AITA for refusing to have a third child with my wife because she wants a boy?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy suburban home, where toys clutter the living room and giggles echo from the backyard, a couple faces a heart-tugging dilemma. The husband, a thoughtful 35-year-old, wrestles with his wife’s longing for a third child—a boy she dreams of as her “little prince.” His heart aches, not from doubt about fatherhood, but from a childhood shadowed by his parents’ unspoken wish for a girl. Can he embrace another child, knowing his wife’s hopes hinge on gender? This story unfolds a raw, relatable clash of love, fear, and family dreams, pulling readers into a deeply personal debate.

The weight of past wounds colors his hesitation, as memories of feeling like a “disappointment” linger like a faint scar. Meanwhile, his wife’s vision of a son sparks both hope and tension, raising questions about fairness and love in parenting. Their story, shared on Reddit, invites us to ponder: how do personal histories shape family choices, and what happens when dreams for a child’s gender clash with reality? Let’s dive into their journey and the wisdom it uncovers.

‘AITA for refusing to have a third child with my wife because she wants a boy?’

My (35m) wife (29f) and I have two girls (3 and 2.) She wants to have a 3rd child because, in her words, she wants her 'little prince.' She wants a boy, in other words. This is a hot button issue for me because I was the third boy in my family. It's an open secret that my parents had me hoping for a girl.

My parents loved me, took good care of me, and gave me a good life but every time I think about them feeling disappointed when I was born another boy it really hurts my feelings if I'm being honest. So when I consider that we are flipping a coin on our hypothetical 3rd child I can't stand the thought that my wife would be disappointed if it turns out to be a girl.

I would like a third kid, but in my opinion we shouldn't have one because we specifically want a son. I asked my wife 'OK, what if we have another girl?' She answered 'Then we should try one last time. If we have another girl so be it; we are a family of daughters.' I just think her attitude is wrong and only want to have another kid with her if she doesn't care about the gender. But maybe I'm being unfair due to personal bias. AITA?

Edit: thanks to everyone who posted. A lot to think about. It's possible that I've made too much out of things, but if we do end up having a boy I may have to watch out for her spoiling him, as some have suggested. Adoption is a good suggestion, too. IVF is a possibility but I find the idea a little creepy, for some reason. Definitely don't want a 4th kid though whatever happens. I got off to a slightly late start as it is.

Wanting a specific gender for a child can stir up a whirlwind of emotions, especially when past experiences cast long shadows. The husband’s reluctance stems from a deeply personal place—his fear that a new child might feel the sting of unmet expectations, just as he did. His wife’s desire for a boy, while heartfelt, risks creating an imbalance, especially if she pushes for a fourth child should a third be a girl. This dynamic highlights a broader issue: the emotional impact of gender preferences on family harmony.

Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical psychologist quoted in Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com), notes, “Gender disappointment is common, but parents must process these feelings privately to avoid burdening the child.” In this case, the husband’s concern is valid—children can sense favoritism, which can erode self-esteem. His wife’s casual “we’ll try again” approach might unintentionally signal conditional love, a risk Dr. Saltz warns can affect sibling dynamics and parental bonds.

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This situation reflects a larger societal tendency to assign roles based on gender, often unconsciously. A 2018 study from the Pew Research Center (pewresearch.org) found that 60% of parents admit to gender-based expectations for their children, which can shape how kids perceive their worth. The husband’s hesitation is a call to prioritize unconditional love over idealized visions, ensuring any new child feels valued for who they are, not what they represent.

For this couple, open communication is key. The husband could share his fears vulnerably, while his wife might reflect on why a boy feels so essential. Couples therapy or family planning discussions could help align their goals. Exploring adoption, as suggested by Redditors, could also be a gender-neutral path to growing their family, focusing on love rather than expectations.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, dishing out candid takes with a side of humor. From warnings about favoritism to stories of personal pain, the community weighed in with passion. Here are their thoughts:

WebbieVanderquack − NAH. You don't have to have a third kid, but I do think you're reading too much into this based on your own struggles. I know so many people who have said they wanted their third or even fourth baby to be a boy or a girl and have been thrilled regardless.

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Andrassa − NTA People who want a certain gender child tend to not think about the impact it will have on the kid who is not the gender they wanted.

[Reddit User] − NTA- chances are if she gets her son she’ll show him some pretty clear favouritism, please don’t put your daughters through that.

whyamisoawesome9 − NTA. Definitely make sure that she would be ok if it was another girl.. 'Then we should try one last time.. Does this mean that she would have a fourth if it was a girl? Kids can definitely pick up on gender favourites.

Only recently (I am in my 30s) I have told my dad that I knew that he didn't want a girl, I have 2 brothers, but I was constantly ignored by my dad when it came to any quality time or him getting to know me as a person. To be honest it created a heap of issues, not the least that my brothers refuse to accept that we were treated differently,

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and have accused me of exaggerating how s**t my dad treated me, despite my dad acknowledging that yes, he treated me differently. This has created conflict with my brothers as well as my dad. Honestly, if she can't get excited about 3 girls,don't try for a third. Definitely don't go for a fourth if you have 3 girls.

neenamonners − NTA, and for the record you aren't necessarily 'flipping a coin' by trying for a boy. On the whole, human babies have about a 50% chance of being female and 50% chance of being male. But when it comes to two individuals (like you and your wife) having a child together, the odds can be seriously stacked in favor of one s**.

It is entirely possible that you could have two or three more children without one of them being a 'little prince'. Also...what does she think she'll get out of having a boy that she can't get by having a girl? And let's be frank, the gender assigned to children at birth isn't always correct in the long run.

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If you want a third child because it'll be a happy addition to your family, go for it, but if all she wants is a boy it may be better to avoid birthing a child that'll always have been born for the wrong reasons.

hersperie − NTA I know a woman that has 5 daughters because she wanted a boy badly. I don't think she (your wife) would stop at the third one if another girl is born. Every single time the father would give in to her crying and pleading.

The oldest daughter is 31 but the youngest is 10 because the mother thought that something has changed now that she has been after 40. If you don't want another kid just talk to her. IMHO trying for the specific s** is kind of stupid. I just don't get it. Isn't a healthy and happy child enough to be happy?

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fluffy2monster − NTA. also, if the boy ends up being born a boy, what if he grows up in a way that defies her expectation? not trans or anything like that, but what if he likes barbies sometimes? is she going to stop him to be more 'prince-like'?

i might be taking her wording too seriously, but i really dislike how some parents raise their children with a certain expectation on how they would 'play' with them, e.g. i want a daughter so we can braid each others hair & paint each others nails!!!

i was a complete tomboy growing up & forever blessed that my parents let me grow up without gender-expectations, but id feel restricted if they were like 'no you must be a princess!'. but hey, again, maybe just me over-reading stuff

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South-Brain − NAH She wants a son (for an understandable reason) but said she would be fine if it turned out to be another daughter, I dont see the issue. She would get a little bit of bonus satisfaction if she had children of both genders but she wont love the child any less regardless of it's gender.

[Reddit User] − NTA or NAH and people need to examine and let go of their idealistic, gender-stereotype entrenched ideas about what it’s like to raise a girl vs a boy. I definitely don’t think you’re in the wrong for feeling concerned about how your potential third daughter would feel in the event your wife ends up giving birth to another girl.

What’s her backup plan here, anyway? What if your third *and* fourth children end up being girls, what then? How many resources do you two have as a couple? Emotionally, financially, logistically? Where do you decide to stop? Even if my parents loved me, I would hate growing knowing that I was a “mistake” in the sense that I was born a different s** to what my parents wanted.

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And valuing a child differently for their s**/gender expectations puts a lot of pressure on the child. Sure, maybe your wife will have a son who’s happy to be her little prince, but is she going to see her child the same way if he grows up to break from traditional gender roles?

Is he still the son she wanted if he grows up to reject masculinity and doesn’t want to follow whatever plans she’s setting out for him? This is a little of a personal sore-point of my own, but worth mentioning just because I think it lends to show how damaging it is to parents valuing having either a son or daughter so highly: what happens if the “son” your wife gives birth to eventually comes out as trans?

My own parents weren’t trying for a girl when they had me, but in coming out as transmasc there’s a definite sense of shame I feel worrying that my parents preferred me as their daughter. It’s sucky to be trying to follow your own path to happiness but worrying you “let down” your parents in not being their “little girl” or “boy” anymore.

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This isn’t an exclusively trans experience either, of course, it’s similarly felt by children who otherwise can’t or don’t want to stay the course on the plans and ideals their parents set out for them from their births. There are a lot of “what if’s” here

and I’m absolutely *not* assuming/suggesting your wife is callous enough not to love her own child, even if one way or another they ended up a different gender than she was hoping for. I don’t think she’s doing anything “bad” in wishing on a son, but I do think that:

1) I think it’s irresponsible to keep having kids until you have one that’s “right”, especially when the more kids you have, the harder it is to support them all financially and find the time to give them the individual attention they deserve (and to give YOURSELVES as parents the time for the things you care about as well).

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2) I sympathise with any future daughters you have potentially feeling lesser for not being the son your wife wanted, and 3) people should think critically about *what* they expect out of having a daughter vs having a son. Kids are kids, and gender roles and preferences are social, not biologically hardwired.

Your daughters can play sports, your son might decide he wants to pursue makeup artistry. There are kids whose interests/preferences/mannerisms fall in line with popular gender expectations and that’s fine too—if they have the freedom to choose what makes them happy

and that’s what they prefer, that’s awesome. But not every kid is like that, and it’s worth gently discussing with your wife if having a son who *didn’t* end up being into “boys things” would defeat the purpose.

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elephantorgazelle − NTA. It took my dad 5 tries for a boy... I was suppose to be the boy and dealt with years of issues because I wasn't. Fun fact, teo of us girls are more 'boyish' than my brother will ever be. He is a cool cat but outdoors and hunting are not his jam.

My sis and I are the outdoors type. Dad has since apologized but the younger years were rough. Gender bias is dumb. If you nothcwant another kid do it, but do it for another kid not the 50% chance of an XY chromosome pair.

These hot takes from Reddit spark a lively debate, but do they capture the full picture? Some see the wife’s wish as harmless, while others fear it could sow seeds of resentment. What’s clear is the community’s knack for blending empathy with sharp insight.

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This couple’s story is a poignant reminder that family decisions carry the weight of past and future. The husband’s fear of repeating his childhood pain clashes with his wife’s dream, leaving them at a crossroads. Should love for a child come with no strings attached, or is it okay to hope for a specific gender? Readers, what would you do in their shoes? Share your thoughts and experiences—how do you navigate dreams and realities in family planning?

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