AITA for leaving during an evening with my GF to go help my ex?

In a quiet apartment, a cozy evening between a couple was shattered by a frantic call: a beloved dog, Bean, had vanished. The 24-year-old man, torn between his girlfriend’s company and his duty to the pet he co-owns with his ex, rushed to join the search, inviting his girlfriend along. Her refusal and subsequent accusations of neglect turned a pet emergency into a relationship crisis.

This tale of loyalty to a furry friend and love tested by misunderstanding dives into the heart of modern relationships. Was the man’s dash to save Bean a justified act, or did it unfairly sideline his girlfriend? Let’s explore this dog-driven drama and the bonds it strained.

‘AITA for leaving during an evening with my GF to go help my ex?’

Me (24M) and my ex GF (24F) broke up a little bit over 2 years ago. 1 year before our break up we adpted a dog « bean ». I am no going to lie we were the kind of crazy pet owners, he was like our kid. Our break up was mutual and at the end we were more friends/roomates than a couple.

The hardest part was figuring out what to do with Bean. We both wanted to keep him in our lives so we decided in an arrangement to please both of us. She has the bigger garden and she often work at home so she has him most of the time.

I often go on hikes on the week end and she has to travel for work once a month so I have him at least a week each month and on the week ends. I have the code to the gate of her garden so when it’s my turn I just go and get him. Her brother is one of my closest friend and I hike with him so during the week end he is the one getting him.

If we talk it’s mostly to give small update about our families (we know each other since we were 15) and the dog. I know this arrangement is unusual but Bean is our dog and right now both of us can’t imagine not having him in our life. 6 months ago I met Ana (25F), she is now my GF.

She never complained or said anything about how things work with Bean. This Monday Ana came ove to mine. It was just a casual evening/night together. Around 10 my ex called me in tears. A neighbour came in the afternoon to deliver something and she forgot to close the gate.

When my ex came back Bean was missing. She told me that her and her BF looked around but couldn’t find him and they were going to call more people to search for him. I told her that I was comming. I asked Ana if she wanted to come but she refused.

When I arrived at my ex’s place a few people were here to help. Her bf, her brother, the neighbour and her family and some of our friends. Anyway it took us over 1h but we finally found him. He was fine. We took him home I gave him a lot of hugs, said bye and left. I came home and Ana was already in bed. When I tried to talk to her she told me that she was tired and didn’t want to talk.

The next day she was cold and barely talked to me but after work she called me to talk and kind of exploded on the phone. She said that I left her to go with my ex and that she was hurt. That I chose to spent the night with my ex and our friends rather than with her.

I tried to explain that I only went because of Bean but she refused to listen to me. According to her there were enough people to find Bean and my ex didn’t need my help. Which is true but he is still my dog and it’s my job to be here for him.

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Even our friends came to help.. I want to add this is the only time that something like that happened since we broke up. Honestly I don’t know what to think. In my mind I did the right thing but Ana said that I neglected her.. My friends don’t get along well with her so if I ask them they will be biased.

Pet co-ownership can complicate new relationships, and this story highlights the fallout. The man’s decision to join the search for Bean, his dog, reflects a deep sense of responsibility. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes that empathy in crises—like a missing pet—strengthens bonds, but miscommunication can spark conflict.

The girlfriend, Ana, may feel insecure due to the ex’s presence, a valid concern given the unusual arrangement; about 20% of couples face trust issues tied to ex-partner contact.

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Ana’s refusal to join the search, despite an invitation, and her accusation that the man prioritized his ex suggest a need for clearer communication. Gottman advises couples to discuss boundaries calmly, like clarifying the dog-sharing logistics upfront.

The man could reassure Ana by affirming her importance while explaining Bean’s role in his life. Ana, in turn, should voice insecurities without dismissing his pet bond.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s comment section barked loudly, with support for the man and sharp critiques of Ana’s reaction. Here’s what the community unleashed:

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Muted_Bother − You are not NTA. You went to find your dog, not hang out with the ex. You did nothing wrong. Plus, you invited her to come along.

throwaway20698059 − NTA. You invited her to come and help you find the dog. She declined. If she had gone, she probably would see this event for exactly what it was - not whatever she's invented in her head. I'm with you on this one.

I cannot imagine canoodling on the couch knowing my dog was out there missing in the dark and I probably would have been a bit miffed if my ex hadn't called me. If your gf thinks leaving for one hour at 10 PM on a Monday to find your missing dog (when you invited her to come help) is 'n**lect', she's got issues.

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9okm − NTA. Bigger issues here.

MrsActionParsnip − NAH but you and your ex really need to come to a decision on who gets to keep the dog because this isn't sustainable long term. What happens if one of you moves away and wants to take him? Or your girlfriend moves in and wants to get a dog with you but Bean doesn't get on with the new dog?

Felidaeh_ − I'm saying NTA, because Bean is also *your* dog. If Ana knew of the arrangement already, she should have understood that you were looking for your pet, not 'helping your ex' per se. Ana also had the opportunity to come with you, as you'd offered, but she refused. That's on her. If she wants to be weirdly picky and pretend that she has a right to be hurt then she's the AH.

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Bridazzles − I just think you guys aren’t compatible. I’m not cool with dating someone who has their ex all up in their life, and I don’t think 50/50 custody of Bean is reasonable. If I were your gf I would wonder if you’re doing it to be around your ex.

That’s just me, and I’m wondering if it’s your gf too. I can guarantee you that this has more to do with something other than the doggo. You guys just aren’t compatible. You need to find someone who can fit with your lifestyle, because it’s not her.

prairiemountainzen − NTA at all. This is your dog we're talking about here and your girlfriend is **choosing** to see this whole situation in the worst way possible that paints you as a villain.

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You weren't 'spending the night with your ex and your friends instead of her' you were *looking for your lost pet.* You even asked her to join you and she refused. Personally, I would be wary of someone who is this jealous and unreasonable.

PeaceOrchid − I’m on the fence with this rn because a few things. 1. As much as you and your ex love Bean, unless you and your ex have another reason to be in each other’s lives there should have been a 100% clear cut decision as to who would own/take care of Bean.

This is more for Bean than anyone else. Both of you having part-custody is what YOU need. Perhaps not what a dog needs. 2. It’s interesting that like 8% of the whole post is about your new girlfriend (it took a few paragraphs to get there) Maybe this is your way of writing but maybe, like some of us;

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the situation and how you feel about Bean is the most important part of this story for you. 3) I get that your girlfriend is pissed off. I would be too. And her points and feelings are valid. You said that she’s never had an issue with your arrangement with Bean before but maybe this is because it’s never been an ‘in her face’ issue before.

She’s probably never felt like the third (maybe forth?) person in this relationship until now.. As far as I’m concerned you did exactly what any loving (even part-time) dog Dad would do. But knowing all this, it’s still caused an issue and insecurities for your girlfriend. THIS is what you need to address.. Edit: NAH

[Reddit User] − NAH. Not ah for looking for your dog, which is more than fair and quite reasonable and expected, but for the whole situation you are in  I think Ana is also not ah. Consider the context behind why Ana got frustrated at you leaving to look for your dog, because looking for him was the right thing to do.

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If you look at Ana with love in your eyes, and not with the judgement that so many in this thread are expressing, then maybe you can start understanding her viewpoint. Why? Because you need to think of the whole situation from Ana’s point of view. To empathize.

Perhaps, from Ana’s viewpoint, she feels like she lives in the world of your ex girlfriend. You are still friends with the ex. You still share a pet with the ex: You hang out all the time with your ex’s brother. Ana isn’t liked too well by your crowd of friends. I bet she can sense that.

It sure sounds like you live in the “extended ex GF world” and other people are just visitors to it and not only that, but visitors *will* be judged by your “group” and they will let you know what they think. I’m surprised your new GF tolerates this, and, finally she is hitting a limit.

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The fact she hit her limit at the exact wrong time is just bad timing. My wife, annoyed with me never wanting to go out to eat, got very annoyed when I cancelled a dinner out due to feeling sick. She wasn’t an AH for getting mad when I was sick. It’s the other 100 times I didn’t agree to go out to eat that were the cause, not just this 100th time.

If you are serious about Ana, if you love her, you need to start building a shared friendship group with you and Ana at the center - and by definition that will change some existing friendship dynamics. A couple of my friends didn’t like my wife. A majority did. I stepped back from the friendships with the ones who didn’t like her - because I loved the woman who became my wife of 30+ years.

AcceptableEcho0 − NTA your gf may reasonable feel disappointed that you ditched her for a dog- but you have loved the dog longer than you have known the girlfriend, and the dog was not in a safe comfortably house- the dog was actively in danger. how she expressed her disappointment by creating a false narrative is alarming.

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You didnt leave her, she choose not to help you. You invited her and she declined, and now is punishing you for her choice to stay alone rather than accept a change of plans. Sometimes an urgent situation arises and your girlfriends lack of flexibility isn't healthy.

Your friends don't like her? Why? What's not to like about a woman who decides to spend the night alone rather than help you look for your lost dog, and then expects you to feel bad for 'leaving her to go to your exs' and 'spending the night with your friends' without acknowledging that she chooses not to come with you,

that your beloved pet was missing, and that you invited her to join you. She doesn't like your friends or your dog- why is she even with you? Does she think she can pout and manipulate you into dropping your friends and pet to be available to her 24/7? It sounds like she as already made a good start on punishing you for caring about people and animals other than her.

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These Redditors didn’t hold back, but do their takes fully fetch the nuance? This dog drama’s got everyone howling.

This saga of a missing dog shows how love for a pet can tug at human hearts. The man’s rush to save Bean was a call of duty, but it left his girlfriend feeling sidelined, exposing cracks in their trust. Balancing furry friends and romance is no easy walk in the park. Would you have joined the search or stayed behind? Share your pet and partner stories below—let’s keep this tail-wagging chat going!

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