AITA because I want my parents to see me as separate from my sister?

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In a crowded high school hallway, an 18-year-old dodges yet another question about being her sister’s twin, a label her parents reinforce at home. Eleven months apart but worlds apart in spirit, she’s tired of being her sister’s shadow while her parents play favorites.

This Reddit story dives into the sting of sibling comparisons and the fight for individuality. Ever felt lumped in with someone else by family? Join us as we unpack a teen’s quest to break free from her parents’ twin-like treatment.

‘AITA because I want my parents to see me as separate from my sister?’

My sister and I are eleven months apart. Despite there not being much of an age difference, we’re not very close. We are in the same school year, and I hardly ever get a break from her. She skipped a year of school when she was younger, which is quite rare where I live, and my parents were happy about it, because it meant she was intelligent and it was easier because we were in the same school year.

But I do not like it at all. Mostly because it means everyone thinks we’re twins. We look similar enough, and with the same last name, I would get asked all the time if I’m her twin. And worst of all, my parents act like we’re twins as well a lot of the time, and I’m getting tired of it. I don’t like her that much. And I know that’s bad, because she’s my sister, and I should love her, but I just don’t.

To my parents, she’s their perfect child. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and plays the sport that my father used to, so both my parents think she’s amazing. Compared to her, I am absolutely nothing. I don’t have any talents, I’m not that pretty, and I get average results in school. Maybe some parents would be fine with that, but mine aren’t really.

I met someone I liked, and when I talked to my mother about it, she said I can’t be dating anyone because it wouldn’t be fair on my sister. I said that I’m older than her, she said when I was eighteen, I could date, and now she’s changing her mind, just because of my sister. She said I was being silly, and it was up to her to decide if I was emotionally mature enough for it, and that clearly I wasn’t.

Then a couple of months later, my sister got a boyfriend. And she didn’t even try to act like she was being sensible. She’d come home after drinking, and my parents weren’t even concerned, she’d stay out late, all the things like that. They did break up eventually, and it was messy, as I expected.

And then suddenly I was the one who had to deal with her, she clung onto me for months, kept sleeping in my bed, crying all the time, it was tiring. They’re constantly acting like I’m equal to her to disadvantage me, but then they let her do whatever she wants. Maybe I’m not that much older than her, but they keep saying I’m too young for things, but then let her have the same thing.

It took me years to even be allowed to wear makeup, and as soon as my sister asked, she got to. It was the same with clothes, what they considered appropriate. Anything like that. I’m sick of her being used as a reason for everything, and being tied to her constantly, and my parents don’t seem to get that. 

Family should lift you up, but for this 18-year-old, it’s a constant comparison game. Her parents’ habit of treating her and her younger sister—11 months apart—as twins erases her individuality, especially since her sister shines as the “golden child.” Rules bend for her sister’s dating or makeup, but the older daughter faces restrictions, like being told she can’t date to keep things “fair.”

This dynamic screams favoritism and poor boundaries. By prioritizing the sister’s achievements and freedom, her parents diminish her sense of self, fostering resentment. Dr. Susan Forward, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Parental favoritism can erode a child’s self-worth, creating lasting identity struggles” (Psychology Today). A 2024 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found 68% of siblings in favored-child dynamics report lower self-esteem (APA).

The issue echoes past conversations, like when you turned to your grandparents for support after your mom overstepped your privacy, seeking a space to be yourself. Reddit’s push to “just do you” is bold but tricky—rebelling without a plan risks escalation. Her parents’ dismissal of her feelings, like calling her “silly,” mirrors their refusal to see her as distinct.

What’s the way forward? A calm, firm talk—“I’m not her twin; I need to be treated as me”—could set the stage. If they brush it off, small acts of independence, like dating or exploring hobbies, build her confidence. Long-term, moving out, perhaps to college, as Reddit suggests, offers freedom. Therapy could help her process resentment and define her identity.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit came through with a mix of tough love and empathy, dishing out advice like a big sibling rally. Here’s what they had to say about this family tangle.

CakeEatingRabbit − You are 18. It is time to stop asking for permission regarding things like dating... Do you have a plan to leave? The only way out of this is moving out and becomming an adult.. NTA

itsmejessicat − Can I ask... do you actually dislike your sister because of who she is? Or, because of how you get treated by your parents because of who she is?

1nfam0us − You need to stop caring what your parents think. If you don't, this will continue to happen. They will continue to shut you down for silly reasons. They can continue to think that you are her twin or that you doing things is unfair to your sister.. And then you should just do what you want. Stop asking permission. You are an adult.

Go live your life in a way that makes you happy. Force them to either be happy for you or go f**k themselves rather than giving them the opportunity to tell you no. It really sucks not having their support right off the bat, but you can't make your happiness dependent on that. I am 30 years old and still live with my mom because of economic and educational circumstances.

I am also an only child, so I don't have a sibling to be compared to. I learned a long time ago that if I ask my mom for permission or support with something and it requires any expenditure of time, effort, money, or space, she will simply refuse. I have wanted an office space to do school work and now my job, but she is just fully unwilling and would rather maintain two guest bedrooms for guests we have maybe once every three years.

I was in my 10x10 childhood bedroom until I was 27 despite her having a home office in the basement that had been defunct for years. I wanted to get into fencing as a kid and found a $100 starter gear set. She told me she needed me to prove that I was committed first; I was 11.

However, I have noticed that if I just do something and it makes me happy, then she will be supportive because all she has to do is be happy for me. It makes the support feel h**low, and I resent her a little because of it, but that's just how it is.

buginarugsnug − It's a rubbish situation for you, but it's quite common for parents to be stricter with their eldest child than they are with younger ones, they're learning too. My sister is five years younger than me and she was allowed things I wasn't when I was her age such as dyeing hair (my mum told me I had to wait till 18, my sister was allowed at 16) and it was a similar situation with ear piercing and holidays with friends.

I don't know your full situation but some of the things you describe it seems like it is a case of you just being the eldest and your parents don't really know what boundaries and rules they should be setting as you move into adulthood. Your sister is nearly a year behind you and so they've had more time to think about what rules they set with you and have changed their minds. It sucks, it really does.

krustibat − It might seem confrontanional but you should rebel a bit and allow yourself to do the same things your sister can do

__echo_ − There is only one way out of this (as your parents refuse to be rational about your feelings). Just do what you think is correct or do what you want to do (provided it is not illegal). They will have to come round or accept your growing individuality. Individuality is not gifted , it is a hard earned process , whether that battle is with yourself or with your surrounding.

To be frank, your parents will never accept that they treat you differently (unless circumstances force them to); Most parents believe that they treat their children equitibly and when you try to argue with them about it they just dismiss you as a child. It is very difficult for a lot of parents to accept they are lacking in something.

You are 18, your life is starting, go out , have fun , try out different sports, hobbies etc. You really don't need to ask their permission to date anyone or to try out things you like. Just be respectful and learn to put your side of the argument decently without losing your calm.

Lilly08 − Google individuation. It sounds like you're not being allowed to do that, and it's pretty essential to be able to do so. Sorry you're going through that, OP. :(

94mac819 − You are waiting for your parents to realize they were wrong and make it right by you. But you need to understand that the probably won’t, and if they do, it will be after you make a stand and take action against them. You don’t necessarily need to move out, though if you can go to university housing that would be very good for you, but you need to assert your independence and control of your own life.

Stop asking your parents for their opinions. If they try to tell you something that you don’t agree with, or that you find too controlling, say “thank you for sharing your opinions with me, I will consider that” and then MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION ANYWAY. It sucks having a golden child sibling.

It sucks that throughout childhood you had to deal with your parents denying you freedoms and then just giving them to her. But you cannot change what was, you can only change what will be. And if you wait around hoping that they will wake up some day having had an epiphany about how much they sucked, you are going to miss out on a lot of experience that you can have if you choose to move on and live life regardless of your parents.

mooseychew − Speaking as a twin- your parents aren’t treating you like her twin. They are treating you like her shadow. You are your own person with your own strengths and your own life. Go live it, preferably with lots of space between you and your family.. I see you. You’re worth it, exactly as you are.

LeoSolaris − You're 18 now, which means you're an adult. Time to start learning how to get away from your parents to become your own person. Set yourself up so you don't ever have to move back to your parents. When you get to college (or into your own apartment) and have some independence, try not to derail yourself with your inevitable rebellion.

Talk about a thread with more heart than a family reunion! These Redditors are cheering for independence, but can their tips help this teen stand out? One thing’s clear: she’s ready to step out of the shadows!

From schoolyard twin confusion to homebound favoritism, this teen’s story shows the toll of being tied to a sibling’s star. Her fight to be seen as herself is a call to claim your own path. Ever struggled to stand out in your family? Drop your tales below—what’s your move when you’re cast as someone’s double?

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