My wife has applied to be a surrogate without my knowledge.

Imagine waking up to find out that the person you thought you were building a future with has taken a major, life‐altering decision—one that affects your entire family—without discussing it with you. In this case, a 35‑year‑old man explains that his 31‑year‑old wife surprised him by revealing that she applied for and was approved to be a surrogate.

With two kids already in the family and plans for a third always in the mix, her decision to help another family as a surrogate has left him reeling. While she sees it as a selfless act of generosity, he is deeply concerned about the impact on her health, their relationship, and the well‑being of their existing children. Amid feelings of agitation and betrayal, he now wonders if his reaction makes him an a**hole.

‘My wife has applied to be a surrogate without my knowledge.’

Experts in the field of marriage and reproductive medicine emphasize that the decision to become a surrogate mother is not only a personal choice for the woman but also has a profound impact on the whole family. According to Dr. Amanda Reynolds, a reproductive ethics expert, “Being a surrogate mother involves many physical, emotional and financial factors.

When such a major decision is made without the consent of the spouse, it can create serious cracks in the relationship, causing internal tension and conflict.” Marriage counselor Mark Davidson also affirmed, “Consensus and open discussion among family members are the foundation to ensure the decision is made in a sustainable way.

The decision to become a surrogate mother will affect the health, time and future plans of both spouses, so discussion and agreement are necessary.” These opinions show that although the act of helping others through surrogacy can be seen as altruistic, if the decision is made unilaterally without consensus from both parties, it can lead to negative consequences for family relationships as well as affect the future of both parties.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit community has largely supported the husband’s perspective. Many users argue that surrogacy, especially for someone already committed to raising her own children, requires the full consent of both partners. Comments like “official surrogacy protocols require spousal approval” and “this isn’t just about her body—your whole family is affected” underline the consensus that the decision should have been a joint one.

Some even question whether the wife’s motivations might be clouded by personal factors, while others stress that any decision affecting the family should be made together, not unilaterally. The prevailing sentiment is that while the act of surrogacy might be seen as noble, it must be balanced with the responsibilities and emotional well-being of the entire family.

Ultimately, the dilemma isn’t about dismissing the selflessness of surrogacy—it’s about the importance of shared decisions in a partnership. When a decision with far-reaching consequences is made without consultation, it can undermine trust and leave one partner feeling sidelined. His choice to stand by his concerns isn’t about controlling his wife’s good intentions; it’s about safeguarding the well‑being of the entire family.

So, AITA? Or is it entirely reasonable to expect that major decisions be made together? Share your thoughts and experiences—your insights might help others facing similarly difficult crossroads in their relationships.