AITA for not letting my children’s father live with us?

Family matters can be some of the hardest to navigate, especially when past wounds resurface during life’s most challenging moments. In this post, a 25-year-old woman recounts her decision to refuse letting her ex-husband, the father of her three adult children, live with her family. After a bitter divorce marked by his callous remark about her age and his relentless attempts to take everything from her, she severed contact and has maintained a strictly businesslike relationship through lawyers.

When her children, now all adults, approached her about accommodating their father during his advanced-stage cancer, she was immediately opposed. For her, her ex-husband’s past abuse and neglect, combined with his current inability to care for himself, made the idea of welcoming him into her home unthinkable. Her decision to say “no” has sparked heated debate within her family.

While her children argue that his relatives wouldn’t help and that the house might be his only option, she insists that taking him in would be a betrayal of her own healing process and a continuation of the toxic legacy she endured. This story raises tough questions about familial obligation, personal boundaries, and whether past grievances should dictate present decisions.

‘AITA for not letting my children’s father live with us?’

Family therapists emphasize that clear boundaries are essential when dealing with unresolved emotional wounds. Dr. Karen Finn, a relationship counselor, states, “When a person has been deeply hurt by a partner, it’s vital to prioritize personal healing and set firm limits on future involvement.” In this case, the OP’s decision to refuse to let her ex-husband live with her is not just an act of self-preservation, but also a necessary step to protect her own emotional well-being and that of her children, who have long suffered from his neglect and harmful behavior.

Dr. Finn further notes, “Even if accommodating a struggling ex might seem compassionate on the surface, the long-term emotional costs can be significant. Reopening old wounds can destabilize an already fragile healing process and reintroduce toxic dynamics that the family has worked hard to overcome.” She explains that maintaining strict boundaries allows individuals to heal and prevents the resurgence of negative patterns from the past.

Dr. Finn advises that in situations where a parent’s previous behavior has caused deep-seated hurt, professional mediation or family therapy can be invaluable for helping everyone involved understand and respect each other’s limits. Moreover, she stresses that sometimes difficult decisions must be made to ensure long-term stability.

“Choosing not to allow someone back into your home, especially when that person has a history of abandonment and emotional neglect, is not an act of cruelty—it is an investment in your future well-being,” Dr. Finn adds. This perspective reinforces that the OP’s refusal is a measured, necessary step in establishing a healthy, secure environment for her and her children, allowing them to move forward without the burden of past traumas.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit community largely supported the OP’s stance. Many commenters argued that her ex-husband’s behavior over the years, including his cruel remarks and attempts to exploit her vulnerabilities, justified her decision. Numerous users emphasized that, as adults, her children should take responsibility for arranging care for their father if they truly want to help him, rather than relying on her to shoulder that burden.

Others noted that given his toxic past, her refusal to let him live with her was a necessary act of self-preservation. Overall, the consensus was that while it might seem uncharitable on the surface, the OP’s decision to maintain her boundaries is entirely reasonable given the history of abuse and neglect.

In conclusion, this story highlights the complexities of balancing familial obligation with personal healing. The OP’s decision to refuse shelter for her ex-husband, despite her children’s pleas, reflects a deep commitment to protecting herself from further emotional harm. Should past traumas dictate our present decisions, or can there be room for forgiveness and reconciliation even in the final days of a troubled life?

How do you balance the need to care for family with the need to protect your own well-being? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate similarly challenging family dynamics.