

I, J, have been with my gf, K, for a few years now. When we first got together she and I had come from bad relationships. She had a history of cheating where I had a history of being cheated on. We were very open with each other, even about things we knew the other would hate such as her history of cheating,

which she previously explained as “a way to deal with the feeling of being sidelined by my boyfriends”. K ended up telling me she was developing feelings for a close friend of hers, D, and I told her that was fine (as I believe it’s normal to develop a crush on people from time to time) as long as nothing happened between them and she agreed.

After this she felt distant for a few days so I asked her if everything was ok, to which she told me she felt like her feelings were more serious than a crush. I ended up getting a bit distant from her, but I still tried to be accepting of her feelings whilst making it clear I did NOT want anything happening between the two of them.

One night she asks if we can talk and she tells me she thinks she might be Polyamorous, further explaining that she thinks this might be one of the reasons she had a previous history of cheating. While I have nothing personal against the poly community, and explained this to her, I told her I did not want to participate in a Polyamorous relationship.

She told me I was being closed minded and told me how I “might enjoy it too”, despite knowing I am very much monogamous. I put my foot down and said “No. we got together in a monogamous relationship and I have opened up to you about how I have been cheated on and how much it hurts.

I do not want to open up our relationship and I expect you to understand and respect that”. I don’t remember much of the argument, only bits and pieces of it. She essentially argued that “why should our relationship be monogamous to suit you when it can’t be polygamous to suit me?” And told me I was being selfish.

In the end I caved, and allowed us to open up as long as the following rules were abided by:. 1. Tell the other person everything. 2. Nothing past second base. 3. The other person has a veto power She quickly agreed and told me I was a great boyfriend, then spent the next day with him.

When she got home, she asked me if the second rule could be changed, as he wanted to go further. I said absolutely not and that I was getting less and less comfortable with him. We had a fight again, to which I turned around and chose to use my veto power to close our relationship again.

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She called me an a**hole and asked “why do you think you have the right to do that?”. I told her that our relationship, and the potential to open it, was based on trust and this what Le situation felt off and I didn’t appreciate not only being pressured into agreeing to open our relationship but then insulted when I refused to let you do something I wasn’t comfortable with.

The fight continued for a little bit, I’ll admit we both said things we shouldn’t of, until I said “if being in a Polyamorous relationship is more important to you than our relationship then maybe you should leave” and now we haven’t spoken since it.. I understand I was highly emotional during it, and shouldn’t have said it. So I wanted to ask: AITA?

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Edit: I’ve sent her one last message before I blocked her, telling her it’s over and not to bother trying to contact me. She’s tried to, despite that, but I’m not going to give her the time of day.

Navigating relationship boundaries is tough, and J’s refusal to fully embrace K’s polyamory push highlights a clash of core values. His history of being cheated on and K’s past infidelity set a fragile stage, making her request to open the relationship a high-stakes demand. Dr. Tammy Nelson, a relationship therapist, notes, “Opening a monogamous relationship requires mutual consent and trust, not coercion”. K’s claim of polyamory as an explanation for past cheating, paired with her quick rule-breaking, suggests manipulation rather than genuine exploration.

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J’s initial compromise—agreeing to an open relationship with rules—shows effort, but K’s push to change boundaries and her insults when vetoed eroded trust. A 2023 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 70% of open relationship agreements fail when one partner feels pressured. J’s veto and breakup reflect self-preservation, though his ultimatum in the heat of the moment may have escalated the conflict.

Dr. Nelson advises “clear, non-negotiable boundaries in monogamy discussions.” J could have ended the open experiment sooner, citing discomfort, but his final message to end contact was a firm step toward healing.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit users didn’t hold back, slamming K’s tactics and cheering J’s exit with fierce support. Here’s what they had to say:

1indaT − NTA. And please, say goodbye to this relationship.

klebanonnn − NTA. Btw, she broke rule 2 on date number one, which means she broke rule 1 also. That's pretty damn obvious from my perspective. Edit: she broke rule number 3 by saying you had no right to do that.

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She literally went on one date and broke all the established rules. She doesn’t have a history of cheating because she was unknowingly polyamorous. She has a history of cheating because she’s an Uber a**hole.

[Reddit User] − Bro, why would you even date someone that repeatedly cheated when you hated being cheated on?. Are you that meme where the dog is surrounded by fire and says 'this is fine'.

professorfunkenpunk − NTA. You aren’t obligated to be in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable, and an open relationship is a very big ask

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Street_Math3177 − Shes asking you to your face if it’s okay for her to openly cheat on you even when you said multiple times you’re monogamous. Then gaslights and manipulates you into thinking you are the issue for not allowing her to be happy.

Bro, pick up your self respect on the floor and leave this relationship. Why would you get with her knowing she has a serious issue with cheating? She already emotionally cheated on you, now physically too. Why are you choosing to be miserable???

AquaticStoner1996 − There's something extremely gross about someone who pushes polyamory on someone who clearly doesn't want it just so you can bang someone else. Also, I would have been upset from the moment she told me she was developing feelings for a friend, outside of our relationship. That is not actually normal or okay.

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Sus_no_cap − So on top of being a cheater she’s a sh!t manipulator. What an awful person she is. But the good news : she’s that other dude’s problem now. Don’t waste another second on that.

CarpeCyprinidae − NTA. She's shown you her morals. Now find a girl whose morals match yours

Flashy-Departure3136 − Her exes were probably reasonable and she’s not polyamorous. She’s just justifying cheating. Dump her. She sucks.

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[Reddit User] − NTA... oh, and your relationship is over.

From calling out K’s rule-breaking to urging J to move on, Reddit’s takes are as sharp as the breakup’s sting. Some see J as a hero for self-respect, others question his initial choice of partner. Do these comments nail the dynamics of trust and betrayal, or do they miss the emotional complexity?

This story of a monogamous man pushed toward polyamory reveals the pain of clashing values and broken trust. J’s refusal to bend beyond his comfort zone, ending with a breakup after K’s pressure and rule-breaking, sparks debate about respect versus selfishness. Was he right to shut it down, or could he have handled it differently? Share your thoughts—what would you do if a partner demanded an open relationship against your wishes? How do you rebuild trust when history repeats itself?

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