AITA for still not talking to my aunt and uncle after finding out why they were banned from the family?

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A family secret unravels like a thread pulled from a tightly knit sweater, exposing a rift that’s both shocking and deeply personal. An 18-year-old, raised in a sprawling, seemingly close clan, discovers their aunt and uncle were shunned for nearly two decades—not for some scandalous crime, but for their atheism. The whispers, the tense holiday visits, the screaming match on the lawn—it all clicks into place, leaving them reeling in a home that suddenly feels more like a stage than a sanctuary.

This isn’t just about a family feud; it’s about grappling with betrayal, loyalty, and the cost of standing up to tradition. Their hesitation to reach out to their aunt, driven by fear of losing parental support, sparks a moral tug-of-war that Reddit dives into with empathy and fire. Join us as we unpack this tale of faith, exclusion, and the courage it takes to question family ties.

‘AITA for still not talking to my aunt and uncle after finding out why they were banned from the family?’

I have a very large and close family except for one of my aunts, who is technically a cousin but I was raised calling her aunt so...anyway. Her older dead brother is my biological father (teenage adoption). After she got married, any talk about her and her husband was done in whispers and vague remarks.

Except for one time when I was really little, they never came to holidays together except for one time that ended in a screaming match on the lawn and them peeling away. I don't know what was said but he never came to a holiday again. The only things I know of or remember about him was that he was boring and a college professor,

but that's no reason to ban someone from the family and only talk about them in whispers. I thought maybe he was a really bad guy, or they lived too far away, or that he was somehow just really ugly (kid logic), but none of those made sense.

My aunt is a fine person and has a good job and a huge family in-state to protect her. Also, if he was trying to control her, he wouldn't let her go to our family functions, especially without him. I finally got an answer out of my mother this year. What's the big secret? They're atheists.

Yeah, that's the reason for almost TWO DECADES of estrangement. They're not Christians. My aunt, who kept her lack of faith implied, married someone who was open about it. The implied atheism was apparently fine, but an open atheist was not. Half the family boycotted her wedding.

Normally she would just be 'cast out', but they tried striking a new balance with her to 'keep her in the family' after seeing how devastated her parents were at the thought of losing their only child left. Her parents agreed to ignore it, however, with larger family events, she had to agree to not bring him.

She didn't like this, so only sometimes appeared for an hour, made a round to give only me a gift, made tense small talk with the adults, and left. When she had a kid years later, things 'could have warmed',

but she refused to 'show respect and know her position' (by what would have been basically giving up custody to the family) so they fought and she cut contact for years, but then started coming back to her previous arrangement after things 'calmed down'.

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I was...shocked. I thought we were a close family, not so...surface. I didn't know that it was possible for them to be like this on anything. I want to start talking to them, but I just can't right now.

I may be over 18, but I still live at home and financially depend on my parents. I also really don't want to get cut out by the family too, especially in favor of strangers who may not want or be able to help me.

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I've told some friends of mine about this, and they're mad that I'm 'choosing to be a part of this' and say I should talk to them anyway. They say that she probably only did family stuff for me anyway, so I should be 'braver like she was'. I just can't do it. AITA?

Discovering your family banished your aunt for her husband’s atheism is like finding a crack in the foundation of your home. The 18-year-old’s shock is palpable—they thought their family was a tight-knit haven, not a tribunal enforcing religious conformity. Their hesitation to contact their aunt, tied to financial dependence and fear of ostracism, isn’t cowardice; it’s a calculated move to protect their stability. The family’s conditional acceptance of their aunt reeks of control, not love.

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This mirrors broader issues of religious exclusion. A 2021 Pew Research study found that 30% of Americans face family tension over differing beliefs, with atheism often stigmatized (Pew Research). The family’s boycott of the aunt’s wedding and insistence on sidelining her husband reflects a rigid intolerance that fractures bonds. Their “compromise” to keep her in the fold feels more like coercion.

Dr. Marlene Winell, a psychologist specializing in religious trauma, notes, “Family rejection over beliefs can cause profound identity crises, especially for young adults” (Journey Free). The poster’s fear of being cut off echoes this, amplified by their dependence. Their aunt’s brief, gift-giving visits suggest she’s reaching out, possibly for their sake.

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For now, they could explore discreet communication, like a private email, to test the waters with their aunt. When financially independent, they can pursue a fuller connection. Readers in similar binds should document family dynamics and seek supportive communities, like secular groups, to navigate stigma. Their caution isn’t betrayal—it’s survival, with room to build bridges later.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit rolled in like a crew of wise cousins, offering support with a dash of outrage at the family’s hypocrisy. It’s like a family reunion where everyone’s rooting for the underdog. Here’s the raw scoop:

rawsugar87 − NTA waiting until you’re able and old enough to afford to take care of yourself if smart.

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peterhala − I think this is a good example of the difference between simple faith and a cult. I won't offer advice, but I think you should look your family critically and clearly and be prepared to act on your conclusions.

kellendrin21 − NTA because you are financially dependent. If you think contacting them could cause you to be cut out, maybe you should wait a few years. I do feel really bad for your aunt and uncle, and I hope you eventually are able to connect with them because they did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from your family.

dreamer0303 − NTA, you don’t have to be “part of it” to stay quiet for your own sake.. You’ll be risking your own security if you reach out now. I think it’s a good idea to reach out eventually, but yes, wait. Wait until you have no one to lean on anymore.. It’s okay if you wait.

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dr-sparkle − NTA. But maybe you could reach out via email (if your computer activity is not tracked) and tell her that you would like to develop a relationship with her but that due to your situation you cannot be open about it. She may understand and be interested in communication with you.

davie_chosen1 − You’re aunt seems like a decent person and the rest of your family are a bunch of freaks

slugofentertainment − Info: have your parents implied that they would cut you off if you made contact with your aunt?

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MrGeoffAtkins − NTA - This is a sucky situation, so I get why you feel conflicted. You obviously don't feel in a position where you can risk the same fate for reaching out to your aunt. That doesn't make you an AH although it does mean you feel guilty.

Since much of your family don't have anything to do with your aunt, would you be able to contact them discreetly? Start a quiet dialogue, get to know your aunt and her husband. They might appreciate it. If you're rebuffed by them anyway, then the situation is resolved.

gestaltdude − Being curious is not a sin, so NTA. I also understand the intense familial and societal pressure that would keep you from seeking them out, particularly while you are dependent of your parents.

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Maybe, when you strike out on your own, you can make some contact with them, let them know you are interested in making a connection. If it isn't asking too much, where do you live that being an atheist is such a big deal? Don't need your street address, but knowing the country may aid in understanding.

Keladry145 − I don't understand why you said your aunt is technically your cousin, when she is actually your aunt if she is your biodads sister. But also NTA

Redditors backed the poster’s caution, slamming the family’s exclusionary tactics while urging patience until independence. Some saw the aunt’s visits as a lifeline for the poster, others called the family’s behavior cult-like. But do these takes fully grasp the weight of risking family ties, or are they just cheering from the sidelines?

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This young adult’s pause isn’t about picking sides—it’s about surviving a family that hides intolerance behind closeness. Their aunt’s banishment for atheism reveals a fragile unity, and their choice to wait reflects pragmatism, not apathy. It’s a stark reminder that family love can come with strings attached. Have you ever faced a family secret that shook your trust? Share your thoughts below—let’s unravel this tangled web together.

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