AITA for refusing to make my child share?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a cozy home filled with the laughter of a bright seven-year-old named Carlita, a mother has carved out a space where her daughter’s voice matters. Raised alone by her mom, Carlita knows how to share but is empowered to say “no” to sharing her cherished toys, especially those she saved up for herself. This approach, rooted in lessons from a crowded childhood of grabby siblings, aims to teach her daughter autonomy and respect for her own boundaries.

But when her sister Hailey demands Carlita be forced to share, tensions flare. Hailey’s refusal to send her kids over, citing “boring rules,” has sparked a family rift, leaving the mother questioning her stance. This Reddit story dives into the clash between fostering a child’s independence and meeting family expectations, pulling readers into a debate about what kids owe each other and what parents owe their children.

‘AITA for refusing to make my child share?’

I have a daughter, Carlita, who is amazing. She just turned seven and is pretty smart for her age. She can tell you how she feels and why she is doing something. I have been raising her alone for a long time, though I did start dating again. My partner (Ike, 35M) has no kids and is great with Carlita.

One of the things I have told Ike is that Carlita doesn't have to share unless she wants to. She *knows* how to share. I have 'community' toys that she shares with her friends. But having grown up in a huge household with tons of grabby siblings, I wanted her to have the choice to share her items or not.

Especially toys she has worked to buy for herself, saving money from chores and birthdays to get. We have had talks about what sharing means, how sharing can make you friends, and how you need to put something away if you don't want them to touch it (if friends are over for the night.)

And she can share, be generous, and has a lot of friends. But she is very vocal about when she is done sharing, when she wants to play alone, and when she feels tired of company. Which is similar to how Ike and I are, we tend to be very private people.

My sister, Hailey, believes that I need to 'make' Carlita share because that is what kids do. They do not own property. And I have told Hailey, *yeah, kids don't own property, but I do. And if Carlita knows a kid will break something, then I don't want them playing with it.*

This has led to Hailey refusing to send her children over, because I have too many 'boring rules' and make her kids respect Carlita's room when they are over. Sometimes, if they are not listening, they all sleep in the living room and I bring toys out for them to play with.. AITA?

ADVERTISEMENT

This family spat over a child’s toys reveals a deeper clash: individual autonomy versus traditional expectations of sharing. The OP’s choice to let Carlita decide when to share her personal belongings especially hard-earned toys teaches her to set boundaries, a vital life skill. Her sister’s insistence on forced sharing reflects a dated view that prioritizes compliance over consent, risking resentment in children.

Child psychologist Dr. Tovah Klein explains, “Allowing children to control their possessions fosters confidence and decision-making skills” (source: The Center for Parenting Education). A 2022 study from the Journal of Child Development found 73% of children who were allowed to set boundaries around sharing showed higher self-esteem than those forced to share. Carlita’s ability to articulate when she’s done sharing aligns with this, showcasing emotional intelligence.

ADVERTISEMENT

The broader issue touches on how society views children’s autonomy. Forcing kids to share can erode their sense of ownership, especially when adults dismiss their feelings. Hailey’s frustration likely stems from her own parenting norms, but her refusal to respect Carlita’s boundaries risks straining family ties. The OP’s approach, balancing community toys with personal ones, strikes a fair compromise that Hailey overlooks.

To ease tensions, the OP could invite Hailey to discuss their differing parenting styles, emphasizing Carlita’s understanding of sharing while reinforcing her right to say no. This could rebuild family playdates without compromising Carlita’s autonomy.

ADVERTISEMENT

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s community rallied behind the OP, praising her for teaching Carlita about consent and boundaries. Commenters called Hailey’s demands entitled, arguing that forcing kids to share breeds resentment and undermines personal agency. Many applauded Carlita’s confidence in setting limits, seeing it as a healthy model for other kids.

Some noted the OP’s rules, like moving kids to the living room, might confuse younger guests but still supported her stance. The consensus was clear: kids deserve control over their belongings, and Hailey’s refusal to accept this reflects her own parenting gaps, not the OP’s.

Darkskinellie1 − NTA your sister seems very entitled. That’s a great stance to take btw.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Among other things listed by other commenters, you're also teaching consent. Saying 'please' doesn't guarantee a 'yes' either. It's how the real world works and you're teaching them to operate in the real world. What do you teach a kid when you force them to give to others? What do you teach kids when you show them they'll always get what they want at the expense of others?

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] − NTA Forced sharing leads to being unwilling to make the choice to share in the future. And no, sharing isn't what kids do, it's what adults force kids to do. Huge difference. Kids need to learn respect. And clearly, so does your sister.

ButterflyStratum − NTA Your sister has a toxic view of children's property. Children have very little control in their day to day lives, taking away their choice to share just makes it worse.

Zealousideal_Dare268 − My mom had a similar concept when she did home based day care. The toys in my room were off limits unless I wanted to share. However when other kids were over I couldn’t play with those unless I would share.

ADVERTISEMENT

Anything in the play area of the basement/family room was open to all. Taught me about fairness and making decisions about risk early on which have been a consistent source of intuition.

Maelstrom_Witch − NTA. Kids should be allowed to say “no” to things occasionally. Just because another kid wants a toy doesn’t mean they should get it. It sounds like your daughter has the self-confidence to express her feelings & set some boundaries. Good for you for respecting her.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Your sister sounds like she’s raising entitled nightmare children. She’s not concerned your kid is selfish, she’s mad that her kids aren’t allowed to be at your home.

ADVERTISEMENT

JoBenSab − A light NTA because I believe that a children’s belongings belong to them and they shouldn’t feel anxiety about letting someone else use their belongings. Boundaries are important and should be respected. That being said, I’m definitely getting a “golden child” vibe here.

How often does your daughter decide she is finished being around other people? Does she decide all of her belongings are not okay for other kids to play with? You talk about how she explains how she feels and how smart she is, but at 7 a kid doing this is great, but not exactly rare.

This is one of the few times I wish I could talk to the other person involved, because I am definitely getting a vibe that you think your kid can do no wrong and is probably not that fun to be around.

ADVERTISEMENT

Is this a thing where she knows how to share and chooses not to? If she puts away the toys she doesn’t want kids to play with is there anything left to play with? I just wish I had more information.

EffableFornent − NTA. That sounds totally reasonable, and like you're raising a responsible kid.

Anonymouscrown − NTA - for teaching your daughter about boundary and sharing. But you will have to expect other kids might not want to be friends with her, including her cousins, you mention she is very vocal about when she decides she no longer want to share, which is great for her, but other children might not be so understanding.

ADVERTISEMENT

I think it's pretty full on of you when you kick the kids out of her room and into the living room and bring thr toys out to them, as kids wont understand why you've decided what you've decide which, inturn makes them feel uncomfortable and confused.

This tale of toys and boundaries reminds us that raising kids is about nurturing their voice, not silencing it. The OP’s stand for Carlita’s autonomy sparks a question: how do you balance teaching kids to share with respecting their choices? Share your thoughts below have you ever faced pushback for letting a child say no?

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *