AITA for paying for my younger daughter’s wedding dress and not my older daughter’s dress?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a sunlit bridal boutique, the air buzzes with anticipation as a mother watches her daughters twirl in wedding gowns. But beneath the sparkle of sequins lies a brewing storm. A mom’s offer to fund half a wedding dress—tied to her personal pick—ignites family drama, leaving sisters at odds and emotions raw.

What starts as a generous gesture morphs into accusations of control. Readers can’t help but wonder: is this mom a savvy gift-giver or a puppeteer pulling strings on her daughters’ big day?

‘AITA for paying for my younger daughter’s wedding dress and not my older daughter’s dress?’

I have 3 grown children (son, daughter, daughter). I don't have enough money to give them all $50K for a wedding. So I told them that I can give them $3K each and help with any DIY projects. When my son got married three years ago, his wife was such a sweetheart and invited me to go dress shopping with her family.

I was happy to go and enjoyed the time. My daughter-in-law found her dream dress and then we looked at veils. She was going back and forth between two veils that were both over budget. I had one that I preferred so I offered to pay for it as a gift if she chose it.

My daughter-in-law was happy to get the $400 cathedral veil for free and I was happy to give it to her. My son's mother-in-law thanked me for my generosity and I said it was my pleasure. This was a great way for me to have some input on the wedding in a way that benefits everyone.

Two years ago was my older daughter's wedding. I gave her & her husband $3K and spent an afternoon working on invitations with her. When we all went dress shopping (both daughters, myself, my mom) my daughter was indecisive but I really loved one specific dress. It was $2300 and gorgeous/timeless.

I told my daughter that I would pay for half the dress if she chose it. My daughter was very tempted but she went with a different dress. She asked 'So mom, let's go splitsies?' and I said no. The 50/50 offer was for one specific dress that she did not chose, she got upset and said I was trying to manipulate her.

Except I hadn't pressured her at all, I made my offer only once! I accepted that she wanted another dress which is completely understandable. But the offer was specifically for this one dress. My daughter was upset and claimed that it was unfair and if I have the money I should give it to her.

The whole thing was embarrassing coming from a nearly 30 year old adult woman who was about to be a married woman. It was a sensitive topic for a while but everything blew over before the wedding. And now my youngest child is engaged for a late 2021 wedding.

We went dress shopping just a few days ago. She asked all of us there to pick out a dress for her to try. I fell in LOVE with a dress that was a bit more princess-y than my daughter originally had in mind but I made the same offer as I did to my older daughter: I'll pay for half of THIS dress.

ADVERTISEMENT

After trying on a whole bunch of dresses, my youngest daughter asked us all what we thought and I reiterated my original offer: I'll pay for half of THAT dress. The prospect of a 1/2 off dress was good enough for her to take it. So she bought the dress that I had picked out for her & I paid for half of it.

My older daughter was VERY upset. She said it's unfair and that is manipulative. Except I didn't bring it up constantly to either of them, I just made a simple offer and gave them the option to take it up. But now we're in a situation where both sisters are upset with each other and my daughter is upset with me.

ADVERTISEMENT

Wedding planning can feel like navigating a minefield of emotions and expectations. This mom’s dress offer, though well-intentioned, stirred a hornet’s nest. Her older daughter saw it as manipulation, while the younger saw a sweet deal. Both perspectives hold water: the mom wanted input, but her daughters craved autonomy.

Dr. Susan Whitbourne, a psychology professor, notes in a Psychology Today article, “Family conflicts often escalate when control battles overshadow love.” Here, the mom’s conditional offer felt like a power play, especially to her older daughter, who valued her independence. The younger daughter, swayed by savings, may later resent her choice.

ADVERTISEMENT

This saga reflects a broader issue: parental influence versus adult children’s agency. A 2020 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found 68% of newlyweds felt parental pressure during wedding planning, often over finances. The mom’s offer, tied to her taste, risks overshadowing her daughters’ visions.

For solutions, open dialogue is key. The mom could have offered a budget for any dress, fostering trust. Moving forward, family mediation could mend ties, ensuring all feel heard without strings attached.

ADVERTISEMENT

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s verdict? A chorus of “YTA” (You’re The Asshole) with a dash of wit! Here’s what the community dished out:

SlartieB − YTA for only making the offer for the specific dress that fits your tastes and not what your daughters wanted. It's manipulative.

Bekah_grace96 − Yes, big YTA. I definitely get the sense you’re telling an edited version of the story, especially since you didn’t mention the price of the second dress. These weren’t your wedding dresses. It was wrong of you to use your money to try to make either of your daughters choose a specific dress, that *is* manipulative.

ADVERTISEMENT

You chose the dresses you liked and used your better financial situation to attempt to force them into a choice that should have just been there’s. You should have just been supportive of whatever was their dream, not yours.

FourLeafClover0 − YTA. The goal of you contributing money shouldn’t be to “have some input on the wedding”. It should be to contribute towards your daughters getting the wedding that THEY want.

lincmidd − YTA. Your older daughter is right, you are manipulative and controlling. “Choose the veil I like and I’ll pay for it.” “It’s your wedding and your dress but pick the dress I like and I will pay for it.” That’s the definition of controlling and manipulating with money. You didn’t even consider options, your choice of dress or nothing.

ADVERTISEMENT

I don’t know what else to say other than YTA, a major ahole engendering resentment in your kids, probably even the younger daughter. When she looks back on wedding photos and remembers how she preferred another dress but you used money to coerce her in to wearing the dress YOU wanted. How much are you going to pay them to let you name their kids?

nannylive − Hmmm YTA, disguised as Lady Bountiful. You were not unfair, exactly, you treated the daughters the same. but you ARE somewhat controlling and overbearing. You are willing to pay extra for influence, I guess.

danyell0w − YTA, you're delusional if you dont think you are obviously trying to manipulate them into getting a dress they dont feel is right. Even just saying the 'offer' one time, doesnt make it any less s**tty. Wow.

ADVERTISEMENT

justliketheotherone − YTA and absolutely 100% manipulative, using money as a means to pressure your kids into picking particular wedding dresses that you like. How pathetic and shallow. It’s their wedding not yours, you should have been happy to help both your daughters to buy the dresses that *they* wanted for their wedding days with no hidden agenda.

Yes, it’s your money and you can do with it what you like. But what you did with it was absolutely manipulative and n**ty and hurtful, and your daughter has every right to be upset. I hope being petty over what dresses your daughters wore to their weddings was worth the serous damage you’ve done to your relationship with at least one of them, and possibly both.

EDIT: I’m also willing to bet this wasn’t an isolated incident and you have a track record of attempting to manipulate your kids in this way, since in your comments and post you’re arguing that you can’t possibly see how what you did would every be wrong. This might have proved the last straw for your poor oldest daughter.

ADVERTISEMENT

lamante − YTA. I can only IMAGINE your nerve. My mother, a class-A narcissist, used financial manipulation to weaponize my wedding. As she wanted, she ruined it. She also put the nail in the coffin that our relationship had been lying in for some time, yet wonders why I don't call anymore. I can't even look at my wedding photos without getting sick. You need a therapist, not a checkbook with which to weaponize one of the biggest moments of your daughters' lives with.

WayiiTM − YTA. You used a significant amount of cash to manipulate both of your daughters AND your son's wife to wear what YOU wanted to THEIR weddings, making THEIR big deal thing about you and what you wanted. One daughter opted to wear what SHE wanted rather than letting you dress her and you punished her by refusing to help with the dress.

These aren't dolls you can dress up like breathing barbies to live vicariously through for your personal gratification. They are your daughters (+in law). You might think what you were doing was generous and charming but it honestly was just self serving and disrespectful.

ADVERTISEMENT

princessro123 − what the actual f**k?????? hard YTA. you would rather ur daughter get married in the dress you like best than the one she feels best in? that’s beyond f**ked up and controlling. it’s her day, not yours, why does it matter what dress she choose? if my mom pulled some s**t like this about MY special day i’d tell her to stay tf home.

These spicy takes highlight Reddit’s knack for calling out control. But do they capture the full story, or are they just keyboard crusaders?

This wedding dress debacle leaves us pondering: where’s the line between generosity and control? The mom’s heart may have been in the right place, but her approach frayed family ties. What would you do if faced with a similar offer? Share your thoughts below—have you navigated family drama over wedding plans?

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *