AITA For Refusing To Help My Ex Discipline Our Daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The air was thick with tension in a quiet suburban home, where a father’s patience had worn thin. After years of navigating a rocky co-parenting relationship, he faced a moral tug-of-war: should he back his ex-wife’s plea for a united front to discipline their rebellious teen daughter, Mandy? The catch? His ex had just betrayed their trust by attempting to siphon $10,000 from Mandy’s college fund, sparking chaos in their fragile family dynamic.

Mandy, caught in the crossfire, was acting out, wielding the threat of moving in with her dad to dodge her mom’s rules. Readers can’t help but wonder: where do loyalty and fairness draw the line in this messy tangle of love, betrayal, and parenting? The drama unfolds with raw emotion, pulling us into their story.

‘AITA For Refusing To Help My Ex Discipline Our Daughter?’

I (41m) have a 13 year-old daughter 'Mandy' with my ex-wife 'Jane' (37f). I would say post-divorce we had a decent relationship and were cordial for our daughter's sake but everything changed they day Jane started dating her current husband 'Tom' (47m).

I guess she needed to prove to him that she was over me by becoming hostile because I for the life of me can't explain what else could be the reason for her becoming so angry and refusing to follow the custody agreement anymore. Because of my job at the time she had primary custody but I was supposed to get every other weekend and summers while we alternated Holidays.

I had to take my ex to court twice and was just grateful that former-MIL was on my side and wouldn't allow Jane to feed Mandy lies about me. I tried to be patient and forgiving in the beginning but eventually Jane pushed me too far and now I just handle her with cold aloofness and documenting as much as I can when interacting with her.

During the pandemic Tom and Jane lost their respective jobs and were in danger of loosing the house. Jane took me to court for more child support which I wasn't going to fight but was mad when she didn't get as much as she wanted.

After the decree I started getting suspicious because Jane and I have equal access to Mandy's college fund so I decided to add-in special protections and alerts. I'm the primary on the account and Jane was just an Authorized-Signer. Unfortunately my suspicions were confirmed and I received a call from the bank about an attempt to take out $10,000.

It was Jane, and I was pissed. So pissed that I went to Jane's place and yelled and cursed at her. I knew Mandy was out at the time so I thought I was in the clear but didn't realize when she and my former-MIL pulled up to the driveway. Mandy didn't hear everything but she did learn about what her mom tried to do.

Mandy is now upset and acting out and when Jane tries to discipline her Mandy counters that she'll just live with me and loose the child support Jane and Tom desperately need.

Jane is now asking me to help her put up a 'united front' but after what she did I'm not looking into doing her any favors. However, my MIL thinks that by allowing Mandy to play us against each other it will end up hurting her. AITA?

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ETA: Hey had to step away but I've been seeing the comments. Thanks for the NTA/ESH tips and advice. I haven't gone through all the comments yet however I do keep seeing a few things that I just wanted to clear up 1. Ever since Mandy was 10 I've talked to her more than once about her living with me if/when she wanted to.

I say this because it feels like some people here believe that I've NEVER told Mandy that she could live with me if she wanted which isn't the case. When the divorce first happened I wasn't in a position to be a full-time parent because of my hectic work schedule but now I'm able to.

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2. Because of my job I live an hour away so Mandy would have to switch schools but a few people have pointed out to me that she may be able to finish the school year virtually so I will be looking into that 3. Jane has never put in more than $100 at a time into Mandy's college fund and it was only once every couple of months,

which is one of the reasons why I was so angry at her since I'm the main contributor. 4. Only one attempt was made to take out the money and Jane claims that it was an accident and that she was trying to put $100 into the account but I don't believe her.

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Jane also says that since it was a one-time accident she doesn't feel the need to apologize and is of the mindset that parents don't need to give their underage children an apology.

5. While Mandy admits to mentioning the loss of child support as a threat once Jane keeps insisting that it's happened multiple times and give her recent actions I don't believe her.

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6. Jane claims that Mandy is acting out by not doing her chores, not going to bed when she's supposed to, ignoring Jane when she calls her, calling her and her step-dad 'Losers,' not cleaning up after herself, cussing and painting her nails (Jane doesn't believe young girls should wear makeup, dye their hair, get highlights, or paint their nails).

Divorce doesn’t end parenting—it complicates it. Jane’s attempt to withdraw $10,000 from Mandy’s college fund shattered trust, leaving OP in a bind and Mandy rebelling. The teen’s defiance, from skipping chores to tossing insults, screams betrayal. Jane’s refusal to apologize, claiming parents owe kids nothing, only deepens the rift. OP’s cold stance toward Jane is justified but risks fueling Mandy’s threats to ditch her mom, which could destabilize her further.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading family psychologist, emphasizes, “Trust is the foundation of any relationship, rebuilt through accountability” (The Gottman Institute). A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association shows 60% of co-parents struggle with trust post-divorce (APA). Jane’s financial desperation doesn’t excuse her actions, and OP’s aloofness, while understandable, sidesteps Mandy’s need for stability. Both parents must prioritize her emotional health over their grudges, ideally through open dialogue or family therapy to address Mandy’s hurt.

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To move forward, OP should secure the college fund by removing Jane’s access, ensuring no repeat breaches. He could explore full custody, discussing school changes with Mandy to honor her preferences. Therapy is critical for Mandy to process her feelings of betrayal. By modeling accountability—perhaps encouraging Jane to own her mistake—OP can guide Mandy toward healthier conflict resolution. This family’s saga underscores the need for trust in co-parenting, and readers are invited to weigh in on balancing discipline with empathy in such messy dynamics.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of cheers and reality checks for OP. It’s like a family group chat gone wild—supportive, sassy, and full of opinions. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

BabY_pot4to − NTA, but go get your daughter out of there, she is old enough now that court will considered her request with whom she wants to live and you have proof of the shady things your ex tried to do with your daughters money. And if you tell the truth I bet your daughter isn't seeing much of HER child support. You pay that money to be used for your daughter not the live of to adults that steal from their child.

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Dontdrinkthecoffee − NTA it isn’t your fault that your daughter realized her mother is willing to steal from her, and only keeps her around to get your money. I would advise getting your kid into therapy if she isn’t already, dealing with this nastiness is obviously doing a number on her.

If you do so you might even be able to spin it as ‘helping’ with Mandy’s behaviour to Jane.. You don’t want Mandy’s resentment of her mother to negatively impact Mandy’s life, as she likely feels incredibly betrayed

[Reddit User] − NTA. I'd go for full custody though. It sounds like your daughter is in a toxic environment

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Theunpolitical − I forget all of the acronyms here for this sub but you are NTA for the ex-wife's game of trying to sneak some money but you are somewhat an a**hole for not backing her up. I can completely see your point on this and why you are mad, I would be too, but you have two issues going on here:

First remove the mother as an 'authorized user' for the college account. If you are the primary source of it, than have it all to yourself and your ex-wife can create her own account. (Assuming its not court mandated that she's on it). Second, you need to sit down with your daughter and let her know that it's not ok to play games like this with her Mom and Tom.

She is still a child and should only focus on school. She does not need to worry about how her Mom is getting money and how she is paying for things. That is for the adults to worry about and that is their responsibility.

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You can apologize that she over heard all of this and let her know that threatening her Mom like that is not a good thing to do and that you will not tolerate these type of ultimatums.. Wishing you the best. I'm rooting for you. :)

Excellent_Care1859 − I feel like this sort of depends. I mean is Mandy literally throwing the money thing at her mom every single time she tries to discipline her? Because that is not okay, teens need discipline. And your daughter really shouldn’t be manipulating her mother like that (threatening to move out to get her way).

If Mandy doesn’t want to live with her mom (which I would understand given what she did) then she should just move out. I feel like this whole situation is so toxic it could really teach Mandy some bad life lessons.. Edit to include verdict: NTA. Edit to fix spelling

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BlackfyreWraith − NTA, look into full custody and make sure your ex has 0 access to that college fund.

BaltimoreBadger23 − NTA: reading some of your responses you should sit with your daughter and make sure she is aware of the full ramifications of living full time with you (especially switching schools) and then let her decide.

Amiedeslivres − NTA. You can be going case by case with discipline issues. Your ex broke the trust between you as coparents. You should point out to her that an unquestioned united front isn’t possible without that trust. However, you do need to be able to make agreements.

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You can suggest that ex contact you and you two make major discipline decisions together, so that you can let ex know what measures you support and will participate in. And you can offer to do the same. Just say it’s going to take work and accountability to get back on the same page.

You can also suggest ex talk honestly with kiddo about the attempted lifting of college money, starting with an apology and listening to how this affected kid’s trust. They could do this in the presence of a therapist. Many parents don’t like being accountable to our children, but find out later that these breaches of trust really mark our kids and wreck our relationships with them when they’re adults.

Toomanystarfish − NTA. However this is about your daughter and despite what she overheard I’m sure she loves her mum and is feeling very confused and betrayed. As hard as it may be I would request a sit down with daughter and ex to discuss all the current issues, be honest and if ex won’t then so be it Your daughter has her own mind in this, she’s feeling betrayed already, make sure she gets any support she needs

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tatasz − NTA. Your ex was stealing from your kid. The only united front that can exist there is you and your child. Maybe court for primary custody? Mandy is grown enough to not need 24/7 babysitting while you work.

These Redditors rallied behind OP’s stance but waved red flags about Mandy’s toxic home vibe. Some urged full custody, others pushed for therapy to untangle Mandy’s hurt. But do these hot takes nail the full picture, or are they just stoking the drama?

This tale of fractured trust and teenage rebellion hits hard, showing how fast family ties can fray when money and motives collide. OP’s stand against his ex feels justified, but Mandy’s caught in the middle, navigating a storm of betrayal. It’s a reminder that parenting through conflict demands balance—firm boundaries paired with empathy. What would you do if you were in OP’s shoes, torn between loyalty to your kid and a co-parent’s plea? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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