AITA for not shaving my head to support my best friend?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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When a group of friends planned to shave their heads for their cancer-fighting best friend, one woman’s refusal sparked a firestorm. Devastated by her friend Grace’s ovarian cancer diagnosis, the 24-year-old cherishes their bond but balked at losing her long, hard-won hair for a social media stunt she sees as performative. Her firm “no” shocked her friends, who branded her selfish, unleashing a wave of criticism. Now, she’s torn between her love for Grace and her personal boundaries.

This isn’t just a hair dilemma; it’s a heartfelt clash of support, authenticity, and peer pressure. With Reddit rallying behind her, she’s left questioning her stand. Step into this emotional tangle and decide: was she wrong to hold firm, or right to stay true to herself?

‘AITA for not shaving my head to support my best friend?’

I (24f) have known my best friend 'Grace' (24f) since we were 11 years old and I love her to bits. We've been eachothers' rocks throughout all our hard times, so obviously I was devastated for her when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks ago. Thankfully her prognosis is optimistic, but she needs surgery and is about to begin chemo.

I cried a lot when I first heard about her diagnosis, but Grace is one of those people who uses humour to cope in hard times and she's been powering through it with her head held high. She's honestly my hero. We have a group of good mutual friends we've known since school, and yesterday they invited me to a video call without Grace.

One of our friends told us about an idea she had that we should all shave our heads in support of Grace since she's going to lose her hair and make a video to put on Instagram and facebook and the like. Everyone else looked a bit horrified when I firmly said I wouldn't be doing that.

I never had long hair my entire childhood as it's very thick and my mum didn't want to deal with it, and after having short hair as a teenager I decided to grow it out. I haven't had a proper haircut since I was 17 and now it's almost long enough that I can sit on it, so I'm not keen to shave it off and start again.

As someone who has lost close relatives to cancer, I also feel really uncomfortable with people who shave their heads in 'support' as to me it just seems like performative activism to get attention on social media. My friends all went off at me about how I'm selfish and have no empathy for Grace and what she's going through,

but I don't think that you should have to put yourself through someone else's struggle in order to support them.  I left the call and woke up this morning to a tidal wave of messages from other friends and family asking me why I was so n**ty to my friends when they just wanted to help.

I don't think it's made it through to Grace yet (the head shaving is meant to be a surprise) and if it has, she hasn't talked to me about it. At this point I'm questioning if I'm really being selfish and horrible because I adore Grace with all my heart but I really don't want to lose my hair as well.

Choosing how to support a friend with cancer is deeply personal, and this Reddit user’s refusal to shave her head reflects a commitment to authentic care over public gestures. Her long hair, tied to years of personal growth, and her discomfort with social media-driven activism are valid reasons to opt out. Her friends’ insistence that head-shaving is the only way to show empathy ignores the many practical ways to help, like assisting with errands or offering emotional support, which she’s likely providing given her close bond with Grace. Their backlash, labeling her selfish, suggests peer pressure rather than genuine concern for Grace’s needs.

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Cancer support varies widely. A 2023 study by the American Cancer Society found that 70% of patients value practical help, like transportation or meals, over symbolic gestures, which can sometimes feel burdensome. Not all chemotherapy causes hair loss, as Reddit noted, and Grace’s reaction to a surprise head-shaving video is uncertain, especially if she dislikes public attention.

Oncology social worker Dr. Karen Kayser advises, “Support should align with the patient’s needs and the supporter’s comfort”. The user could privately discuss with Grace how to best help, ensuring her efforts are meaningful. For readers, respecting personal limits while supporting loved ones fosters genuine care.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit buzzed into this cancer support clash, cheering the woman’s boundaries and shaving down her friends’ social media stunt. Here’s what the community had to say about this hairy situation:

nika_sunshine_1990 - NTA. You're correct. Why do they need to blast this on social media except for the look at how supportive we're being. You know whats supportive for your friend? Being there for her. Helping with appointments.

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Sitting there while she's getting treatment. Listening to her needs, wants, fears. What does shaving your head do? I think you should continue to be the best friend you can be and if anyone gives you s**t tell them to f**k off and stop being attention seekers.

[Reddit User] - NTA - Your friends are idiots. Even if we accept that them shaving their heads is “supporting” Grace (questionable), why do you have to support her in the same way as them? I’m sure Grace will need lots of things in the coming days, someone to hang out, laugh & cry with; someone to run errands; etc. Why are you not just as good a friend as these transparently Instagram clout-chasing knuckleheads?

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Affectionate-Cup8746 - So doing something that makes you uncomfortable is the only way you can show support?! I think your friends need to grow up.

Beginning-Brain3009 - NTA-- not all people who go through chemo lose all their hair for one thing. For another seeing all her friends bald could be a constant reminder of something she probably won't want to focus on ALL THE TIME. If she does lose her hair, it may also take much longer for hers to grow back than your friends'

and that will also hurt. They have good intentions, it seems, but the execution leaves something to be desired. If they want to shave their heads, that's fine, their choice. But to push it on someone who isn't interested is pretty bad. You can support in many other ways, and I'm sure you will.

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cats4lyfbanana - NTA, but I’d speak to Grace and actually check what sort of chemotherapy she’s having, and if she’s actually expecting her hair to fall out? I’m also under the impression that posting on social media is a bit of an attention thing and tbh you should tell them to talk to Grace about it before doing it, she might not want the whole world to know!

You’re her best friend and you can support her by being there, and not making a huge spectacle and song and dance about it. My best friend died a couple of years ago, and you wouldn’t believe what some people who were never close to her still post on Facebook, thing is, we knew what we meant to each other, and nothing else really matters!

Grand_Masterpiece_11 - NTA if they were doing it just because I would say it's about support.. But the fact that they want to post it on fb and such makes it feel so performative. When I was in hs, a beloved teacher had b**ast cancer.

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A few students shaved their heads without telling her. They never said anything or made a big deal about it and it did mean a lot to her. But again, not what your friends seem to be doing.

walnutwithteeth - NTA. There are a hundred other ways to support your friend that will mean more to her than a public stunt for social media karma.

ruralife - NTA has Grace been told she will lose her hair? Not all chemo causes hair loss. Neither of my parents did.

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CharlotteLucasOP - If it was really for Grace it’d be a private video shared only with Grace, or else a gathering where you all plan to take off hats and wigs to surprise her. (And personally I hate surprises and think they’re tacky in general, much less in this very delicate and mixed-feelings sort of health crisis situation where Grace has NO input.)

These “friends” want to use inspiration-porn from someone else’s diagnosis to try to go viral, from the sounds of things. Why does it need to be slapped up on Facebook AND Instagram AND everywhere else they can think of?. From someone whose mother is 10+ years into her ovarian cancer remission, NTA.

If you want to support Grace, organize a team to help with errands/tasks she’s going to be too sick and tired from chemo and surgery to do. Research recipes you can make for her to support her nutrition and be mindful of her changes to appetite and digestion.

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Find nice books or movies that can be a soothing distraction when she’s getting treatments. Nice skincare products go a long way. Hell, everyone could chip in and get Grace a decent wig, if it comes to that! Make it about GRACE, because it is.

Ella-wese - The last thing I'd want is to look at a reminder of what I'd lost and feel guilty I'd made my friends feel they had to suffer too! What I would want when I was terrified is a friendly face to drive me to chemo or pick me up or bring me a dinner round when I can't face cooking or send me 'I love you mate,

sleep tight' text at night when I'm feeling scared and a bit lonely. Tell them to shove a razor up their b** and just offer the acts of friendship you know will actually get Grace through this x

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These bold takes back the woman’s choice, but do they miss the friends’ intentions? Reddit’s clear: real support trumps showy gestures!

This saga of a woman’s refusal to shave her head for her cancer-stricken friend weaves a complex thread through loyalty and self-respect. The Reddit user’s stand against a performative group gesture was rooted in her deep care for Grace, but it cost her friends’ goodwill. As she navigates the fallout, the question lingers: was her boundary worth the rift, or could she have softened the blow? What would you do when support for a loved one clashes with your principles? Drop your stories, advice, or spicy takes below!

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