AITAH for refusing to speak to my mom after 35 yrs of NC now that she is old.

When decades of abuse and betrayal lead to a complete breakdown in a mother–daughter relationship, maintaining no contact can be a deeply personal and necessary decision. In this story, a 56‑year‑old woman explains why she has stayed completely NC (no contact) with her mother for 35 years—even as her mother ages and faces health issues.

The reasons run deep: from a tumultuous childhood marked by her mother’s multiple marriages, parentification, and even the horrifying experience of being s**ually abused while her mother dismissed it, to discovering long-held family lies through a DNA test only at 50. Now, with her estranged mother’s oldest daughter demanding financial help for her care and her siblings pressuring her to reintegrate, she remains firm in her boundaries. But is she the a**hole for refusing to speak with her mother after all these years?

‘AITAH for refusing to speak to my mom after 35 yrs of NC now that she is old.’

Experts in family dynamics emphasize that setting and maintaining strong boundaries is essential—especially when past abuse and betrayal run deep. Dr. John Gottman, a recognized relationship expert, notes that when a parent repeatedly violates a child’s emotional safety over decades, it is not only reasonable but necessary to maintain no contact as a form of self-preservation.

In this case, the estranged daughter’s decision to cut off all communication for 35 years is viewed by many professionals as a healthy coping mechanism. Her mother’s history of multiple marriages, parentification, and even dismissive reactions during instances of sexual abuse created wounds that have not healed over time.

Instead of forcing reconciliation that might re-open these deep-seated traumas, experts advise that preserving one’s mental health must come first. While some argue that family should always be prioritized, the prevailing view among trauma specialists is that if past interactions have been overwhelmingly harmful, maintaining silence is a justified and necessary boundary to protect oneself from further emotional harm.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Many commenters on Reddit have expressed strong support for maintaining strict boundaries after enduring prolonged abuse. One commenter noted, “After 35 years of cutting ties, anyone expecting you to suddenly reconcile is out of touch with the harm done.” Others agreed that if the abuse was as severe as described, protecting yourself is paramount—even if family members or the aging offender try to guilt you into reconnecting.

Ultimately, this story forces us to confront a painful reality: sometimes, no contact is the only way to safeguard your mental and emotional health after severe trauma. Is it wrong to continue refusing contact with a parent who has inflicted such deep, lasting pain—even now that she is old?

Or should family ties, however broken, be mended under pressure? We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences. Have you or someone you know maintained strict boundaries after abuse, and what were the consequences? Your insights might help others facing similar dilemmas.