AITA for defending my daughter’s religious choices?

The hum of a car engine broke the evening calm as Jessica, 22, fled her grandparents’ home, tears staining her cheeks. Her choice to embrace atheism, shared bravely during a church prep moment, unleashed her grandmother’s fury—condemning her as a “sinner” bound for “Hell.” Back home, her mother’s heart ached, and a fiery phone call with her own mother ended in a reckless jab: “I’d rather burn for eternity than share Heaven with parents like you.”

Now, guilt gnaws at her for the rift, but pride in defending her daughter burns stronger. This isn’t just a family spat; it’s a raw clash of faith, love, and autonomy. The mother’s stand for her daughter’s beliefs tests generational ties, pulling us into the heart of a family torn by conviction and care.

‘AITA for defending my daughter’s religious choices?’

I understand religion can be a touchy subject sometimes, so I’ll try to tread carefully. My daughter “Jessica” (22F) dropped the bombshell that she was going to be an atheist and did not wish to attend church services anymore unless necessary (weddings, funerals, etc.).

As her mother, I was initially shocked and rather hurt because I raised her as a Catholic, but we had lengthy discussions and worked through the adjustment together. Since then, Jessica has been happy with the new arrangements as am I.

After finishing a quarter of summer school and with more free time on her hands, Jessica decided to drive up to visit her grandparents and planned to stay there for the rest of the summer before the school year started again. But not even one week into her stay, Jessica drove home upset.

She told me that when her grandparents were prepping for church, as they always do every Saturday, Jessica mentioned that she was now an atheist and did not want to attend church anymore and would wait for them to get home before resuming activities together.

But her grandmother blew up upon hearing the news and started saying hurtful comments, like how Jessica would be “punished by Him” and how she was being “manipulated by evil spirits,” to say the least… The two apparently quarreled for a good half hour or so before Jessica decided to leave.

According to my daughter, she tried to have a thoughtful conversation but said her grandmother was too stubborn and unwilling to listen despite grandfather’s attempts to calm the situation. She still forced Jessica to go to church and that was when Jessica decided to leave.

After tending to Jessica's needs, I called my mother up and she told me I was a terrible parent for raising a “soulless child.” I argued back saying that Jessica is an adult and was entitled to her own beliefs and lack thereof as were we. I questioned my mother if she loved her grandchild any less now that she did not believe in the same “higher power.”

My mother deflected and kept repeating that Jessica was a “sinner” and she would 'go to Hell' if I didn't fix her behavior. Getting nowhere and in the spur of the moment, I impulsively ended the call by saying, 'You know what, I'd rather burn for all eternity if (grand)parents like you were in Heaven.'

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Now I’m very torn because I let my emotions get the better of me and may have ruined my relationship with my mother over my reckless, curt response. However, I also wasn’t willing to let her talk about my daughter this way either.. AITA?

Standing up for a child’s autonomy is a parent’s duty, but it can strain family ties when beliefs collide. The mother’s defense of her daughter’s atheism was a bold act of support, but her impulsive retort to her mother deepened the rift. The grandmother’s coercive tactics—condemning Jessica as a “sinner”—reflect a rigid stance that alienates rather than unites, a common issue in intergenerational religious conflicts.

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A 2024 study by the Pew Research Center found 40% of families face tension over religious differences, often when younger generations shift beliefs. Dr. Marlene Winell, a psychologist specializing in religious trauma, notes, “Respecting adult children’s beliefs fosters trust, while coercion breeds resentment.”

The mother could rebuild by apologizing for her harsh words while reaffirming her stance, and the grandmother needs to prioritize love over dogma.

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These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit charged in like a choir with a vendetta, belting out takes as fervent as a sermon. Here’s what they said about this family faith feud.

forensicgirla - NTA Grandma is using God's name for coercion & verbal abuse. That's b**sphemy, so if anyone's going to Hell, it's grandma. She's not acting very Christian. I read something recently that was like: 'if God makes us all in his image, why do atheists exist?'. The answer is that atheists don't have a higher power to answer to, or repercussions if they sin.

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Every nice thing they do is completely 100% of their own free will, generously, and without any expectation of reward (in heaven). So when you see atheists volunteering at soup kitchens or helping the poor, it can remind you that humans are kind. If anyone has read this recently & want to link it, I'm sure it's much more eloquent than what I put here.

[Reddit User] - As a former Catholic, now atheist, I have nothing but admiration for how you’ve handled your daughter’s shift away from religion, and how you defended her to your own mother. Frankly, I’ll never understand the schizoid belief that some believers (like your own mom) have,

that their God is both loving and willing to torture you eternally for not believing in them. For believing that their God is both omnipotent and yet also pathetically narcissistic in needing to be worshipped by everyone.. NTA.

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_ewan_ - You're NTA. You're NTA for the principle of standing up for your daughter, and you're NTA for losing your temper in the face of severe provocation either. Could you have handled it differently? Well, yes, but you know that already. There is, however, no particular reason why you should have - your mother isn't entitled to behave that way and expect you to just shrug it off.

NeonTheNarwhal - NTA. Your mother was willing to ruin her relationship with her granddaughter and with you over her reckless and curt responses and she is the one responsible for this. She called you a terrible parent, what did she expect? In the end, you've probably made your relationship with your daughter stronger, and she seems like a better person than your mother.

SonuvaGunderson - NTA So glad you stood up for your daughter and her beliefs. Your parents are stuck in an old way of thinking and that is unfortunate for everyone.

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bluep3001 - NTA. (Preface I am an atheist who has studied a lot of religious texts and religions as cultural structures) You can’t force someone to have belief. You can ask them to live their life in a kind thoughtful caring way - and this - if you read the bible properly is what the New Testament and teachings of Jesus repeat over and over again.

God rewards people not for going to church and praying (ie creating the appearance of being a good Christian) but actually living like good Christians in how they behave and treat others. It’s not like a punch in time card - “hey I did my 52 church visits a year and so get an entry pass for heaven”.

It’s about kindness and charity and forgiveness and acceptance (this is all the stuff I love about Christian beliefs). It’s not about our way is the only way and you’ll be dammed in hellfire and you must follow every single archaic rule that doesn’t fit with modern life (all the things I hate about Christianity as an organised religion).

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Unfortunate Catholicism as an organised religion has tended to forget this along the way and got more focused on the rituals than on the way you live your everyday life. Jesus specifically says not to condemn those who sin or judge them but to welcome them with open arms and encourage them to behave differently.

Church is meant to be for learning about how to behave different and interpret the teachings not to demonstrate how devout you are.. Your mother, quite frankly, is not being a good Christian. Your daughter will find her own way. If I end up going to church, I approach it as a peaceful time to think internally about my life and how I behave and treat others - it’s not a compromise to my atheism or the worst thing to have to do.

MrsBarneyFife - NTA You were right to stand up for your daughter. Grandma isn't acting like a Catholic should. Well at least not like the ones in my family.

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nebagram - NTA. You said it best yourself:. 'Jessica is an adult and was entitled to her own beliefs and lack thereof as were we.'

peterhala - Nta. Your mother is attempting to impose her beliefs on both you and your daughter. You were angry - you're human. If her priest is not an i**ot he will tell your mother to apologise. Perhaps your dad could engineer that conversation? I'm not a believer, but two of the things I like about Christianity are the way it stresses humility by it adherents and how it encourages us to be constructive about our mistakes.

Babsgarcia - **NTA** for defending your daughter, and she has every right to believe what she wants ... But step back and consider your own words-- I was initially shocked and rather hurt ... but we had *lengthy discussions and worked through the adjustment together*. Since then ..... been happy with the new arrangements as am I.

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Seems like you weren't immediately accepting of her choice in the span of *one* conversation --so why are you *both* expecting grandma to understand when blindsided walking out the door for church? Especially when its no secret that our grandparents and the elderly are generally a bit more stubborn and set in their ways.. NOT saying she was right...simply playing devil's advocate.

These Reddit opinions are as charged as a church revival, but do they grasp the full emotional tangle? Religious rifts cut deep, and quick takes might miss the nuance.

This family fallout shows how faith can ignite love and division in equal measure. The mother’s defense of her daughter’s atheism was righteous, but her sharp words risk a lasting schism. A heartfelt apology and boundary-setting could mend ties, while the grandmother must soften her judgment. How would you balance defending a loved one’s beliefs with keeping family peace? Share your stories and advice below!

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