AITA for giving my baby the same name as my best friend’s ex?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A name can carry a world of meaning—or a decade-old grudge. In a cozy coffee shop, a pregnant woman sips decaf, her hand resting on her belly, dreaming of her son-to-be named Alan—a nod to her husband’s inspiring teacher and her favorite book’s hero. But across the table, her best friend’s face clouds over, haunted by a breakup from 10 years ago. The name Alan, it turns out, belongs to her ex, and she’s not ready to let it go.

This clash of personal meaning and lingering heartache sets the stage for a heated debate. The woman, caught between her joy for her unborn child and her friend’s unexpected pain, faces a dilemma that stirs curiosity: should a friend’s past dictate a baby’s future? As the Reddit community chimes in, the story unfolds with raw emotion and divided opinions, inviting readers to weigh in on this tangled web of loyalty and choice.

 

‘AITA for giving my baby the same name as my best friend’s ex?’

I (30F) am pregnant and it's a boy. I already have a son (2M) named Harry (I changed a name a little so it's more appropriate for English) after my uncle. My husband (32M) and I want to name this baby Alan (also changed) for two reasons :. That was the name of my husband's teacher who inspired him to also become a teacher.

That is the name of the main character in my favorite book (it's not anything weird, pretty normal for our area). The problem is that my best friends ex is also named Alan and she doesn't want her godson to be called that (I already told her she'll be the godmom).

I would understand this if they just broke up but they dated 10 years ago. She broke up with him. He didn't cheat. She didn't cheat. She just stopped loving him. She insisted we pick another name but we love this one. Even Harry agreed he likes that name. My parents like that name.

My in laws love that name. Everybody is happy except for her. She stopped talking to me on Wednesday. Some of our friend heard what happened and told me she said I was the a**hole for picking that name 'to hurt her'. Our friends didn't say anything about their opinion since they don't want to get caught up in it.. Am I the a**hole though?

Naming a child is like planting a flag on their identity—it’s deeply personal. In this case, the woman’s choice of Alan carries heartfelt significance, tied to her husband’s mentor and a beloved book character. Yet her friend’s objection, rooted in a decade-old breakup, highlights a clash of emotional boundaries. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing—it means understanding the other’s perspective without losing your own”. The friend’s pain is real, but her demand to control the name oversteps.

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This situation reflects a broader issue: navigating personal choices within friendships. Studies show that 68% of adults face conflicts over boundaries in close relationships (Pew Research). The friend’s reaction suggests unresolved emotional baggage, possibly warranting therapy to process her past. Meanwhile, the woman’s commitment to the name Alan is valid, supported by her family’s enthusiasm and its meaningful origins.

For a solution, open communication is key. The woman could acknowledge her friend’s feelings, saying, “I hear this name is hard for you, but it’s special to us.” If the friend persists, setting boundaries—like choosing a different godmother—may be necessary. Ultimately, the baby’s name is the parents’ decision, and empathy doesn’t mean surrendering choice.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s hot takes are as spicy as a double-shot espresso! The community rallied behind the woman, with humor and candor lighting up the comments. Here’s what they had to say:

Daffodilzilla − NTA. Change the godmother. Narcissist are not good modèle for kids.. Édit: wow ! Thanks for the rewards and votes.

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Limp-Muffin3003 − She is willing to stop being friends over the name of someone she dumped a decade ago when she was 19/20. Could there be something you are missing - an ominous reason they broke up that she didn’t share at the time?.

If not, then don’t worry, you are absolutely NTA. You’re friend needs to get over herself - the world does not revolve around what she wants. If she’s prepared to dump you over this, better to let the drama queen go.

ValkyrieCain122 − NTA. No one but you and your husband can shoes what your baby is called. If they disagree they just have to deal with it.

CatteHerder − NTA- she has some unresolved issues with that relationship, and it's not your fault, or your responsibility to deal with. While I truly understand not wanting to constantly hear the name of an ex, that is a personal problem which she needs to take care of.

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It isn't your responsibility to manage her emotions, or her response to them. For context, my EX husband has an extremely common name. He is an incredibly violent man, and I have good reason for not liking the name. I know many people with that name,

and people who have been close to me who have given a child that name. It isn't their fault that my EX was a horrible person, and it is wholly unreasonable for me to be upset over someone else having been given that name.. Congratulations on the little one, may they bring joy to your life through theirs.. Edited typo

Teppic5 − NTA, your child's name isn't about your friend! You have valid reasons for choosing that name, and it sounds like you've made your mind up. No one else gets to veto your choice because they once knew someone with the same name! That said, if you're not 100% locked in, maybe you could consider other options for the sake of your friendship? If not, hopefully she'll realise she's being irrational. Congratulations!

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pxander89 − Alan Grant is also one of my all time favourite characters. YNTA.

MemeHecc − NTA, 10 years is more than enough time to get over a breakup. If she’s still really struggling with it she needs therapy, that’s not on you or your unborn baby. (Congrats btw!!)

likeahike − NTA, you are not doing it to hurt her, that is her totally wrong reasoning. Her past doesn't factor into your decision making, as it shouldn't. This is not even remotely about her and if she can't see that, she's not as good a friend and person as you thought.

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CaRiSsA504 − NTA. This is a 'her' problem, not a 'you' problem. Ignore the pouting and the behavior. You've had the conversation, you've both said what you had to say, and it doesn't sound like you are inclined to change your mind. It's been a decade, either we're all aboard the moving-on train or she's going to be left at the station.. Choo-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

hollyjazzy − NTA, if you can’t name you kid a name because it’s the name of a friends ex bf you’ll be limiting you choice of names severely. Why is she even remembering him 10 years later with such hostility if he didn’t hurt her? She fell out of love with him, he didn’t cheat on her or abuse her.

She also doesn’t get a say in YOUR child’s name, that’s up to you and your husband. If you and the rest of your family(bonus!) are happy with the name, go for it. If she’s not happy or talking to you, time to look for a new godmother, she’s not a good friend and isn’t a good role model for your child.

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These opinions pack a punch, but do they mirror real-world wisdom? Some Redditors urge cutting ties, while others see deeper issues at play. It’s a lively debate, but the truth lies in balancing empathy with autonomy.

Naming a baby should spark joy, not a friendship feud. This story shows how past wounds can clash with present choices, leaving us to wonder where loyalty ends and personal freedom begins. The woman stands firm on Alan, backed by family and Reddit’s chorus, but her friend’s silence speaks volumes. What would you do if a friend’s old heartbreak tried to veto your baby’s name? Share your thoughts—have you faced a similar clash of hearts?

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