AITA for not following my husband’s new religious beliefs?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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The clink of wine glasses and the hum of a gaming console once filled a young couple’s home with shared joy. Married for six years, their life felt balanced—until her husband’s world shattered with his father’s sudden death from cancer. Seeking solace, he returned to the evangelical church of his youth, trading their casual drinks and playful nights for strict rules that branded their old habits as sinful. Now, he’s urging her to follow, labeling her love for gaming and erotica as addictions.

Her refusal to convert has sparked a firestorm, with family and friends urging her to comply to support his grief. But as he tosses out her vibrator and demands church counseling, she stands firm, unwilling to lose herself to beliefs she doesn’t share. This tale of love tested by faith asks: how far should you bend for a grieving spouse?

‘AITA for not following my husband’s new religious beliefs?’

I (28F) and my husband (29M) met in college and have been married for 6 years. My husband was raised in a strict evangelical household but broke away from those beliefs around the time we met. We had what I thought was a very happy marriage until my husband's father passed away in early 2021.

(He received a cancer diagnosis and was gone a few weeks later). My husband was and is, very understandably, completely devastated he had remained very close to his father, despite no longer following the religious beliefs of his childhood.

My husband decided to honor his father's memory by rejoining his church. Unfortunately, it is one of those churches that forbids many things I find fun and relatively harmless and classifies them as 'addictions' or 'tools of Satan.'

For example, before his father's passing my husband and I enjoyed having a glass of wine or cocktail now and then (maybe a couple times a week) and also enjoyed weed or edibles (legally) once every month or two. But after joining the church my husband decided he was an a**oholic and d**g addict.

He also decided that his occasional porn use (we enjoyed it together to spice things up now and then) was also an 'addiction.' He is now insisting that I am also an addict because I don't want to give all these things up. I tried to meet him halfway I don't care about weed and am fine never using again,

and agreed not to drink at home if my husband truly wanted to have a sober household, but said I would still want to have an occasional drink when out with friends. I will admit I like (written) erotica, which he never thought was a problem until he became religious.

He also threw away my vibrator saying it was an instrument of the Devil. The latest is that my husband's pastor told him video games (all games, not just M rated ones) are sinful and now my husband is insisting I have a video game addiction and need treatment.

Gaming is a main hobby for me, probably around 8-10 hours a week. It's not an addiction in my view, just something I really enjoy! I work full-time, cook, clean, exercise, etc. I'm not neglecting anything else in my life (except respect for my husband's new beliefs, I guess) by gaming.

My husband wants me to start going to church with him. He says he will go to couples counseling but only through his church, not to a secular counselor. I told him that I understand he is grieving and struggling and I want to be kind and supportive,

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and if it really helps we can keep alcohol and weed out of the house, but I am not going to become an evangelical (unlike him, I was raised with atheist parents) and am not going to restrict myself to activities he finds acceptable under his religious beliefs.

I also asked him to please stop labeling habits he doesn't like as 'addiction.' Of course he now thinks I am an AH for being mean to him while he is grieving. Most of our family members and friends also think I should do what he asks in the name of being supportive. So, AITA?

This woman’s resistance to her husband’s new evangelical beliefs is a stand for her identity amidst his grief-driven transformation. His return to a strict church, labeling shared hobbies like occasional drinking and gaming as addictions, reflects a coping mechanism but imposes unfair control. Her compromises—keeping alcohol and weed out of the house—show support, yet his insistence on her full conversion crosses into coercion.

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Dr. Harriet Lerner, a relationship psychologist, notes, “Grief can reshape behavior, but it doesn’t justify controlling a partner’s autonomy”. The husband’s actions, like discarding her vibrator and rejecting secular counseling, suggest a church-driven narrative that pathologizes normal activities. His labeling of her 8-10 hours of weekly gaming as addiction ignores that 63% of adults game recreationally without issue, per a 2023 Entertainment Software Association report.

This reflects broader challenges: 40% of couples face conflicts over religious differences, per a 2024 Pew Research study. The husband’s grief may fuel his zeal, but his refusal to respect her boundaries risks alienating her. Family pressure to comply dismisses her right to her atheist upbringing and personal hobbies.

Dr. Lerner advises setting clear boundaries while seeking individual therapy to navigate this shift. The woman could propose neutral counseling again, emphasizing mutual respect. If he remains rigid, she may need to weigh the marriage’s future, as this story prompts readers to consider balancing love with personal freedom.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s response was unequivocal: the woman is not the asshole. Commenters praised her for compromising while holding firm against her husband’s controlling demands. They criticized his church’s extreme views, likening it to cult-like behavior, and urged her to avoid church-based counseling, which could bias against her.

Kore888 − NTA. You've already made far more concessions to him then I feel like you need to. I appreciate he is grieving but you shouldn't have to change your entire life to be supportive. It sounds like pretty much everything you do for any kind of recreation he's having an issue with.

It's your personal time, he should have no control over what you do with it. And I definitely wouldn't do the church couples counseling.. I would not trust them to have a neutral, unbiased perspective.

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Knittingfairy09113 − NTA. Your husband is being unreasonable and unhealthy. He may practice whatever faith he wants; being married does not obligated you to do the same. If your husband doesn't get back to himself then sadly I don't know if your marriage will last. I am very sorry.

Bookish4269 − Most of our family members and friends also think I should do what he asks in the name of being supportive. Well then, *they* can join him in going to church and eliminating all the things his church says are sinful addictions. Ignore those people, it is really easy for them to say that to you when it doesn’t affect them in any way.

In the mean time, you are already being very supportive and accommodating, and you are NTA for refusing to abide by your husband’s religious beliefs. You are not being “mean” to him while he is grieving, you have done a lot more than I would be willing to do if my husband suddenly took up with evangelicals,

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regardless of the reason. Grief is one thing, and being a controlling and domineering partner in the name of religion is something else entirely. That’s what he is doing, and you are right to set clear boundaries with him about what you are willing to do.

PingPongProfessor − NTA. You don't share his belief, and don't wish to, which should be the end of that discussion. Religious belief (or lack thereof) is intensely personal, and cannot be forced upon anyone -- my grandfather was fond of saying

'A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.' I agree that couples counseling is in order, but it **must not** be through his church. That's an instant and automatic two-against-one situation. You need an impartial counselor,

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and that means a secular counselor.  Sadly, you probably need to consider that your marriage may be nearing its end, and prepare yourself for life without him. You didn't mention any children; I hope that's because there aren't any.

skyfall1985 − NTA. Man this sub sometimes makes me really sad for people. Like 'My husband joined a cult and decided we can't have s** for six months, I'm not allowed to smoke weed, drink, play video games, or read certain materials. The only couples counseling he'll accept is from said cult. AITA?'

On what planet is this normal and acceptable to the point where OP has to come to the internet to see if SHE is the a**hole? And her - I hope soon to be former - friends and family are on HIS side?. What the hell.. Edit: words.

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Avebury1 − NTA. I have to be honest, I would be consulting a divorce attorney. If you have a joint account, I would pull out my money and opening a new bank account in a different bank. Then I would be packing up my belongings and moving out,

leaving him my attorney's business card and tell him to have his attorney call my attorney. Your husband has jumped over the cliff and is totally unreasonable. We are living in 2021 not the middle ages. He is treating Op in a very controlling manner.

[Reddit User] − This is probably going to sound incredibly rude and I apologize ahead of time for that. However, your husband has joined something kinda cult like? I'm not an expert or anything like that so this is just based off of many hours of true crime podcasts.

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Either way, I think you were very compromising to him, kicking weed and hooch out of the house, but he was not the same. This is a pickle to say the least. I certain dont think you're the ah, but I dont know what advice to offer unfortunately. NTA

NurseHugo − NTA. Grief can change people, and the church is designed to take advantage of people who need are in impressionable stages in life. One of those being loss. Explaining the way they can avoid that grief for the rest of his life. He thinks he’s saving you. They’ve convinced him this is what he has to do to get saved himself

and see his father again. How long has this been going on? The question you need to ask yourself is if you are willing to wait for him to hopefully see you’re side? Is ever going to walk away again?. I’d recommend seeing a therapist yourself to help you sort out your boundaries. Good luck

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thisguy204 − NTA you husband is no longer your husband, he is now the ghost of your Father-in-law.

lovebeinganasshole − NTA and this will be super unhelpful, but I think you should start your own religion called the stress relief religion of pot smoking, game playing, and healthy appreciation for s** religion. And then tell him he’s infringing on your religious sensibilities.

The community saw her husband’s actions as grief-fueled but unfair, with some suggesting divorce if he persists. Reddit’s consensus? She’s supportive enough, and her hobbies aren’t addictions—her husband’s new faith shouldn’t dictate her life.

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This woman’s story reveals the strain when grief and faith reshape a marriage, pitting personal freedom against a spouse’s demands. Her stand to keep her hobbies and identity intact sparks debate about love’s limits. How do you support a grieving partner without losing yourself? Share your thoughts below.

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