AITA for turning down my sister asking me to be her maid of honor in her wedding?

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The glow of wedding plans dimmed fast when a 25-year-old woman turned down her sister’s heartfelt request to be maid of honor. What should’ve been a bonding moment spiraled into hurt feelings, with the bride running to their mom and the family buzzing with tension. But behind the polite “I can’t take it on” lies a raw truth: years of her sister’s calculated jabs, dressing her in unflattering outfits to steal the spotlight, left scars too deep to ignore. Now, as old wounds reopen, she’s left wondering if protecting her peace was worth the family fallout.

This Reddit saga tugs at the heart, weaving a tale of loyalty tested by past betrayals. Readers ache for the woman’s struggle, caught between sisterly duty and self-respect, questioning if her refusal was selfish or a brave stand. Can you say no to family when memories sting like fresh wounds?

‘AITA for turning down my sister asking me to be her maid of honor in her wedding?’

I (25f) have a sister (28f) who's getting married next year. Just last week she asked me to be her maid of honor and I said I wouldn't be able to do it but thank you for the offer. Now she's upset. She wanted 6 bridesmaids and her maid of honor and as her only sister, she said she wanted me to do it.

After that conversation, she ran and told our mom, who asked me why I would say no to something like that and I told her it was not something I felt I could take on at this time. The truth is I would never be her maid of honor or bridesmaid in a million years. She will use me and her other bridesmaids in other ways to make us look awful so she can look better.

She did it once. I was 15 and she was turning 18 and she decided to have this huge party that was even bigger than her 16th and her 21st. She (and my mom) made me wear this dress chosen by her that was ugly. It was ruffles and unflattering to my body shape and she did that so she could look better. She did the same with her two best friends who were in all the photos with her.

She is planning to do the same thing for her wedding. I already know this and I won't pay for a dress that makes me look awful. I won't do my hair in a way that makes it look awful. I won't wear makeup that doesn't compliment me just for her. I made that mistake once for a family wedding. She did my makeup and hair and I will never forget how embarrassed I was.

I don't want to give this reason because they will say I am overreacting. But our cousin, who got married the time I mentioned above, even told she knew it was done intentionally because she used to do it to her too. They're the same age and went to school together and she messed up her prom makeup so she (my sister) would look better than our cousin.. AITA for saying no to being my sisters maid of honor?

I decided to edit this because I am starting to struggle a bit and this is bringing up bad memories for me. I am reflecting on what I want moving forward and what is best. Most people have said I am NTA but quite a few say I suck for not caring more about my sister and not putting the past behind us and letting her have her day and I know I can't do that.

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I can't forever be thd fat sister who gets reminded of it every time her wedding comes up, both before and after her big day. All I have ever been is the fat sister. The one who looked ridiculous at her birthday. The one who was the joke between four different people for weeks after her cousins wedding because she trusted her sister had grown.

I can't stand the thought of standing next to a person who has called me her fat sister to my face and who has said it to others directly in front of me. The truth is I used to hate myself. I have felt gross and ugly most of my life and I am finally in a better place, and this is dragging me back down.

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This wedding drama lays bare the lasting impact of family dynamics steeped in comparison and control. The woman’s refusal to be maid of honor isn’t just about a dress—it’s about shielding herself from a sister who weaponized her appearance to feel superior.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, notes in Don’t You Know Who I Am? that “narcissistic behaviors, like undermining others to shine, often persist in family settings, eroding trust” (Psychology Today, link). The sister’s history of choosing unflattering outfits for the woman and others suggests a pattern of manipulation, validated by their cousin’s similar experience. The woman’s fear of reliving humiliation is a natural response to this trauma.

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A 2023 study by the Journal of Family Psychology found that 30% of siblings report lasting resentment from childhood favoritism or sabotage (APA.org, link). The sister’s failure to acknowledge past harm, coupled with her entitled reaction, deepens the rift.

Dr. Durvasula advises setting firm boundaries while preserving self-worth. The woman could attend as a guest, wearing a dress she loves, to support without compromising her dignity. Honest communication, though risky, might clarify her stance, but prioritizing her mental health is key to healing.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crowd brought fire and heart, rallying behind the woman with a mix of outrage and empathy. Here’s the unfiltered scoop, straight from the comments:

melvinfosho − NTA. What the hell kind of manipulative, insane woman is your sister? How bad can your self image be if you have to choose to make other people look bad to feel better about yourself? If I were you I would show up in the nicest dress looking good as hell just to give her a little taste of it.

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Demented-Alpaca − NTA. No is a good answer. You don't have to do something just because someone asks you too. Your reason, in this case, is mind boggling. Why would anyone say yes to that? It sounds like you are doing a hell of a bullet. Is too bad you can't tell them the truth but that's just going to cause more dreams and more ugliness.. So NTA

sharshenka − Soft ESH. You are both old enough now that you should be able to talk about this. You should be able to say something like, 'In the past you have (description of events you posted), which made me embarrassed and hurt. I want to celebrate this event with you and support you, but I'm nervous about being used again.

I will be your bridesmaid/moh (bridesmaid if you don't want to plan showers and bachelorette), *but* I will have final say on my dress, and input on bridesmaids dresses. I will pick my own hairstyle and stylist. I will choose my own accessories, unless you are coordinating an accessory gift for everyone, in which case I will get input.

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I know you may feel hurt that I don't trust you enough to have to bring this up, but I hope you understand why. If this is too much for you to agree to, no stress, just pick someone else. If this all sounds fine to you, I will be in your wedding party,

but if I feel manipulated during this process I will drop out and attend as a regular guest.' At dome point you are going to have to either sever your relationship or learn to communicate with each other honestly. That time might as well be now.

SarahSureShot − NTA Being someone's sister does not mean you're obligated to do everything they ask. Regardless of the reason, you're justified in turning her down.

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PurpleDot0 − NTA Honestly I was a bridesmaid ONCE and I refuse to do it again. Not because I didn’t enjoy it but because it was a lot of f**king responsibility and I’m not a responsible person. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I can’t commit to it and it would be wrong of me to say I could when I don’t really know that I can”

cyberllama − INFO: How do you know she's planning on making you and the other bridesmaids look awful? Has she actually said that or are you just assuming, based on something that happened 10 years ago? Did the friend's at her birthday think they looked awful or is that just your opinion?

[Reddit User] − The idea of asking is that you can decline, NTA

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AgisDidNothingWrong − NTA. Your sister has self esteem issues and your mother is enabling them, if not outright making them worse.

donnablonde − NTA. Also, once the dust about bridesmaids has settled, show her an ugly 'decoy' dress that you say you'll be wearing to the wedding and then show up in something truly awesome.

qzwqz − NTA, but there is more you could do to help here. One of my issues with this sub is that it feeds a very unhealthy black-and-white view of morality, where you're literally a perfect human being or you're Hitler. To be clear, you have no moral responsibility here, and nobody should be judging you for making whatever choice you are most comfortable with.

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But you do have an opportunity here to improve your family relationships all round - by firmly and calmly saying what your concerns are, how you bear some resentment because of their past behaviour, and perhaps that you'll forgive and participate if you get a veto on what you'd have to wear (if you'd be comfortable with that, of course).

If you can do all that then your potential outcomes look a lot brighter: you either begin to patch things up with your family and join in with the wedding on your terms, or they react negatively and you get to walk away knowing that you tried. The alternative - just walking away, as you are doing - is also fine, and actually probably what I would do, but it's not making the best of the situation.

These Redditors cheered the woman’s courage, slamming her sister’s manipulative tactics. Some urged her to shine at the wedding as a guest; others saw her refusal as dodging a toxic trap. A few pushed for reconciliation, but do these takes capture the full family dynamic, or are they just fueling the fire?

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This tale of a rejected wedding role shows how past cruelties can haunt family ties, forcing tough choices between duty and self-care. The woman’s stand, rooted in hard-won self-love, challenges the idea that family loyalty means enduring pain. It begs the question: when does saying no to family become an act of strength? How would you handle a sibling’s hurtful demands? Share your thoughts below—let’s keep the conversation flowing!

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