AITA for telling my kids to borrow money from their sister, not me?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a sunny Bay Area suburb, where the cost of living pinches even six-figure salaries, a family dinner table became the stage for a financial feud. A parent, caught between their children’s dreams and their own empty wallet, made a bold move that lit a fuse among siblings. The decision to redirect their sons’ pleas for cash to their thriving daughter, Elisa, stirred a storm of resentment, leaving everyone questioning loyalty and fairness.

Now, as the dust settles, the parent’s choice has sparked a lively debate online. With money tight and family ties tighter, the Reddit community dove into this tale of sibling dynamics, entitlement, and the awkward dance of asking for help. Let’s unpack this drama, from the original plea to the fiery fallout, and see what wisdom the crowd and experts can offer.

‘AITA for telling my kids to borrow money from their sister, not me?’

I have 4 kids, Carmen (32), Elisa (28), Michael (26), and Andrew (21). Carmen and Michael are both lower middle class. Carmen is a single mom of 2 and works as a nurse. Michael and his wife are teachers and are expecting their first child. Carmen makes $100k Michael and his wife make a little over $100k combined and we live in California near the Bay Area, where 100k is considered low income.

Elisa is a nanny for an extremely rich family. I don't know if she's considered live in because she lives in a separate house but on the same property. She makes $250k per year plus bonuses, doesn't pay for rent or utilities, rarely buys groceries because she always eats with the family, they bought her a brand new car, they pay for her gas, maintenance, all of her medical, dental, vision, etc.

is 100% paid for by the family. Hell, they even pay for her gym membership and her vacations. She's worked for them for 2 years now and recently bought a rental building in cash. Needless to say, she's doing very well for herself. Michael and Andrew just asked me for money.

Michael needs $30k for part of a down payment for a townhouse and Andrew wants $10k so he could graduate with no debt. I told them to ask Elisa for money, not me, and that she could easily afford to help them out. Elisa called me the other day asking what I said to her brothers because now they're both asking her for money.

I told her what I told them and she yelled at me for 'volunteering' her to help with her brothers' expenses. I told her that I never said she would help them, I just said that she easily could. She said she doesn't feel comfortable loaning money to family because she doesn't want to risk their relationship if they don't pay her back.

I told her it shouldn't be a big deal if they don't pay her back because we know her Christmas bonus will be close to double what her brothers want, plus if she says no she could potentially risk her relationship with her brothers because she can afford it. She hung up on me and hasn't spoken to me since then so I wanted to know if I was the a**hole.

Navigating family money requests can feel like tiptoeing through a minefield. In this case, the parent’s decision to point their sons toward Elisa’s deep pockets has created a rift. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family therapist, notes in his work on family dynamics, “When trust is breached, even unintentionally, relationships suffer” . Here, the parent’s assumption about Elisa’s wealth risks eroding sibling bonds.

The parent’s logic hinges on Elisa’s financial success, but this overlooks her right to set boundaries. Elisa’s high-paying nanny role, while lucrative, is demanding and temporary, as Reddit users pointed out. Her choice to invest in a rental property reflects foresight, not obligation to fund her brothers’ goals. The parent’s suggestion, while practical in their mind, dismisses Elisa’s autonomy, creating tension.

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This situation highlights a broader issue: family entitlement. A 2023 study from the Journal of Family Issues found that 68% of sibling conflicts involve perceived unfairness in resource distribution . The parent’s actions, though not malicious, fuel this dynamic by implying Elisa owes her siblings support.

Dr. Gottman advises open communication to rebuild trust. The parent should apologize to Elisa, acknowledging her right to decide. For Michael and Andrew, exploring loans or side hustles could ease their financial strain without family drama. Respecting boundaries now can preserve sibling harmony for the future.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of shade and wisdom. From calling out the parent’s meddling to defending Elisa’s hard-earned cash, the comments were a rollercoaster of wit and tough love. Here’s what the community had to say:

[Reddit User] − YTA. You basically reviewed your daughter’s finances and deemed that she can afford to give thousands of dollars to your children…without even speaking to her. You could’ve simply said no to your sons! Instead you created family drama among your children!

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If I was her I wouldn’t share any if my business with you ever again. You seem to hold her success against her…she worked her ass off and made sacrifices to plan for her future. Working with wealthy people is exhausting. They are demanding and fickle. Kids are work, too. Ugh!!!

WattHeffer − YTA. Beyond what everyone else has said, being a nanny is by definition a time limited job. The kids grow out of needing that level of care. The employer's circumstances change. Elisa may never again be so fortunate. She is wisely investing (in the rental property) and preparing for her own future.

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GlitterSparkleDevine − Why are you offering up your daughter's money to other people like it's your own? Especially for non emergency situations that there are other options for. YTA

Straight-Singer-2912 − YTA. This can't be for real, can it? You really sent your children to their sibling for money?. If you can help Michael and Andrew - help them. If you can't, **tell them you can't**. It sounds like you resent Elisa, don't want to admit that you can't/won't help out your two younger boys,

and then fumfered around with '*well, I never said you WOULD help them*' which is a weaselly way to refuse to admit your fault. You are devious, sneaky and **clearly resent** your successful child AND her employers.

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Apologize to her, and either help or don't help your younger kids, but don't sic them and their demands on her. She doesn't deserve to be penalized or dragged down into the crab bucket for what she's doing, though clearly you think she should be.

DogsReadingBooks − YTA. Who the heck basically offers someone else’s money to other people without even talking with them… Because that’s what you did. Even if you wont admit it.

Low_Consequence_1553 − First YTA no matter what, you do not volunteer other people for money and then shame/guilt them for being uncomfortable with handing out the money YOU also are not willing to hand out.. Interesting here you've stated everyone's finances but your own btw.

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Powerful-Metal1313 − YTA. Don’t meddle in your kids’ lives like that. They are individual adults and you no longer have control or oversight over them. Michael and Andrew don’t NEED that money from you or Elisa - they just need to work harder or adjust their expectations.

You volunteered a presumed gift and now you’ve made it awkward when Elisa does the smart thing and doesn’t want to loan money to family (who will never pay it back because they are entitled enough to “need” luxuries).

Working-Trouble4622 − Of course YTA.. Why on earth should Elise give her hard earned money away? You and the rest of your kids could go do the same job as her and earn the same money, but you choose not too. Your choice.. None of you are entitled to a penny that she earns.

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BitterCup-2450 − YTA - You've put the siblings relationship as risk because you've put her in an awkward position. Bonus points for also putting your relationship with Elisa at risk because she will resent you no matter what decision she makes. Elisa needs to stop telling you how much money she makes.

Just because she can afford it, doesn't mean she has to and she doesn't have to give an explanation for this. Also - Andrew 10k of student debt is nothing compared to millions of others. He will be fine. Michael can figure something else out. Not Elisa's problem.

HunterDangerous1366 − If Michael is struggling now, how is he going to pay a mortage, bills, baby, groceries, car, etc AND his sister back? Andrew wants to graduate debt free? Sorry, lots of people graduate will *a lot* more than 10k debt. He can take on a side hussel if he feels like to pay it down faster.

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Just because your daughter has the money doesn't mean she's obligated to share it. Its not even a small loan it 30/10k! She is not a bank! Just because she makes good money doesn't mean YOU can loan it out on her behalf and then tell her it doesn't matter if they don't pay it back cos of her bonus, which SHE WORKS FOR, NOT YOU.. YTA.

These Redditors tore into the parent’s playbook, with many labeling them YTA for volunteering Elisa’s money. Some saw jealousy in the parent’s tone, while others urged Michael and Andrew to hustle harder. But do these fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the family fire?

This family saga shows how quickly money can tangle up love and loyalty. The parent’s attempt to dodge their sons’ requests backfired, leaving Elisa caught in the crossfire. While the Reddit crowd leaned hard on the parent, the deeper lesson is about respecting boundaries and owning tough conversations. Money doesn’t define family, but it sure can test it. What would you do if you were in Elisa’s shoes, facing pressure to bail out siblings? Share your thoughts below!

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