AITA for finally breaking and telling my friend she probably doesn’t have ADHD?

Gregory Houston Hours
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In a quiet coffee shop, the air thick with the scent of roasted beans, a group of friends once laughed over shared stories. But lately, one friend’s constant claim of “It’s my ADHD” has soured the mood, like a bitter brew left too long. For five years, M has leaned on a self-diagnosed label, dodging doctors despite free healthcare, while her friend, the original poster (OP), grapples with her own diagnosed struggles.

The tension boiled over during a lockdown video call, when M blamed her restlessness on ADHD—again. OP, worn thin by years of patience, snapped, questioning M’s claim. Was it a harsh truth or a cruel jab? This Reddit tale of clashing perspectives pulls readers into a messy, relatable debate about mental health and accountability.

‘AITA for finally breaking and telling my friend she probably doesn’t have ADHD?’

My friend M self-diagnosed ADHD something like 5 years ago. I told them to speak to their GP and get tested, if they really thought they had ADHD. We live in a country with free healthcare, so it wouldn’t cost M a dime, just the process. When M said they probably had ADHD, I started as supportive, urged them to talk to an expert, and get tested.

My SSRI’s have changed my life, so if she can get help, she should. However, my friend said it wasn’t “that big of a deal” because it didn’t affect them much. Over the last 5 years, they often bring up their “ADHD” whenever anything vaguely uncomfortable or inconvenient happens..

They’re almost never late, but the one time they are “Sorry, it’s my ADHD.” The moment they struggle focusing on something, they pull the card. If we (pre-corona) were at a restaurant with a friend group and M was rudely on her phone, “it’s because I have ADHD.”

Last year, I had to talk her out of illegally buying ADHD meds off some uni student selling them for tests. I told her there are various ADHD meds, and even if she does have ADHD, the ones he’s selling might not even work! If she felt meds would help her, PLEASE see a doctor!

Over the years, resentment has built up. I have host of diagnosed mental illness as well as adult diagnosed autism. I went to the doctor because my life was a mess. M is not teaching themselves healthy coping mechanisms through ADHD self-help sites.

M is not going to the doctor. M describes her own life as unaffected by the ADHD she claims he has.. I shut my mouth because I’m not a professional, and maybe M DOES have ADHD. I don’t know. But now with corona, M has been going on and on and on about how she obviously has ADHD because staying at home has been so hard on her.

I said that that has nothing to do with ADHD. I’ve been working from home since March. The whole country has had multiple lock downs. We all leave home as little as possible and almost never see friends or family. Everyone is tired, struggles focusing, etc.

In corona times, everyone I know has been dealing with the psychological and physical effects of such low-contact and barely leaving the house. She said that wasn’t fair, because she has ADHD. I said she should probably get an official diagnosis if she was struggling so much, but she said it wasn’t that big of a deal.

I snapped and said she probably didn’t have ADHD, and that she still hasn’t seen a doctor because she knows he might not diagnose her. She yelled back she had ADHD and I was being discriminatory. I said she might have ADHD, but that we’d never know, because she just likes the label and refuses to see a doctor if her life is so impacted.

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She said some mean s**t about my home life and ended the call. Some friends in our group are saying I was a massive a**hole, but others are thanking me because they’ve been keeping their mouth shut for years. I’m just looking for a reality check I guess.

EDIT: holy crap, I just got back... this blew up. I don't think I can reply to everyone, thanks for the replies though! It appears most judgements are NTA. Thank you guys for the reality check.

M’s casual use of an ADHD label feels like tossing glitter on everyday chaos—sparkly, but ultimately distracting. Self-diagnosis can be a starting point, but refusing professional help raises eyebrows, especially when free healthcare’s on the table. OP’s irritation is understandable, given their own mental health journey. M’s behavior suggests a need for validation rather than a debilitating condition, creating friction in their friendship.

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This story taps into a broader issue: the rise of self-diagnosis in mental health. A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association noted a 30% increase in self-reported mental health conditions since 2018, often fueled by social media (apa.org). While awareness is great, unverified labels can muddy the waters for those with clinical diagnoses.

Dr. John Grohol, a psychologist quoted in a PsychCentral article, says, “Self-diagnosis without professional input can lead to misunderstanding one’s symptoms and delaying effective treatment” (psychcentral.com). In M’s case, her reluctance to see a doctor might stem from fear of losing her “excuse” or facing a different reality. This trivializes the struggles of those, like OP, navigating real diagnoses.

For M, the next step is clear: book a doctor’s appointment. If ADHD is present, proper treatment could help. If not, exploring other causes—like lockdown stress—might bring clarity. OP could gently encourage this while setting boundaries to avoid future clashes. Open communication, minus the snap, could mend their bond.

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These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s got no chill when it comes to M’s antics—here’s the tea, served straight-up with a side of sass. Check out what the community had to say:

[Reddit User] − NTA. Like you said she might have it but she’s using something self diagnosed to try and justify her behaviour. It’s frustrating to have actual health conditions and having to listen to someone who does this, I can see why you snapped.

[Reddit User] − NTA at all. people self diagnosing problems they (frequently) dont even have makes it harder for the people that actually deal with those issues to get things done. i've heard stories of restaurants ignoring gluten free requests because of the whole globe hopping on the gluten free bandwagon and actually causing a lot of harm for people with celiac disease. and with free healthcare your friend is doubly TA

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spaceseas − NTA. She's clearly been using ADHD as an excuse/quirky label/for sympathy points without actually realizing how difficult it is to live with a neurodevelopmental disorder, in front of you who actually does have one. You didn't say anything out of line, it's been years, money is not a problem. And if it doesn't affect her life at all, why is she complaining about it?

anchovie_macncheese − NTA. If ADHD was really affecting her life as much as she complains about it, then the only reasonable step would be to get a proper diagnosis so she could get treatment. Mental illness is an ongoing obstacle, and one that requires a proactive attitude to address.

The fact that she never saw a professional or got a diagnosis raises some serious red flags. Chances are she likes having the attention, and she likes having an excuse to blame her behavior on. Faking a disorder is NEVER okay- it's not 'cute', or 'trendy'. It actually makes you a huge AH who is trivializing the struggles of people who actually suffer these afflictions.

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Coffee2813 − NTA-because of her people like us,who actually have mental illneses dont get taken seriously by other people. For years i tought i had bpd but never said a word about it until i actually got diagnosed by a profesional. How can she say that she has ADHD if she 'isn't affected by it'. How do you know you have it then,if you dont have any symptoms?

wicktch − NTA. ADHD has made aspects of my life so hard. I’ve been on medication for 10 years and it helps, but it doesn’t change the other parts of my life it’s effected. I can’t get back the years of schooling it f**ked up for me. My RSD makes me feel like everyone who deals with me is just annoyed with me all the time and hates me for it.

My object permanence is f**ked and has cost me several times, forgetting about tasks as soon as they stop being talked about or not being able to find a f**king thing despite living with a very organized partner because once I set something down and walk away it’s gone to my recollection. It’s not a cute or fun or trendy thing that happens and inconveniences me from time to time, it’s made my life really fuckin difficult. Tell your friend to grow up.

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itsalrightifyoudont − NTA but I doubt the diagnosis would keep your friend from using it as an excuse for poor behavior.

Oracle85 − NTA. It sounds like M just likes using their undiagnosed claim of having ADHD as a crutch for being easily distracted/rude. Deep down, they probably know that's what they are doing which is why they refuse to get tested. If the test shows that they don't have ADHD, then they can't use that excuse anymore.

You did the right thing in encouraging them to get tested instead of self medicating/coping mechanisms. When that failed, you also did the right thing in confronting them on how they probably don't actually have ADHD but they'll never know because they refuse to get tested.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Not a doctor here at all but unless you have made a lot of effort or naturally have an ADHD-friendly routine/job/life, I cannot even imagine how untreated ADHD wouldn’t impact someone much. My ADHD even though treated is obviously severe to everyone I work with and spend any time with even now at 35 years old it impacts me every minute of every day.

I’m overly nice and overly hard working and that is the only reason I still have a job and friends and boyfriend and apartment and paid bills. I can see how someone can want to have a diagnosis to explain slight errors, and how they might be upset if they based their identity on it. But you never said they didn’t have it and weren’t rude.

[Reddit User] − I don’t know whether your friend has ADHD. She could. I certainly knew there was something very wrong in my life so I went to the doctor. I said to them I thought I could have bipolar, because my grandmother did, and my life was becoming incredibly chaotic. They literally laughed at me.

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I got sicker and sicker to the point I was physically shaking and my speech was pressured. My behaviour was so chaotic I almost died. I had to go to hospital for much longer than I should have because it took ages for me to come down. Had the doctor listened to me I might not have lost as much time (total 7 months over a few years).

What I’m saying is, sometimes a person knows something is wrong, and sometimes the doctors don’t get it right- especially if they’re not specifically trained in mental health. The way your friend is managing her mental health sounds toxic. She should not illegally be buying medicine she my or may not need.

I also get how frustrating it must seem when you yourself have a debilitating condition and your friend seems to go along with her life and it feels like she only brings to up when it seems inconvenient things happen to her. I think it’s important to acknowledge- you don’t see everything that happens with her.

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Obviously something is wrong in her life that she feels like she has this condition. Because I have been through so much with my mental health- been hospitalised, had ECT, lost all my friends- sometimes when people tell me their problems, especially mental health ones, I find it hard to be sympathetic- because rarely have they been as debilitating as my own.

This is an impulse I really need to check. Even if it is true, that their mental health issues have not been as bad as my own- it does not mean it isn’t significant to them and they haven’t suffered. And I need to remember I don’t see everything. OP you’re NTA. It sounds like you have been very patient up to this point.

I know exactly how you feel, and the advice I would give you is - take a breath. Remember that as frustrating as this person might seem, and that you can’t see their issues as being significant- remember that maybe they are to this person.. It seems like you have given them really good advice in the past.

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Maybe now, as them talking to you about this seems triggering and frustrating to you (understandably so) - if you can avoid talking to them about their mental health, do that. You don’t need this added stress in your life. You need to focus on yourself.

These Reddit hot takes are spicy, but do they cut through the noise? Some see M’s behavior as attention-seeking, while others wonder if there’s more beneath the surface. Either way, the debate’s as lively as a group chat blowing up.

This Reddit saga leaves us pondering: when does patience run dry, and is it ever okay to call out a friend’s questionable claims? OP’s outburst was messy but human, born from years of watching M dodge accountability. Whether M has ADHD or not, her refusal to seek help speaks louder than her excuses. What would you do if a friend leaned on a self-diagnosis like a crutch? Share your thoughts—let’s keep the convo going!

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