AITA For not being an active part of and refusing to be an active part of my sister and her kids lives?

In a quiet family home, where old photo albums gather dust, a young man faced an unexpected plea from his older sister, stirring up a lifetime of unspoken grudges. Their story, shared on Reddit, unfolds like a bittersweet memory, revealing a sibling bond frayed by years of distance and indifference. At 22, he’s built a life avoiding her, but her sudden desire for connection caught him off guard, sparking a tense confrontation.

This tale isn’t just about a single conversation it’s a window into the ache of family estrangement, where past slights cast long shadows. With a touch of wry humor, it invites us to ponder the weight of childhood neglect against the hope of reconciliation. As the brother holds firm to his boundaries, we’re left wondering how families mend or choose not to when history feels too heavy to lift.

‘AITA For not being an active part of and refusing to be an active part of my sister and her kids lives?’

My sister(34F) is 12 years older than I(22M) am, as a result we barely had any sort of relationship growing up, by the time I could actively form relationships with people she was not around and during holidays and vacations where she was around she would basically ignore me, I can vividly remember her actively ignoring me when I was a child.

At 16 I pretty much gave up on even trying to talk to her and as a result I do not consider her family if I am entirelly honest, we have no relationship, I probably know most acquaintances better then I know my own sister, the only thing that enforces us to even spend time in the same room is the fact we share the same parents

to bring home the point as to how not close we are, I do not even have her number. Now eversince I moved off to college(4 years ago) I have been actively avoiding her when visiting my parents, as in finding out whether she will be there and not going if she is and going if she isn't.

She has had 3 kids since I moved to college they are 1, 3 and 4, I found out from my parents and sent her a card after each birth as a way to be nice/for familial form but I honestly do not give a damn as I do not consider her family. I have never met these kids and have no plans to meet them

I obviously won't treat them badly when I inevitably do, but I also feel I got no reason to pretend I will be/am a part if their or their parents lives. Last week I decided to visit my parents for the weekend, unknown to me, my sister was also there, but her husband and kids were not(They live an hour from my parents so visit quite often.)

I greeted her, but beyond that I was only there to spend time with my parents(I know, sounds weird but we're used to it and she acts the same.). Late on the saturday evening while I was in the living room, my sister approached me and said she wanted to talk, I told her to go ahead, which is where she said she wanted me to come and visit her home

meet her kids and see her husband(Last time I saw him was at her wedding where his brother was the best man and I was to be seated in the back and was only seated at the family table because my parents demanded it.) and she wants me to be a more active part of their life.

I looked at her and told her for the last 22 years she has pretended I basically do not exist and as it stands I do not now, nor ever want to be a part of her life or her kids life beyond greeting her. She seemed offended and said I ignored her too

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so I pointed out the difference is that she has been ignoring me since I was born and I only gave up 6 years ago and told her she owes it to herself. Well she started crying and I went to bed. My parents have since asked me to reconsider which is why I am here since as you may imagine the entire situation is very painful for them, as such, judge me.

Family ties can feel like fragile threads, especially when stretched by years of neglect. The brother’s refusal to embrace his sister’s family stems from a childhood where her indifference left scars. His blunt response—pointing out her 22 years of dismissal was less about cruelty and more about self-preservation. Yet, her sudden outreach, while clumsy, hints at a desire to bridge the gap, perhaps driven by her new role as a mother seeking family unity.

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This dynamic reflects a broader issue: sibling estrangement. A 2015 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that 10-15% of siblings report significant distance, often due to early neglect or age gaps. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in family estrangement, notes, “Adult siblings often struggle to reconnect when childhood dynamics set a precedent of disconnection”. Here, the sister’s failure to acknowledge her past role likely deepened the brother’s resistance.

Coleman’s insight suggests reconciliation requires accountability. The sister could start by apologizing for her past indifference, validating his hurt. The brother, in turn, might consider whether holding this grudge serves him long-term. Small steps like a candid conversation about their childhood could test the waters. Both need to approach this with patience, as rebuilding trust takes time, especially when wounds run deep.

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For practical solutions, experts recommend structured communication, like family therapy, to unpack past hurts. The brother could set clear boundaries, engaging only as far as he’s comfortable, while the sister invests effort to earn his trust. This story reminds us that family isn’t just blood it’s built on mutual respect. Whether they reconcile or not, the choice lies in honest dialogue, not forced connection.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s community offered a spectrum of takes, from staunch support for the brother’s boundaries to cautious encouragement for reconciliation. Many saw his stance as justified, given his sister’s long history of ignoring him, while others viewed her outreach as a flawed but genuine attempt to mend fences.

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The comments highlight a divide: some prioritize personal peace over family obligation, while others see potential in giving second chances. This mix of empathy and skepticism underscores the complexity of family ties, where hurt and hope often collide.

EinsteinVonBrainless − NTA. Maybe your sister is trying but as of now she has provided no explanation or apology for the way she treated you for your entire life, and even if she does, you are under no obligation to change anything about how you interact with her. Your interactions are really strange though; it's normal for siblings to not be close if they're far apart in age, but this is a whole new level of not close.

MocequaDePerigo − Ok. So your entire life she ignores you or actively tries to snub you (your parents actually had to fight to get you seated at the family table at the wedding!). Now, all of a sudden it’s “bUt mY pReCIous bAbiEs!!”

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She’s not doing this for you. She has no independent interest in you. This is because she sees some advantage for her kids, and quite possibly herself. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s sizing you up to act as a babysitter/nanny.. Assholes don’t change their spots. Don’t trust this. NTA.

forbiddenfapmaterial − NTA be careful about it she may be reaching out to you for free/cheap (most likely the first) babysitting watch out

luna-ljus − NAH. You both made decisions to not be part of each other's lives. She's not TA for trying to mend your relationship, you're not TA for sticking to your decision.

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XperienceIsKnowledge − NTA - Even with family, your obligation ends at politeness.

1107rwf − Question: if she had phrased her request as wanting to have a more active part in your life (instead of saying she wants you to be more active in hers, essentially putting the onus on you instead of owning it herself), would you have been more receptive? I think I understand the sentiment behind what she said, but her delivery was underwhelming:

she didn’t acknowledge her crummy dismissive behavior, provide any feeling of remorse for lost chances, or desire to get to know you, so it didn’t feel genuine. Combine that with remembering how I was at your age (“if you haven’t shown any interest in me then I’m going to be even MORE dismissive of you”), and I completely get your reaction.

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That being said, the amount of effort you’re putting into avoiding her and her family (how do you handle holidays??) is exhausting, and you may realize with time that you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. No, you’re NTA for your reaction, but in the long run wouldn’t it be nice to try to accept her olive branch and see how it goes?

And it might feel really good to have a rebuttal that includes the hurt feelings from your childhood, resentment that’s remaining, and tell her that in your eyes this rift is caused by her so it is on her to work to bridge the gap. She can’t say “I want you to be more active in my life,” she needs to work to be more active in yours.

After having that conversation where it’s clear the effort needs to be made by her, see how it goes. If she follows through and tries: build that bridge. But if she goes back to avoiding you, you haven’t lost anything, you know where things really stand, and you’ve gotten to say everything that needs to be said.

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clarinet87 − I’m going with NAH. My sister is ten years older than me (and eleven years older than my younger brother). I wouldn’t say we had much of a relationship growing up. She left for college when I was eight, and I was just the annoying little sister she tried to ditch.

When I was eighteen, I went to college in the same town she lived in, three hours away from the rest of our family. We were finally able to connect as adults and being a part of her kids’ lives is the most fulfilling part of my life. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore what you don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and didn’t suck for you.

She had the right to want to fix the situation, and you have the right to still be upset about it. Adult relationships with your sibs are so different than when you were kids (I’m the second youngest of six with an eleven year spread between the oldest and youngest)

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and while I definitely was ignored by my older siblings while I was a kid, now we’re all pretty close. Personally, I hope you can try at least. It’ll be awkward at first, but you guys probably know more about each other than you think, plus nephews and nieces are amazing! Good luck!

BURNERINO12345 − NAH I mean it kinda sucks, you have family that you are choosing not to be a part of their lives, but that's your choice. Anyways, it seems like you are clinging onto a lot of resentment over the way she treated you growing up- and that's completely fine and justifiable! Your sister should've treated you better.

The age difference is no excuse. My brother C was born my freshman year of high school and my brother W was born my senior year, and I was very active in their early lives. That said, I would consider reconciliation if I were you.

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It WOULD be nice to have a relationship with your nieces/nephews, and they shouldn't be blamed for how your sister treated you growing up.. Forgiveness can go a long way, and ultimately will make you a happier person.

whatforthen − NTA-blood makes a relation not a relationship. You don’t get to demand that someone who is essentially a stranger to you suddenly start acting like a brother

[Reddit User] − YTA. I say this as someone in nearly the same situation as you- my sister is 12 years older than me. We had virtually no relationship growing up, we ignored each other and never saw each other. The last couple of years though, she's tried to connect.

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I don't think you really understand how it was for her to have a younger sibling who's so much younger you have nothing in common for the first 18ish years of your life. It's hard to bridge that gap. I don't think you said she was ever outright malicious to you- she just didn't try to have a relationship.

Now that you're on a more even ground, there's no reason to spite that relationship opportunity forever. Honestly you sound pretty immature to me. Give your sister a chance. The older you get, the less age differences matter. I think your sister might surprise you if you let her. And if she doesn't- What have you got to lose? You can only gain from improving this relationship.

This sibling saga lays bare the pain of estrangement and the challenge of rebuilding bridges burned long ago. The brother’s firm stance reflects a need for self-protection, while his sister’s plea hints at a longing for family unity. It’s a reminder that blood doesn’t guarantee bonds—trust does. Have you ever faced a family rift like this? How do you balance past hurts with new possibilities? Share your thoughts and experiences below let’s unpack this together!

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