AITA for telling my sister that her fiancé used to be gay?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A whirlwind engagement unraveled when a brother’s discovery turned a backyard wedding into a family feud. Picture a cozy family home, buzzing with plans for a young bride-to-be, until her brother, scrolling through Facebook, recognized her fiancé from his past at gay bars. The revelation that the fiancé once identified as gay—information he withheld—sent shockwaves through the family, leaving the sister heartbroken and the wedding off.

The brother’s choice to speak up, driven by loyalty, sparked a firestorm. His parents fume, blaming him for meddling, while Reddit debates the ethics of his actions. Was he protecting his sister or crossing a line by outing someone? This tale dives into trust, secrets, and the messy bonds of family, pulling readers into a drama where truth comes at a cost.

‘AITA for telling my sister that her fiancé used to be gay?’

My sister 20(f) announced that she was getting married on the 17th of January and said that the wedding would be taking place on the 16th of February. It was supposed to just be a simple backyard wedding. Neither I or my parents (who she lives with) thought that she was seriously dating anybody.

She was supposed to be transferring from community college to university next academic year. My parents seemed concerned but supportive of her. I live in large city about four hours away from them, so I arranged to go home for this surprise wedding.

I looked at pictures of fiancé on Facebook. He is my age (27). I am gay, and I could swear that I recognized him from gay bars that I used to frequent in the area. I wasn’t sure so I planned to talk to some old friends in town to see if they would confirm.. I ended up being able to go home on the 11th, five days before the wedding.. I talked to several people,

and they confirmed. I even talked to several people that slept with him. I know this is just gossip, but many people think he got saved. He even kind of confirmed it when I asked him about it. So I’m wondering if my little sister knows about this. I decide to confront him.

I asked him if he used to frequent the bar. I could tell he was surprised that I knew, but he said yes. He said that he had changed and this was the life he wanted (with my sister). He told me that he was buying a house for them, and wanted to have kids. I didn’t buy it so I gave him one day to tell my sister, or I was going to tell her.

Two days came and went and he didn’t tell her. I told her this morning. She didn’t believe me at first, but i gave her the contact info of some of his past partners. She is very hurt, and has called off the wedding. My parents have spent a couple hundred dollars for the wedding. I have offered to pay this back to them.

They are pissed off at me for interfering, even knowing the circumstances. They have told several family members that I ruined my sisters wedding. This confuses me. Obviously based on the reaction, this information was valuable to my sister. It has me questioning my perspective. Am I the a**hole for interfering here?

Revealing a fiancé’s hidden past is a gut-punch to trust, especially when it reshapes a sister’s future. The OP’s decision to inform his sister about her fiancé’s gay history wasn’t about gossip—it was about ensuring she had the full picture before marriage. The fiancé’s claim of having “changed” through conversion-like beliefs raises red flags, as his silence suggests deception, clashing with the sister’s right to transparency.

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This situation taps into broader issues of honesty in relationships. A 2023 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (link) found that 65% of couples cite undisclosed personal histories as a major trust breaker. The fiancé’s failure to disclose, especially with a rushed wedding timeline, risked future heartbreak, validating the OP’s concern.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert, notes in Psychology Today (link), “Full disclosure of significant past experiences is critical for informed consent in marriage.” The OP’s ultimatum gave the fiancé a chance to come clean, which he dodged. For the sister, this truth was a dealbreaker, proving its weight. The OP should stand by his choice but offer support to his sister’s healing.

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Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit gang didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of support and hot takes like a family reunion gone wild. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the community:

[Reddit User] − NTA.. I'm gay, for the record before i'm attacked. No, it's not okay to out someone. BUT, on the reverse side, the op is trying to protect his sister.. The fiance essentially converted to being straight and that's not how sexuality works.

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I've seen and heard of a lot of guys deciding not to be gay, getting married and having children then years in finally accepting then breaking up the marriage. Or in an even worse case, cheating on the wife.. OP would be a terrible brother if he didn't let his sister make a decision knowing the whole story.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Maybe he's bisexual or experimenting... that's his prerogative. And usually, no outing people isn't a great thing to do. But if he's lying to your sister or just using her as a beard, then yeah I think she has a right to know about that.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Saved your sister's ass. Lets say he is actually gay: That will blow up one day, either through resentment, cheating, or a divorce over some time. If he's bi: He lied about a major aspect of himself to his future wife and if he's willing to hide that then it might not be 'over' for him as far as dudes go.

Rizzie24 − NTA - that’s kind of important information to keep from your fiancée. He was lying to her, and lying to himself. Not to mention that “conversion therapy” is shameful, abusive and cruel.... and doesn’t work. You did them both a big favour.

allcatsarethebestcat − NTA. I think too many people here are getting caught up on you 'outing' him and that's a sensitive topic because people can literally lose their lives in that type of situation. However, with you being gay, I think we can safely say that you knew outing him to your family was not going to create that type of situation.

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The reason I vote NTA - he was straight up lying to your sister. This sort of thing in his past was obviously a deal breaker for your sister since she ended up calling off the wedding when told. He shouldn't have lied about such a massive part of his life. You did the right thing by looking out for your sister. You even gave him an opportunity to tell her himself and he chose not to.

WaDaEp − NTA. What you said downthread worries me about his status: 'Like he got saved by Christ and left his sinful past behind,' 'He didn’t say he was bisexual, he said that he “changed,” and the fact that after you gave him the opportunity to tell your sister before the wedding, he didn't.

They should have had this discussion long ago. I'm kind of suspicious about there having been only 1 month between the announcement and wedding, especially with this type of secret situation going on.

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Was it just in case he got cold feet and changed his mind? It was fair that your sister be informed of the circumstances of what she was getting into so that she could make an informed decision whether to go ahead with the marriage or not.

[Reddit User] − INFO: what do you mean when you say ‘he got saved’?

Lilliekins − NTA. You saved your sister a lifetime of heartache.

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NoeTellusom − NTA Oh boy, I was in such a similar situation. Exboyfriend got together with a childhood friend, I met her and she wasn't even subtle in checking me out, totally pinged the gayday for us all. We warned him so many times - she's a lesbian, do not get involved with her.

He basically threw the 'you're just bitter' and cut ties with me. Sigh. So of course, he married her. Flash forward ten years, she'd been cheating on him with women and he's now calling me to vent. Absolutely tore him to pieces.

And no, we didn't pull the 'told you so card'. We're not that kind of friend.. Conversion therapy doesn't work. Christ-conversion doesn't work. I'm so glad your sister was spared all that. I'm sorry for her ex and hope he grows out of this into a happy gay man again.

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diehardmoderate − INFO: how exactly did you tell your sister? Was it more of 'this dude used to be gay' or 'just checking you had this info and have discussed it with your partner.' Basically I am trying to assess whether you presented him as a closeted gay man or more neutrally that he had gay relationships in the past and you wanted to make sure she knew.

In the large majority of cases, it is not cool to out someone but it seems apparent that he never discussed his previous experience with his partner and that isn't cool for a future spouse. Adding in your sister's age, the age gap, the seemingly short dating time, and the possibility of 'being saved' and you might be in the clear depending on how you told her.
Redditors largely backed the OP, praising his loyalty while slamming the fiancé’s secrecy. Some debated the ethics of outing, but most agreed the sister deserved the truth. Do these takes capture the full complexity, or are they too quick to judge? This wedding drama has sparked a fiery debate about loyalty and trust.

This family saga shows how truth can both save and shatter. The OP’s choice to protect his sister cost her a wedding but spared her potential betrayal. It’s a stark reminder that secrets in relationships rarely stay buried. How would you balance loyalty to family with respecting someone’s privacy? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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