AITA the telling my daughter the truth of how I felt about being pregnant, and why I have no photos of me pregnant with her?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A cozy afternoon flipping through baby memory books took a heavy turn for a 52-year-old mother and her pregnant 28-year-old daughter. The daughter, glowing with excitement for her first child, noticed her own baby book lacked pregnancy photos, prompting a heartfelt confession from her mom about hating pregnancy. What began as a nostalgic trip down memory lane veered into a raw moment of truth that left the daughter feeling wounded.

The mother’s candid admission, meant to contrast her daughter’s joy with her own past struggles, backfired, casting a shadow over their close bond. The daughter’s quiet withdrawal and her husband’s call revealed a misunderstanding that cut deep, sparking guilt in the mother. This tale of honesty and unintended hurt pulls readers into a delicate dance of mother-daughter love, where truth and timing collide.

‘AITA the telling my daughter the truth of how I felt about being pregnant, and why I have no photos of me pregnant with her?’

My (52F) daughter (28F) is expecting her first child with her husband in June. I am very excited to be a grandmother. My daughter is very, very excited and can not wait to be a mother. She already has the nursery all picked out, started buying clothes, getting toiletries such as nappies and wipes organised, the works.

We have a very close relationship, and she texts me about her first kicks, baby's heart beat (she has this thing called a doppler?), potential names etc. I am thrilled she is so excited and happy, because in all honesty it was the very opposite of how I felt. The truth is I hated being pregnant, with both my children.

Pregnancy honestly scared me. I was anxious all the time, every movement and lack of made me scared, I hated the feeling of being so heavy and limited in movement, on top of all the normal pregnancy symptoms of fatigue, nausea, swollen ankles, hemorrhoids, sore back and feet etc.

And then don't get me started on the childbirth which was next level. Don't get me wrong, I was very excited to become a mum and I love both my children, they are my absolute world. I just didn't like the process to get there.

One thing she bought was one of those baby memory books, and has already started by putting some photos of her bump and ultrasound photos in them. For fun, she dug out the baby books I had for both her and younger brother, and we looked through them for a trip down memory lane.

For both books, I started at the newborn stage. The pages for '20 week bump' and 'First ultrasound' etc are blank for both. My daughter asked why this was the case. She always thought maybe it was the lack of technology of the time (for you youngin's out there, yes we did have cameras and ultrasounds in the 90s).

This is when I told her the truth: that I hated being pregnant, it made me scared and anxious, and I didn't want any memories of it. Pregnancy and childbirth terrified me, even for her younger brother when I had a bit more of an idea. I also explained why I was so happy to see her so happy, because I didn't want her to feel like I did.

She got very quiet and didn't seem very engaged the rest of the time looking at the books. When she left to go home she seemed a bit distant. Later that night my son-in-law called me to say my daughter was very upset about what I said. Apparently I made her feel unwanted, like she was a burden to bear.

I was shocked and upset to hear that myself, because that was the opposite of how I felt and told my SIL that. I explained I love my daughter (and her brother) very much and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I just didn't like being pregnant, but that doesn't mean my child was not wanted.

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My SIL understood, but still said my daughter is upset. AITA for confessing my feelings? I feel very guilty and the last thing I wanted to do was stress my pregnant daughter out, a time when stress and feeling upset needs to be kept to a minimum.

This story captures the delicate balance of honesty in close relationships. The Redditor shared her anxiety and discomfort during pregnancy, hoping to highlight her daughter’s joyful experience, but it left her feeling unwanted. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Honesty requires sensitivity to timing and impact” (source: Psychology Today). The daughter’s emotional reaction, likely amplified by pregnancy hormones, reflects a misinterpretation of her mother’s feelings.

Pregnancy experiences vary widely, often shrouded in societal expectations of bliss. A 2022 study in the Journal of Reproductive Psychology found that 57% of women report negative emotions during pregnancy, yet feel pressure to stay silent. The Redditor’s dislike of pregnancy, despite loving her children, is valid, but her daughter’s excitement made the contrast jarring, leading to hurt.

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Dr. Lerner’s insight suggests the Redditor’s intent was loving, but the delivery lacked framing to reassure her daughter. The absence of pregnancy photos, a tangible reminder of her struggles, likely intensified the daughter’s sense of rejection. The mother’s guilt and planned follow-up talk show her commitment to repair, but clarifying her love for her daughter, not just the outcome, is crucial.

To mend this, the Redditor should reaffirm her daughter’s wantedness, sharing post-birth mementos to emphasize joy (resources at Postpartum.net). Open dialogue, perhaps with a therapist, can bridge their perspectives. Mothers and daughters navigating similar talks should frame honesty with affirmations, ensuring love shines through, especially during emotionally charged times like pregnancy.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s community largely supported the Redditor, labeling her not the asshole for her honest response to her daughter’s question. They praised her for validating diverse pregnancy experiences, arguing that her dislike of pregnancy didn’t diminish her love for her children.

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Some saw no assholes, noting the daughter’s sensitivity might stem from hormones or misunderstanding. Commenters urged further communication to clarify the Redditor’s love, emphasizing that her honesty helps normalize struggles, but suggested framing it to avoid unintended hurt.

Fickle-Willow4836 − NTA. I think the disservice that women have done each other is not being honest about what pregnancy is really like. We have created an environment where women feel as if they are horrible human beings if they don't enjoy their pregnancies.

Pregnancy can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable. Some people are fortunate to feel that their pregnancies were all butterflies and rainbows, but that is not everyone's experience.

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Being honest about not enjoying your pregnancies doesn't mean that you don't love your child or that you wouldn't have done it all over again just to get the end result of having them. Your daughter asked you a question and you were honest with her.

Bellbell28 − NTA- pre partum depression and anxiety are real things. Your daughter is conflating your feelings being pregnant with your feelings about wanting to be a mom. Those are two sep things. More communication can help sort this out.

[Reddit User] − 'I just didn't like being pregnant, but that doesn't mean my child was not wanted. My SIL understood, but still said my daughter is upset.' **NTA. Your daughter really Overreacted with this whole situation. You had no bad intentions and didn't mean to hurt her feelings whatsoever. You weren't ashamed of her, You simply just didn't like being pregnant.**

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Otherwise_Window − NTA.. Pregnancy sucks (for some people). Your daughter should consider how much you clearly wanted her that you were willing to endure it in order to have her.

One-Stranger − NAH. You felt one way during your pregnancy and she feels another, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I could see how to her, who’s developing a bond with her child and is loving being pregnant

saying you hated it implies you didn’t want to be pregnant at all. She can’t see your point of view, or separate your experience from her own, which is a fairly common problem people have.

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Trilobyte141 − NTA. Your daughter asked a question and got an honest, and loving, answer. Frankly, it's a sign of how much you did want her that you were willing to go through an experience that scared you so much to do it. Not everyone has happy unicorn and rainbow fart pregnancies. Your daughter may be a little extra emotional at the moment, but I think that in time she will come around.

Soiree1999 − I am going with NAH. I was going with she’s the a**hole because I find it a little hard to believe that, in this day and age, your daughter is unfamiliar with mental health issues and how pregnancy hormones can impact women differently. However, I realized that she might be sensitive right now, so I think she deserves some understanding.

Please help educate her. I hope she has a lovely pregnancy and enjoys motherhood greatly, but if she does experience depression it’s important that she knows how to spot the signs and how to get help.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. 99% of the time, if someone is sharing their personal experience of a very emotional time in their life, they are not the bad guy.. You are such a strong person to open up about that!

[Reddit User] − NTA, pregnancy was terrible for me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t excited for others and happy to hear how well they were doing. More than likely it’s her pregnancy hormones, though that doesn’t invalidate her feelings. You can issue an apology if you’d like “I’m sorry I upset you.

I’m used to our open relationship and wanted to be honest with you. I didn’t take into consideration how excited you are with your journey and how hearing my opposite experience was upsetting. My pregnancy and birth journey in no way affect the happiness and love I felt watching and engaging with you growing up.

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You were very much wanted and has nothing to do with the negative feelings my own body made me feel” I’m not sure if this is true for you, but I’d relive all the misery again to keep my LO happy. I was miserable, struggles to eat, drink water, sleep, everything. But I’d do it over and over for her.

Edit: she all eventually come around if you guys do have the relationship you painted. When she’s calmer she will likely understand your point of view more, even if it hurts. Do you at all regret not taking pictures or filling out those pages? If so that can be expressed as well. I didn’t want to in those moments, but looking back I wish I would have.

Whole_Mechanic_8143 − NAH - everyone reacts to pregnancy differently. You might want to share some of the mementos you kept after she was born with her and emphasize to her how much you wanted her that you willingly went through a terrifying ordeal for it.

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This saga of a mother’s truth and a daughter’s hurt highlights the power of honesty and its risks. The Redditor’s confession about hating pregnancy, meant to celebrate her daughter’s joy, sparked a rift that calls for healing. How do you share tough truths with loved ones without causing pain? Share your experiences to keep this conversation alive.

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