AITA for saying “I don’t know” instead of something that would cause issues with my MIL?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a Sunday brunch, the scent of coffee in the air, and a mother-in-law’s piercing gaze locking onto you like a heat-seeking missile. For one woman, these moments are a gauntlet of loaded questions about her plans for kids, church, or career. To keep the peace, she’s mastered the art of vagueness, tossing out “I don’t know” like a conversational life preserver. But her dodge has backfired—her mother-in-law now sees her as a directionless wanderer, and her husband’s patience is fraying. Is her strategy a clever escape or a family feud waiting to happen?

This Reddit tale captures the universal struggle of dodging nosy relatives while staying true to oneself. Her noncommittal replies aim to protect her privacy, but they’ve sparked a new kind of tension. Let’s unpack her story and see what Reddit has to say.

‘AITA for saying “I don’t know” instead of something that would cause issues with my MIL?’

My mother in law asks a lot of questions that have an implied right and wrong answer, like 'when are you having kids' and 'how much are you going to church' My husband usually says what she wants to hear but kinda noncommittal. I've generally been honest which gets her upset with me, and my husband thinks I could be a bit more delicate.

So when I feel like one of those conversations is coming on, I have started saying that I didn't know myself or hadn't decided yet. Like on the topic of me traveling alone this summer: I dunno how long I'll be traveling for, I dunno where I'll go exactly, I'll figure it out. Or on the topic of kids:

Oh I dunno; might as well let nature take it's course, well see. Or on the topic of my job: Oh maybe I'll keep this job or maybe I'll hop to another, I'll see how it goes. On the topic of being a homemaker: Yeah maybe I'll learn to cook or maybe we can get one of those recipe boxes delivered, we'll figure it out.

Etc... Whenever it's a tricky conversation, I say that I don't know yet. And honestly, for a lot of these, I really don't know. Like I'm traveling but I honestly am keeping plans loose. I love my job but I'm not so attached I wouldn't leave if circumstances changed. I am not trying to have kids but who knows how I'd feel if we got pregnant with a miracle baby lol.

My husband was fine with this at first but now his mom is getting frustrated at me for being so aimless in life. She feels like he married an apathetic layabout who won't learn to do anything or grow up. I feel like being honest would have just been easier.... AITA for saying I don't know, about difficult topics.

Dealing with a mother-in-law’s relentless questions can feel like navigating a verbal obstacle course. The OP’s “I don’t know” responses, a classic gray rock tactic, aim to deflect her MIL’s intrusive probes about kids, faith, and work. Yet, this approach has painted her as apathetic in her MIL’s eyes, straining family ties. As family therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner explains, “Deflecting questions without setting boundaries can lead to misperceptions and unresolved tension” (The Dance of Connection).

The OP faces a dilemma: her MIL’s questions carry implied judgments, making honesty risky and vagueness a shield. Her husband’s shift from support to frustration suggests he’s caught the fallout of his mother’s disapproval. This reflects a broader issue—overbearing in-laws can erode relationships when boundaries falter. A 2021 study in Family Relations found 40% of couples cite in-law conflicts as a marital stressor (Wiley Online Library).

Dr. Lerner advises, “Partners must align to protect their relationship from intrusive family.” The OP’s husband could intervene, saying, “We’ll share when we’re ready,” reinforcing their unity. The OP might also try selective transparency—offering small, positive details to deflect without shutting down the conversation. This balance preserves her autonomy while easing tension, ensuring her MIL’s judgments don’t fracture their marriage.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a lively mix of cheers and clever tips for the OP’s sticky situation. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd, served with a side of sass and support:

[Reddit User] − NTA. Tell your husband he has three choices: 1. You can avoid his mother indefinitely and never speak to her again; 2. You can continue this noncommittal reply thing; or 3. You will go back to being honest.

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bytesoflife − NTA, but your husband needs to handle these conversations and set boundaries with his mom. She shouldn't be hounding you with invasive questions everytime she sees you.

CatDadSnowBunny − Answer all of her questions with a question.. Like the 'when are you having kids?', Follow up with asking her when she decided it was the right time and what circumstances was she under, regardless of what she answers throw in a lot of 'why's' and 'how comes'?. Maybe ask her if HER mother-in-law asked the same questions too!

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hdmx539 − NTA. It appears that you're doing a gray rock method which is one way of dealing with intrusive people. This is a natural reaction for some like you, and for others, like me, a skill we had to learn to get narcissistic and intrusive and abusive people to back off. The only reason your husband is on you now is because he doesn't want his mother *on him*.

Since MIL has been unsuccessful with you she's now trying to use her son, your husband, to 'move' you and get information out from you. Who cares what she thinks about you? She sounds intrusive and you're 100% okay with giving her whatever information, or lack there of, that you feel comfortable giving. She's not entitled to know anymore than you want to tell her.

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RoyallyOakie − NTA...Your husband needs to a) Defend you and b) Set some boundaries with his mother.

[Reddit User] − NTA. She feels like he married an apathetic layabout who won't learn to do anything or grow up. His mother can think whatever she wants. Either way is about getting you crucified. A person who asks lots of questions and is that intrusive is gonna be judgemental,

and are gonna let you know that everything you plan in your life is stupid because you aren't planning it the way they would. Your partner is the only one that has to know how ambitious you are in life. He's the only one you have to sincronize your plans with (buying a house, having kids, going on vacation...).

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mnkymcbn − NTA. I say give it to her straight. Years ago, before it was legal, my mother asked me if I still smoked pot (I was in my 30's at the time and am now 60) and when I responded yes she became really upset with me. I told her flat out that if she didn't want an honest answer then she shouldn't ask the question. She is much more selective with her questions now.

Pohkopf − ESH. While I agree, it's definitely none of her business, you both have sort of enabled her.. A question, like *'when are you having kids'* should be answered with, **'that's between me and my husband.'**. Or respond to *'how much are you going to church'* with, **'well, that's between me and God.'**.

If it is none of her business, then she should know that.. My mom, was like your MIL to a certain degree. I developed my own way of dealing with her.. For example:. **Mom:** 'Have you guys thought about when you're going to have kids?'.

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Me:** 'Do you like raspberries?' 'I like the taste, but I'm not a big fan of the seeds.' If she didn't get the hint after a few rounds of that, I would simply tell her it was none of her business.. You guys need to stop enabling her.

[Reddit User] − Why put up with this? Sounds like you both just pay lip service and don't care about her opinion, why even bother?

BossRedRanger − NTA but this woman is out of line and it's up to your husband to fix this. Frankly, if these are topics you don't want to discuss, then don't. If she asks about kids, ask her to stop asking about kids. Etc. Tell your husband to fix this. The real issue isn't you appearing aimless. The issue is your MIL being a busy body and violating your need for boundaries.

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You married your husband so you have to encounter this woman. But her tie to your marriage is her son, your husband. Ask him to put his foot down. Because if he doesn't, she's just going to keep pushing and you're always going to be the villain no matter how you respond. And she's always going to push more unless he draws a clearly boundary.

These Redditors mostly backed the OP, hailing her “I don’t know” as a smart move to dodge drama, though many pointed the finger at her husband to set firmer boundaries. Some suggested flipping questions back at the MIL for a taste of her own medicine. But do these spicy takes nail the issue, or are they just stirring the family pot?

The OP’s story is a masterclass in dodging family drama with a few vague words, but it’s also a reminder that even clever tactics can misfire. Her “I don’t know” shield protects her privacy but risks alienating her MIL and straining her marriage. Clear boundaries and teamwork with her husband could turn the tide. Have you ever faced a nosy relative’s interrogation? What’s your go-to strategy for keeping the peace? Share your thoughts below!

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