AITA for not wanting to room with my autistic friend?

In a dimly lit apartment, a woman battles sleeplessness, her TV’s soft hum a lifeline against CPTSD. Her friend Mike, bound by strict routines, offers to share rent, but their needs clash like thunder and silence.

Saying no to rooming together ignites a storm of hurt feelings and accusations of discrimination from Mike’s family. Caught between friendship and self-preservation, her choice sparks a Reddit frenzy. Dive into this tale of boundaries and tough calls.

‘AITA for not wanting to room with my autistic friend?’

I've(29F) been friends with Mike(35M) for about two years now and recently he offered to room with me since we're both struggling to make rent. I declined his offer because I felt that it would be hard to live with him. He has some extreme routines that I feel would clash with what I need to get by. He needs the entire house to be dark and defeaning silent by 9pm.

If he gets up during the night and sees even one source of light or non-sleeping sounds, he gets really upset and stressed. He wakes up at 5am and eats a very specific breakfast meal every morning. He eats lunch exactly at 1pm on the dot. And he's very attached to his friends, will literally follow you around and talk your ear off about one of his obsessions.

He constantly texts and voice calls me the moment I'm off work. I suffer from CPTSD and have trouble sleeping. I am usually up at extreme odd hours of the night and sometimes can only sleep when the sun rises. One of the ways I use to fall asleep is leaving the TV on so I can listen to it, like a bedtime story.

Along with sleep issues, I also go through random episodes of depression, anxiety, and flashbacks. So when he offered to room with me, I rejected his offer and when he asked why, I told him, what we need to get through the day will cause one another issues. Mike immediately started throwing a tantrum, saying I hurt his feelings and I was an a**hole.

He hung up after literally just screaming into his phone. A few hours later, I got a call from his parents accusing me of being an a**hole and how disappointed they were in me for being discriminatory towards their autistic son. They said they thought I would be a good friend to him but clearly I am just as judgemental as everyone else. And they ended the call by wishing I get what I deserve.

Update: thank you everyone for your kind words and helping me understand autism just a bit better. Aa of right now, I think it's safe to say Mike and I most likely won't be friends anymore. His parents started texting me, demanding I stop by and apologize to him and to discuss compromises for rooming together.

So I told them no thanks and I'll pretend they didn't just ask that of me. Then they decided to take a jab at my mom being a single mother and failing to raise a good child so I blocked all their numbers. I'll just take this as a lesson learned and move on... I guess. :/

Edit 2: becausw responses keep pouring in and to prevent me from cluttering the comments with copy+paste responses, I just want to offer a huge thank you to everyone for continuing to give me kind words and encouraging me to stay strong in my decision. I never felt so loved and empowered from so many people who knows I have CPTSD and can even relate.

Navigating friendship and shared living can be like walking a tightrope, especially when mental health and neurodiversity are in the mix. The woman’s decision to decline Mike’s roommate offer highlights a clash of accessibility needs—her CPTSD-driven late-night habits versus his autism-related need for structure. Both are valid, but compatibility in shared spaces is non-negotiable.

Dr. John Duffy, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Boundaries are not about rejection; they’re about self-preservation and mutual respect” (Psychology Today). Here, the woman’s foresight in recognizing potential conflict shows emotional intelligence, not discrimination. Mike’s rigid routines—darkness by 9pm, precise meal times—directly oppose her need for nighttime TV and irregular sleep. Forcing cohabitation could exacerbate her CPTSD symptoms, like anxiety and flashbacks, while disrupting Mike’s stability.

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This situation mirrors broader issues of mental health accommodation. A 2021 study by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found 60% of adults with mental health conditions felt misunderstood in social settings (NAMI). Both parties deserve environments tailored to their needs, but Mike’s tantrum and his parents’ accusations shift the focus to entitlement, not autism.

The solution? Honest communication and alternative support. The woman could suggest resources like local housing aid for Mike, while seeking therapy to manage her CPTSD.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s got some spicy takes on this drama, served with a side of humor and raw honesty. Here’s what the community had to say about this clash of needs and the fallout that followed.

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Ok-Mode-2038 - NTA. Throw they’re argument right back at them.. They’re discriminating against you for not catering to your needs.. And really? He ran to mommy and daddy? Right there would be the end of the friendship for me.

[Reddit User] - NTA. Your mental health matters too. Doesn’t seem like he’s much of a friend if only his needs matter.

ElishaAlison - I have autism and CPTSD. You're NTA. It's not discriminatory to not want to ruin your friendship by committing to a living situation that would ruin your friendship.

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SDstartingOut - NTA.. e needs the entire house to be dark and defeaning silent by 9pm. I didn't need to read anymore than this. This would be a deal breaker for me - sounds like it is for you as well.

Miss_Bobbiedoll - NTA. If you did move in with him, they'd call you to complain when you didn't have lights out by 9 or did anything that didn't suit him. They were counting on you to take Mike off their hands and/or keep him from moving home.

penpapercats - NTA, and I'm saying this as an autistic woman. Your needs clash with his. His autism is irrelevant. And the fact that he threw a tantrum? He needs to understand that, yes, his autism will inconvenience other people sometimes, and he can't force them to put his own needs first. He needs to understand compassion as it applies to subjecting other people to his own habits.

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And, he needs to learn how to handle r**ection in a mature manner. Throwing a tantrum and calling his friend (you) names just because she had the forethought to say 'hey our needs will clash, so maybe we shouldn't be roommates', is downright childish. If he doesn't figure these things out, he's never going to go far with close relationships (such as roommates or girlfriends).

ladygreyowl13 - NTA two people can be friends but would have major issues living together, whether they have issues or not. The fact that you know you’d clash living together before signing a lease saved you a lot of trouble.

Wrong-Construction40 - NTA you have conflicting accessibility needs that would be difficult if not impossible to reconsile. The big issue is how possessive he is, especially that he gave his parents your number so they could berate you, i assume to guilt you into getting what he wants. That's some toxic s**t.

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Defiant-Currency-518 - NTA. You deserve the very best for being insightful and considerate of other’s needs, and I hope that’s exactly what you get.

Amblonyx - NTA. You just aren't compatible. Your comfort routines are in direct opposition to yours. That's fine.. He became the AH when he screamed at you and called you names. Honestly, and this is as an autistic person myself, it sounds like he's been massively enabled to expect to get his way all the time.

Needing quiet and darkness is one thing; talking your ear off all the time is another. His parents are making this worse. No one is entitled to room with anyone. It's such a huge, personal thing. I think I have two friends I'd be willing to live with, and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want to live with me(I'm a godawful housekeeper).

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These opinions light up Reddit, but do they capture the full picture?

This story is a tangle of empathy, boundaries, and tough choices. The woman’s stand to protect her mental health sparked a firestorm, but it also shines a light on the delicate dance of friendship and personal needs. Mike’s hurt and his family’s accusations add layers to a situation where no one’s the villain—just two people with clashing survival strategies. What would you do if your friend’s needs threatened your peace? Drop your thoughts below and let’s keep this conversation going!

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