AITA if I ‘create conflict’ by forcing my MIL to apologize to my child?

Jonathan Hours
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The cozy glow of a grandmother’s house turned icy when a bag of candy sparked a family showdown. For a parent who’s raised their 7-year-old son since he was a toddler, the sting of watching their mother-in-law (MIL) single him out—again—cut deep. While her biological grandkids giggled and gorged on sweets, she snatched the boy’s candy, scolding him unfairly. The parent’s heart sank as their son’s eyes dimmed, caught in a pattern of subtle but persistent favoritism.

This wasn’t a one-off. Years of stern glances and unfair blame have piled up, despite the MIL’s claims of equal treatment. When she doubled down, blaming the child for “getting her in trouble,” the parent drew a line: no more visits until she owns her actions. But with their partner urging peace, they wonder if demanding an apology is too much. Is standing firm worth the family rift?

‘AITA if I ‘create conflict’ by forcing my MIL to apologize to my child?’

MY 7 year old is not biologically mine or my SO’s. I’ve raised him since he was one and met my SO when he was two. The issue is with my MIL. Although she always makes sure she buys all the grandchildren the same things I feel like she treats my child different than her bio grandkids.

To her, everything my child does is wrong and everything the other grandkids do is cute/funny even when they’re cussing or talking back, etc which my child never does. So yesterday we are over her house and all the kids had a bag of candy. The bio kids ate theirs pretty quickly but my kid went back and forth from eating it to playing.

Well my MIL tells him that he had enough candy for the day and took it from him which I didn’t know until we were about to leave. As we are getting ready to go my child asks me if he can get his candy to take him. I said yes of course. MIL sees him getting the candy and starts yelling at him that she told him he couldn’t have anymore. I told her that I said he could get it and he wasn’t trying to eat it anyway.

Instead of just letting it go and admitting she was wrong she continues to yell that she told him not to do it. My SO gets upset and starts yelling and arguing with her about how she always treats our child different. I pointed out that on Easter my child left his candy at her house and she yelled at him about how he needed to remember his stuff and when he tries to do that he stills gets in trouble. He cannot win with her.

She then calls my child over (I’m assuming to apologize but noooo) and tells him HE can’t have candy at her house because HE always gets HER in trouble! This isn’t the first instance of this and little stuff like this has happened for years. She always says she doesn’t treat them differently because she buys them all the same things, but she is always playful with the other kids and stern with my child.

They could all do the same things and my child will be the only one called out.  Even though my SO agrees with me about this he always wants to make up with her right away and smooth things over but nothing gets solved. I on the other hand,

feel like she doesn’t need to be around my child and we should all ignore her until she apologizes not just for what she did yesterday but acknowledges what she does in general and apologizes for how she treats him to HIM. My SO feels like I’m being an a**hole for handling it that way and that it will make the situation worse and create more conflict but I’m just tired of it. So AITA?

Edit: A lot of people are assuming this has been going on since he was two, I probably should have made a few things clearer. We did not live in the same state as SO family until almost two years ago (hence saying it’s happened for years) and all communication before then was over the phone/video chat and the few times we would go visit. Nothing abnormal occurred during those times.

We still go months without seeing MIL at times. I didn’t really notice any unsettling behavior prior to this year but after I began noticing, I looked back and noticed more and more subtle things that didn’t feel right that had occurred in the past. Since we noticed, when we see something we don’t like we do immediately call it out and put an end to it right then but then of course, usually months later, the behavior reappears.

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Family gatherings should feel like warm hugs, but this MIL’s favoritism turned them into a cold shoulder for one child. Her harshness—yelling over candy while excusing similar antics from biological grandkids— reeks of bias, wounding a 7-year-old’s sense of belonging. The parent’s demand for an apology is a stand for fairness, but the MIL’s deflection and the partner’s push for peace complicate resolution.

This reflects a broader issue: favoritism in blended families. A 2020 study in Journal of Family Psychology found that 35% of stepchildren feel less favored than biological siblings, impacting self-esteem (source). The MIL’s actions, though not overtly cruel, chip away at the child’s confidence, especially when unchecked.

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Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes, “Unaddressed favoritism in blended families creates lasting emotional scars. Acknowledgment and change are critical” (source). Here, the MIL’s refusal to admit fault deepens the harm. An apology could model accountability for the child.

The parent should limit contact until the MIL shows genuine remorse, perhaps through a written apology to the child. Family therapy could help, as could open talks with the partner to align on protecting the child.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit brought the heat, rallying behind the parent with a mix of outrage and empathy. Here’s a peek at their unfiltered takes, served with a side of righteous indignation:

Moggetti − NTA. Quite candidly, I’m not sure what you think an apology is going to achieve. You’re exposing your kid to regular emotional abuse. Your MiL mouthing an apology at him isn’t going to fix the situation. If your SO wants to spend time with his mother, that’s his choice, but I’m not seeing how being around this woman is healthy or worthwhile for you or your kid.

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princessofperky − NTA please stand up for your kid. They notice and they will remember. Maybe some distance from her isn't a bad idea

[Reddit User] − ESH your MIL for obvious reasons, but you and your husband also for exposing your kid to this treatment all this time. You think it’s not going to do damage to him to be treated like this while watching his cousins be fawned over? Step up and make it clear that you don’t have a relationship with people who don’t treat their child properly and follow through if you don’t see improvement!

SpicyMayoGuy − NTA - your MIL sounds toxic and if she's seriously not going to acknowledge that she treats your child poorly, then why bother interacting with her. I'd say protect your child from her. Your kid derseves better treatment and no sense in exposing them to your MIL anymore than they need to.

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eclecticallymessy − NTA but you definitely need to keep the kid out of that environment. You have no idea the lasting damage and pain it is causing. My only living grandparents were tyrants to me and my brothers, but especially me. I can still remember all the times I would be crying as I got yelled at and didn’t know why.

I can remember just wishing my grandparents would love me even a little bit like they loved my cousins. Years have gone by and after a long time of NC and some growth, I talk to my grandparents regularly. I was so grateful at 7 when we went NC because I no longer had to get yelled at or fight for love and attention. NC is better than abusive contact.. Edit: a word

ChungusMcGoodboy − NTA. I can understand that your partner might want to avoid conflict but all he will really be doing is teaching your child that it is okay for people to treat them in demeaning and hurtful ways.

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You would only be doing your job as a parent by teaching your child that they deserve respect ESPECIALLY from family members. Your MIL is acting like a child, talking about how your literal child got her, a grown ass woman, in trouble. It's sad that she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions.

-blaire- − ESH, except for your son. It's obvious your MIL is an a**hole in this situation. She's emotionally abusive, and like you said, your child can never win with her. It's so unreasonable when grandparents favor the biological kids over the adopted kids. However, the elderly do tend to harbor old-fashioned and backwards views, so I can't say I'm surprised by how your MIL is acting.

However, you and your husbands are also assholes. You and your husband are **allowing** your MIL to emotionally abuse your son. It'd be different if you had no idea about this, but you stated it's a frequent occurrence for her to literally verbally and emotionally abuse your son and you and your husband **know** about it. Honestly, I'm more concerned about your behavior than your MIL's.

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Why do you expose your son to people that are toxic for him, whether they be family or not? A simple apology isn't going to fix this and magically make everything better. You, your husband, and your MIL know that, or at least your MIL does, which is why it hasn't happened yet.

Regardless of if she apologizes, it should be common sense that she's still going to hate your son, whether you like it or not. Honestly, all of the adults in this situation are a complete mess. You need to cut contact with your MIL or at least not allow your son to talk to her.

WaDaEp − NTA.. Imo, your first priority is to protect your son. It isn't to protect your SO's relationship with his mother.. This isn’t the first instance of this and little stuff like this has happened for years. Even though my SO agrees with me about this he always wants to make up with her right away and smooth things over but nothing gets solved.

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My SO feels like I’m being an a**hole for handling it that way and that it will make the situation worse and create more conflict but I’m just tired of it.. It's going to cause trouble for whom? Your SO? Imo, it looks like he's going to protect his relationship with his mother more than he's going to protect your son from his mother.

That's your SO's priority here. That's what is more important to him. I'm sad for your son that you guys have let this go on for years. You should have stopped taking him to see your MIL long ago, imo. She should not be yelling at him and you shouldn't have kept exposing that type of abusive person to your son.. AITA if I ‘create conflict’ by forcing my MIL to apologize to my child?

I don't know if she's ever going to apologize or change, especially when your SO isn't completely on the side of your son and he (your SO) is more concerned about what his mother is going to think of him (the SO).

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mmousey − NTA You cannot repeatedly allow your child to be hurt to keep SO happy. SO can play with MIL all he wants. Your little one is not obligated to suffer abuse to keep SO happy. The apology, even if it comes along, will be insincere. Are you planning to have bio kids with your SO because holy future Pandora's box!?

AcerbicUserName − Nta- please consider going no contact with your mother in law and not allowing her to see your son. She shouldn’t get the privilege of knowing him if she’s just going to emotionally abuse him.

These Redditors aren’t holding back, but do their calls for no contact or tough love miss the mark, or hit it dead-on? What’s the best way to protect a child’s heart here?

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This candy-coated clash reveals the bitter truth about favoritism’s sting. The parent’s push for an apology is a shield for their son, but the family’s resistance casts a shadow. Should they hold firm, risking deeper rifts, or seek a softer path to healing? Protecting a child’s spirit comes first, but how? Share your thoughts—what would you do if your child faced a grandparent’s unfair wrath?

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