WIBTA if I don’t attend my sister’s weddings?

In a whirlwind of love and loss, a woman’s heart was tested by a family betrayal that reads like a soap opera script. Years after a forced breakup with her first true love, Joe, due to her parents’ disapproval, she faced a gut-punch: her younger sister, Allie, is marrying him. Knowing Allie pursued Joe despite their shared history, the woman now wrestles with attending the wedding, torn between family duty and her aching heart.

This saga of love, betrayal, and family double standards pulls readers into a raw emotional journey. Would skipping the wedding be a selfish escape, or a vital act of self-care? Let’s dive into this tangled tale and explore the delicate balance of loyalty and healing.

‘WIBTA if I don’t attend my sister’s weddings?’

This needs a bit of a backstory so bear with me a little. Three years ago, I was in grad school and I was working as a tutor for undergrad students, that's how I met Joe, who was 5 years younger than me. We had a whirlwind romance until I told my mother,

expecting her to be happy for me because it was my first relationship where I felt more than just fondness towards my partner. However, my parents are a little on the conservative side and as soon as my mom learned about the age difference and his various tattoos, she was livid.

My parents gave me an ultimatum: either leave Joe or they would kick me out and stop paying for my education. I nearly chose the latter until Joe told me that my education was more important. He said we could always get together after I'd had my degree and despite hating it, I agreed with him.

We broke up but kept in touch over the next year. He graduated and moved to a city a few hours away where my sister Allie was at school. I got my degree and moved to a city nearby, earning my first taste of freedom.

Almost two years after our breakup, my sister Allie told me she'd been seeing someone for seven months and sent me a picture of her with him. It was Joe. I could not believe my eyes. I texted him, asking if it were true and got no reply.

I called my mother, who told me that it wasn't a big deal and that they're letting Allie have her 'rebellious phase,' which is something I was never allowed to have but I digress. I threw myself into work, managing to avoid my family during every holiday and thinking maybe this would help me forget.

I found out they got engaged through our mother and later received a wedding invitation, I RSVP'd yes. Now, the wedding is less than a month away and I am clearly not over him. I tear up at the thought of watching him say 'I do' to my younger sister.

I don't think I can attend their wedding and I'm thinking about using work as an excuse again. My best friend says I'm being an a**hole and I have to grin and bear it while other friends are saying that I should prioritize my health. I'm not sure what the right answer is and I thought I ought to ask an unbiased audience.

**UPDATE:** I called Allie earlier and to say I'm an i**ot is an understatement. She knew who Joe was before they'd even been formally introduced. Our mom told her about him when we were still dating. She said that she never brought it up because it never seemed important to her

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and that since he 'chose' her, there was nothing to talk about. She still expects me to attend her wedding because we're family. I know this is terrible but I didn't tell her I'm not over him. I suspect she would just laugh.

Edit: thank you so much to everyone who responded. I'm going to stop replying now and cry into a tub of ice cream until I feel better.

Family dynamics can fracture under the weight of favoritism and betrayal, and this story lays bare those cracks. The woman’s hesitation to attend her sister’s wedding to her ex-boyfriend is a natural response to unresolved pain, amplified by her sister’s knowledge of their past.

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Dr. Susan Forward, a therapist specializing in family dynamics, explains that when family members pursue a sibling’s ex-partner, it often feels like a deliberate betrayal, eroding trust. This is especially true here, given Allie’s silence and the mother’s dismissive attitude, which favored Allie’s “rebellious phase” over the woman’s relationship.

The mother’s ultimatum years ago forced the woman to prioritize education over love, a choice 25% of young adults face in high-control families. Allie’s pursuit of Joe, knowing their history, adds a layer of disloyalty, making the wedding a potential emotional minefield.

Forward advises prioritizing mental health through boundaries, like skipping the event, while processing feelings via therapy or journaling. The woman could send a polite note declining attendance, citing personal reasons, to avoid confrontation. Clear communication with supportive friends can also bolster her resolve.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s comment section erupted with outrage and empathy, dissecting the family’s actions with sharp insight. Here’s what the community weighed in:

agirlhasnoscreenname − NTA and INFO: Does your sister know you used to date him?!

Niki_Anne − NTA- this is an awful situation to be in. Prioritize your health. It might make your relationship with your family tough for now(or forever) but they seem to treat you and your sister very differently. Are you close with them?

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[Reddit User] − Rebellious phases don’t lead to parent-sanctioned weddings like that.. I mean, NTA, you’re entitled to your feelings, but something about your story doesn’t quite add up.

ColdRevenge76 − NTA.. This Joe guy just happened to hook up with your little sister?!? Something stinks here. Your mother is awful and controlling, but I don't think Joe is someone your sister should be marrying if he didn't tell her IMMEDIATELY that he had already had intimate relations with her big sister. As in, before he was intimate with her.

You need to have a serious talk with your baby sis, as in immediately. What would she think if he intentionally sought her out after you had already been with him? This guy sounds like a real piece of.. work. Your sister needs to hear this from you and after, she should sit him down to get an explanation about why he was not transparent about his past with her own sister.

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mockingbird82 − NTA. I read your update. Your mom caused you to break up by threatening you and then gave your younger sister blessings. Now they all expect you to get over it and put on a happy face. No. They wronged you. Joe also wronged you. Most people would not get involved in this type of a relationship, but 3 people pushed ahead.

I mean s**t, this is bound to go bad later. Joe and Allie have a fight and he comes to you for a sympathetic ear? I mean was anyone thinking when they decided to marry? You are well within your rights not to attend. Besides, what if you cause a scene otherwise? I am angry on your behalf.

2PlasticLobsters − NTA. Your 'best' friend doesn't sound worthy of that label to me. Certainly she's not being supportive. Personally, I wouldn't keep any friend who told me to 'grin & bear it' over a major upheaval like this.

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It's not as if you didn't get the flight you wanted, or the ice cream shop ran out of chocolate. It also sounds like your family has some screwy mindgames going on, so in itself limiting contact with them might be in your best interests.

[Reddit User] − Edit: NTA after reading OP's update. Counseling will still be helpful, but only in helping keep these nutcases away.. ~~NAH except your mom but consider this:~~ ~~As painful as it is, Joe will be your brother-in-law for the foreseeable future.

He will be at family gatherings and you have to deal with it eventually. I strongly suggest you get counseling to help you get over Joe and move on so that you can deal with being around him, or else you will be isolating yourself from your family indefinitely.~~

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_bufflehead − Just read your update. Oh dear, I'm so sorry. So, when Allie sent you his photo, she *knew* he had been your boyfriend, but didn't say so? That's just entirely disingenuous. She is a piece of work. Please don't think you are an i**ot.

FerretAres − NTA but everyone else in the story is for various reasons: 1) Your mom. She forces you to break up with a guy for various flimsy reasons under threat of withholding tuition. Then sanctions your sisters marriage to the same guy? Bruh.

2) Your sister. According to edit 2 she knew Joe was your ex from the get go. She goes forward with a relationship anyway and as far as I understand actively hides who she is dating from you? Bruh 2.. 3) Joe. Don’t date your exes sister. This is a pretty clear case.

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Some side notes, I hate playing armchair Reddit psychologist so I won’t say your mom sounds like a narcissist since I don’t have more than a very thin slice of your life with her but this story has a lot of classic golden child vibes for your sister.

Also I’d be willing to bet Joe was never that into you if he was willing to give up the relationship, especially if he then went on to date your sister. It’s probable that he isn’t the person you’ve built up in your head. Get yourself some therapy/counselling to help process the clusterfuck of emotions you’re likely dealing with. Yikes.

AbsentGlare − NTA. What you probably need to do is be honest with your sister. You dated this guy three years ago. That seems like information she ought to have before she says “i do”, don’t you think? Don’t run away from your problem here. Don’t just hide.

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It will fester and rot you from the inside. You can be strong. You know how, you’ve graduated and gotten a job and lived on your own. Don’t let your mother dictate your life. You’re an adult. It sounds like you’re not completely over Joe.

You sound like a good, caring person, and you deserve someone who is interested in you. Joe made a choice to let you go, and you have to live with that. You can find someone truly wonderful for you. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen automatically, but you can do it.. You can manage these issues, you have the tools you need to do so.

These Redditors brought fiery takes, but do their judgments capture the full complexity? This wedding drama’s got everyone talking.

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This heart-wrenching tale shows how family ties can twist into knots of betrayal. The woman’s struggle to skip her sister’s wedding to her ex reflects a battle between duty and self-preservation. Healing from such a blow takes time, and her heart deserves space to mend. Would you attend the wedding or protect your peace? Share your stories and thoughts below—let’s keep this emotional conversation flowing!

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