AITA for telling my parents I don’t care about what’s going on with my brothers life when they tried to tell me he was sick?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet suburban home, the air grew thick with tension as a family dinner took a sharp turn. A 34-year-old man, now a father and husband, faced his parents’ attempt to break a 12-year silence about his estranged brother. The past still stung—a betrayal from his youth that left scars too deep to heal. His firm rule: don’t mention his brother. But when his parents pressed, his sharp words sparked a firestorm, revealing a hidden truth that shook the family.

The man’s story, shared on Reddit’s AITA forum, pulls readers into a tangle of loyalty, grudges, and unspoken pain. His refusal to hear about his brother’s life clashed with his parents’ quiet desperation, leaving everyone raw. Was he wrong to stand his ground, or was his boundary a shield worth keeping? Let’s dive into this messy family saga.

‘AITA for telling my parents I don’t care about what’s going on with my brothers life when they tried to tell me he was sick?’

I'm 34 and my brother is 32. It's been 12 years since we last spoke after I found out he was sleeping with my ex-girlfriend (then current girlfriend) and had knocked her up. I cut him off there and then and told him he was dead to me. I have stayed true to that as well.

We might have been young, he might have been dumb, but he betrayed me and I have no desire to give him a second chance. I'm happily married, have kids, and a good life. My family have been good with respecting my 'don't tell me about brother' rule.

Then a few weeks ago my parents brought him up in conversation and I shut down the conversation by telling them I don't care about what's going on with his life. I said I was still done with him and he was still dead to me.. My parents walked away from me, furious.

Found out a few days later that my brother is sick and that's what they were trying to tell me. They still haven't forgiven me and the rest of the family called me an AH for shutting them down like I did, and using the words I did when there is a very significant chance he's not going to survive his illness.. AITA?. Edited to add clarification.

Family estrangement is a jagged wound, and this story cuts deep. “When trust is shattered, especially by betrayal, it’s natural to build walls,” says Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in family dynamics. In his book, Rules of Estrangement , he notes that 27% of Americans are estranged from a family member, often due to betrayals like infidelity.

The OP’s pain is clear: his brother’s affair with his then-girlfriend and her pregnancy was a double blow. His choice to go no-contact for 12 years reflects a need for self-protection. Yet, his parents, respecting his boundary for over a decade, likely felt torn as their son faced a life-threatening illness. Their attempt to share this news wasn’t about reconciliation but about giving the OP a chance to choose.

Coleman suggests, “Parents in these situations often feel caught between loyalty to both children.” The OP’s harsh words—“he’s dead to me”—likely stung, amplifying their grief. A softer response, like acknowledging their pain while holding his stance, could have eased the tension. Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated” . The OP’s boundary is valid, but empathy for his parents’ loss could bridge the gap.

For those in similar rifts, Coleman advises small steps: listen without committing, validate others’ pain, and reflect on what closure means. The OP doesn’t owe his brother forgiveness, but supporting his parents through their grief could preserve their bond.

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See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of cheers and jeers for the OP. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

ThomzLC − NTA - he did an unforgivable deed to you and you cut him off. Your family needs to respect this.

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DeVitreousHumor − YTA. Toward your parents, not your brother. They’ve been really good about respecting your wish to not speak of him, so when they brought him up out of the blue after all these years, you could have guessed they had good reason. Also, since you mention having kids of your own in one of the comments,

maybe stop and think how it would make you feel to hear anyone say “he’s dead to me” about one of your kids. Even if that kid *weren’t* seriously ill. I’m not saying you need to reconcile with your brother, but I think you do owe your parents an apology for shutting them down using those words.

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RestAlternative5402 − mild YTA. If your parents have respected your choice to cut him off for 12 years, harshly shutting them down before they could say anything seems unnecessary and disrespectful. They were trying to inform you of something most people in your position probably (imo) would still want to be made aware of - it’s fine if that changes nothing,

but if they just let him die (assuming it’s that degree of “sick” rather than a cold) without ever mentioning it to you, there would be many here ready to call them TA for not letting you make you own choice with all the facts.

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Etiacruelworld − Info: you’ve basically told your parents they can’t get any emotional support from you, so if he dies how do you see this playing out relationship wise with them. Because as you said he is still their son

FlamingCupcakess − YTA, I don't talk with my brother for a very different set of reasons, I also never want to hear about him from my parents and they respect that. I would 100% want to hear if he was dying so I could decide MYSELF whether I want to forgive him, probably not, but I would still want to know.

Your parents are right to at least tell you, they would be AH for forcing you to speak to him or attend his funeral. They are messengers. Don't shoot them. And before you tell me cheating and knocking up your gf is worse than whatever my brother did, not its not, but I'm not airing that out on my regular account.

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charstella − NAH but your parents needing to talk about their sick and maybe dying son is understandable. They have respected your wishes for many years. They need you now to respected their needs. That does not mean you have to meet your brother it just means that you could be there for your parents losing their child.

Graycat17 − YTA. Your parents had two very good reasons to say what they did. 1. It‘s different when someone is dying. For all they knew, you may have wanted to forgive him. Or just see him and tell him you still hate him. Or just want to know. You are entitled still hate him and not care. But death is final.

They wanted you to have a choice. Correct response would have been: “I’m sorry you are going through this, but he and I don’t have a relationship and it will stay that way. I’m sorry you are going through this.” 2. This is top of mind for them.

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They are losing their child and need support. This will come up again and it’s unreasonable to expect them to act as if nothing happened, especially if he does pass.. Correct response would have been same as above. Just show some sympathy, for them not him.

Adrock_4the_Win − Probably going to get a lot of sh*t for this, but OP just sounds like a bitter AH in general. Like, ok, I get you were betrayed and I get that those feelings dont just go away. But like, 12 YEARS of NC over something incredibly dumb that he did when ya’ll were younger?

I just can’t fathom holding that kind of grudge for so long and dragging my family through the drama of it. And then acting like they don’t have the right to be upset with you when you can’t set aside your childish resentment from over a decade ago because your brother is dying and their clearly hurting?

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And probably want to give you the chance to decide for yourself if you want closure in all of this? You have a loving wife and family. Your brother is dying and probably has regretted his decision every day for the last 12 years. Obviously, you have every right to stay mad, but YOU’RE the one dying inside holding onto so much hate.

Your parents, having given the respect you requested for 12 years, have every right to be angry with you. You are being childish and will probably end up losing them too along with your brother if you don’t take a hard look at how this grudge is affecting not just you but your entire family.

Edit: my dad was extremely psychologically and physically abusive to me throughout my childhood and I’ve been NC with him for some time,but I would never DREAM telling my family to never mention his name. Nor would I freak out on them if they told me he was dying.

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BoredAF5492 − YTA kinda. While I agree it is ultimately your choice how you handle your brother, its the way your went about it. Your parents are likely having a very hard time and wanted to discuss with you whats happening and you pretty much told them, their feelings on the matter are of no concern to you.

And while its f**ked up that your brother did that to you he if the sickness is terminal he might have asked them to bring it up to try and make amends or apologize. That being said you by no means are obligated to ever forgive him.

LPOLED − NAH. It is what it is. You’re dead to him, he’s dead to you. Such is life with siblings.

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These Redditors swung from calling the OP justified to shading his harsh tone. Some saw his boundary as ironclad; others urged a touch of grace for his parents’ sake. But do these hot takes capture the full vibe, or are they just stirring the pot?

This story leaves us wrestling with tough questions about forgiveness, family, and finality. The OP’s grudge is rooted in real pain, but his parents’ grief is just as raw. As Dr. Coleman reminds us, estrangement doesn’t erase shared history—it complicates it. The OP faces a choice: hold fast or soften just enough to support his parents. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below.

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