AITA for not paying for my daughter’s acne scar removal surgery?

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In a Canadian home where financial support and family expectations collide, a 48-year-old mother faces a tough choice after paying off her daughter’s $24,000 university debt. Her 22-year-old daughter, now working at a bank and living rent-free, demands the remaining savings for a $4,000–$6,000 acne scar removal surgery to boost her confidence and career. The mother, believing her daughter should save for it herself, stands firm, sparking a heated dispute over entitlement and responsibility.

The conflict escalates until a deal is struck: the mother agrees to cover the surgery but withdraws other financial perks, pushing her daughter toward independence. This story dives into the messy interplay of parental support, personal ambition, and the emotional weight of self-esteem, offering a glimpse into a family navigating the delicate balance of love and tough lessons.

‘AITA for not paying for my daughter’s acne scar removal surgery?’

I(48F) promised to pay off daughter’s(22F) uni degree. It’s not in RESP(education fund) but just in a TSFA(tax free account) under my name, I have 30k saved for that. So she graduates with 24K in debt I and pay it and now she wants me to pay for her acne scar removal which will be 4-6K. She has deep icepick and boxcar scars

and feels self conscious about them and wants them removed so she can advance in her career(she did business and works at a bank). I think since she has a job paying 20/hour and still lives at home she should be saving for it herself so I told her to save it up. She says because I have some money left over after paying her tuition she is entitled to all of it.

Edit: She makes 2.5K after taxes and lives at home. IMO she can save up the amount needed in 2 months if she tried. So everyone is asking the same things so here you go: We live in Canada so everything to die with acne is free no I didn’t n**lect her acne she has a Dermatologist, reason she has scars is because she picked at them, she was a tomboy and didn’t care about her face then. Now she obviously regrets it.

Edit: So talked with daughter and I will pay for her acne scar treatment. But I will no longer be paying for her car insurance, car payments, gas, cell phone and she will have to move out in 3 months etc and if she moves back she will need to pay rent($400/month). She agreed (because she thinks I will cave) but I have it in writing so we will see if I’m back on AITA asking if I’m an ahole again lol.

Navigating financial support for adult children is a tightrope walk, and this mother’s clash with her daughter highlights the challenge. Paying off $24,000 in university debt was a significant gift, yet the daughter’s demand for additional funds for acne scar surgery—framed as entitlement—strains their relationship. The mother’s insistence that her daughter, earning $2,500 monthly and living rent-free, save for the $4,000–$6,000 procedure reflects a push for financial responsibility.

The daughter’s deep icepick and boxcar scars, linked to her past acne-picking, carry emotional weight, impacting her confidence in a client-facing bank job. Her belief that the leftover savings are hers suggests a misunderstanding of boundaries, possibly fueled by years of parental support. The mother’s new deal—funding the surgery but cutting car and phone payments—forces a shift toward independence, though her dismissive tone risks alienating her daughter.

Financial psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz, in a 2023 Forbes article, states, “Clear financial boundaries prevent resentment; parents should support growth, not dependency.” This applies here: the mother’s initial refusal was reasonable, but her transactional approach may deepen the rift. A 2022 Statistics Canada report notes 35% of young adults live with parents to save money, amplifying tensions when expectations differ.

Open dialogue could clarify both sides’ needs, with the mother validating her daughter’s insecurities while reinforcing independence. Counseling might help them navigate emotional and financial expectations.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community largely supported the mother, arguing her daughter’s $2,500 monthly income and rent-free living make saving for the surgery feasible. They criticized the daughter’s sense of entitlement to the mother’s savings, emphasizing that paying off $24,000 in debt was already generous.

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Some commenters sympathized with the daughter’s self-esteem struggles but felt her demand was unreasonable. Others criticized the mother’s harsh tone and transactional deal, suggesting it could harm their relationship, though they agreed she wasn’t obligated to fund the surgery.

Massive-Emergency-42 - NTA. She graduated debt free, lives at home, and makes 20/hr. She absolutely can save that up in about two months. She doesn’t know how good she has it. Also - that money is not hers. You agreed to pay off her tuition. You saved up a bit more than needed. The excess belongs to you.

hurling-day - NTA. At first I thought you should pay for it. Then she said she was entitled to it. It would be a nice thing to do for her, but she is not entitled to it. Edit: just read your edit. Hahahaha she is screwed. She is playing the game and will lose big time. It will be a very hard lesson for her. Much harder than saving the money herself.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. You just saved her from nearly 30k of debt. Plus, she’s living with you and the way you stated it makes me think you’re not even charging her rent and stuff. She should act like a grown up and save some money while she’s living with you.

Lesley82 - NTA. Just because it's an emotionally charged subject, does not make her 'entitled' to your savings account. It's not an education account. It wasn't in her name. She's being extremely entitled. Had she asked for help rather than demanding it, my opinion would be different.

My_Opinions_Are_Good - I mean, you don't have to do and you wouldn't necessarily be the a**hole for not doing it, but you did save that money for her, and this is a totally non-frivolous and justifiable thing that you could spend it on. NAH, but you might want to reconsider. You don't have to help, but you can, and it's money that you set aside for her in the first place.

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CodenameBuckwin - INFO. Eh. It depends on exactly what you promised her. Did you call it a college fund? Did you say, I have 30k set aside to pay for your college? (Would you have paid more than 30k if she had more debt?)

Tbh,**based on what I currently know**, I'd offer to go halfsies on it with her - which covers both your parental goal of 'teaching responsibility' and your parental mandate to help your kid.

Summoning-Freaks - NAH. You saved money to pay for her college tuition and you did that.. She’s not automatically owed the rest of the money you saved for non-academic purposes. That being said, I understand her insecurities and worries about work.

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My godmother has ice pick and boxcar scars and she has said that she felt like she missed out on career opportunities because it’s not what is considered aesthetically pleasing by companies. A lot of people seemed to be more focused on her skin than her words, and people who were conventionally better looking were more often asked to handle clients.

And makeup just doesn’t hide skin marks that deep. If your daughter is working at a bank facing clients, she probably doesn’t want people staring at her scars all the time. I’m not saying you should give her the money, especially as she feels she’s owed it.

But what about matching her savings and then setting up a payment plan so she pays you back your share later? Or getting her a consultation so she can see what actually needs to be done, to motivate her to save up for it herself?

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[Reddit User] - INFO. Can you afford it? If you can, then its a nice gesture. Parenting never stops, even when they grow up. This procedure has emotional meaning for her, and apparently she wants you to be a part of that.

official_bagel - Going to go with ESH because of your Edits. Yes it's wrong for your daughter to feel entitled but your attitude towards this situation is toxic and comes across as resentment for your daughter and trying to get one over on her.

Blaming her for the scars is unnecessary and you even necessarily disparage your daughter in your edit regarding the solution you two reached. You're treating this as a 'me vs her' competition and that's not healthy.

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Your daughter is obviously struggling with self-esteem issues due to the scars and if you're as dismissive with her as you are when describing the situation, you're only making matters worse.

spiker713 - YTA. Not because you didn't want to pay for the cosmetic surgery or anything else but because you don't really seem to like your daughter at all. You seem to view your relationship with her as transactional instead of starting from a place of caring.

You made it clear that your paying for things depends on her being exactly who you expect her to be and doing exactly what you expect her to do. She'd be better off with a parent who couldn't afford to pay for anything. You seem to be making this a game and have some weird fixation on being RIGHT

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and winning because your daughter dared to not take care of her acne when she was a kid..You remind me of my mom. That's not a good thing. OTOH, your transaction puts your daughter on the way to self-sufficiency in 3 months. Won't be shocked when she goes LC with you in a few years.. ​. Edited to fix a run-on sentence.

This mother’s firm stance on her daughter’s surgery funding unveils the tricky dance of supporting adult children while setting boundaries. Her story sparks questions about where generosity ends and independence begins. How would you navigate a child’s expectations for financial help after major support like tuition? Share your thoughts and experiences below.

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