AITA for telling my mom she should have bought a different child?

Every family carries its share of hopes, but for a 19-year-old adoptee, each new medical label felt like a heavier weight on her mother’s heart. Over the years, she accumulated diagnoses—ADHD, anxiety, depression, dyscalculia, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, and most recently, autism. What started as parental concern gradually curdled into resentment, until a routine specialist visit spiraled into a sobbing confession: “You’re more work than I expected.”

In the quiet aftermath, the daughter’s world tilted. When her mother finally admitted, “You were a bad investment,” years of invalidation erupted into a single, scorching reply: “You should’ve bought a different kid.” Overnight, the teenager’s refuge became fractured—her family lineup splitting into defenders, critics, and the stunned middle.

‘AITA for telling my mom she should have bought a different child?’

“Managing family dynamics after a chronic diagnosis can feel like sailing into uncharted waters,” notes Dr. Tony Attwood, a leading clinical psychologist specializing in autism spectrum disorders. In families unprepared for neurodiversity, parents may experience grief for “lost” expectations. This grief isn’t inherently malicious—it’s a reaction to shattered hopes—but without proper support, it can morph into resentment, leaving children feeling devalued.

Transitioning from individual pain to a broader lens, research from the Autism Society shows that up to 60% of parents of newly diagnosed autistic adolescents report elevated stress levels and feelings of inadequacy within the first year of diagnosis (autism-society.org). When a parent views a child as an “investment,” it reduces the bond to a transaction, undermining the unconditional love essential for healthy development.

As Dr. Emily Deans, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School, explains, “Parental validation of a child’s challenges doubles as emotional scaffolding—without it, kids may internalize stigma and shame” (harvardmagazine.com). In this case, invalidation at each diagnosis compounded the daughter’s anxiety, reinforcing a belief that her worth hinged on her utility rather than her intrinsic value.

To rebuild trust, experts recommend family therapy, where both parent and child learn to express grief and hope in safe, guided sessions. Practical strategies include reframing challenges as shared goals, celebrating small milestones—like mastering a math problem despite dyscalculia—and utilizing support networks, from Adoptive Families Association to local disability advocacy groups. These steps can transform “investment” narratives into mutual journeys of resilience.

Check out how the community responded:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid and humorous:

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality?

No family portrait is without its cracks, and when love feels conditional, every diagnosis echoes a question of belonging. What would you do if a loved one treated you like an expense rather than a person? Have you ever faced invalidation after a health scare or diagnosis? Share your stories and advice below—because real support begins with honest conversation.