AITA for refusing to sleep in same bed as girlfriend until she tries to get anxiety under control?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine being yanked from sleep by screams, your girlfriend shaking you, certain you’ve stopped breathing. For this Redditor, this isn’t a one-off nightmare but a recurring ordeal driven by his girlfriend Mia’s trauma from losing her previous boyfriend to a seizure. Her anxiety, unchecked after years, turns their shared bed into a battleground, leaving him exhausted and desperate. His solution—sleeping on the couch until she seeks help—ignites a firestorm of hurt feelings.

Mia’s pain is real, but so is his need for rest. This clash of trauma and boundaries pulls readers into a tense debate: is his couch move a cruel ultimatum or a necessary stand? The Reddit community weighs in with sharp takes, and it’s clear this isn’t just about sleep—it’s about balancing love with self-preservation in a relationship tested by unresolved grief.

‘AITA for refusing to sleep in same bed as girlfriend until she tries to get anxiety under control?’

I’ve been with my girlfriend “Mia” for a couple years. We barely moved in not too long ago and this particular incident happened a few months back. Quick backstory: Mia had a boyfriend for years before she met me. He passed away and it was very traumatic for her.

He had epilepsy and had a seizure in the middle of the night once when they were asleep. Mia didn’t know until she woke up that morning and found him unresponsive. Few years later she met me and we started going out. I was aware of what happened after we started dating and I always tried to be understanding about that.

So back to this incident, Mia woke me up once in the middle of the night in a full blown panic. I’m talking screaming my name and shaking me hard. She told me she thought I wasn’t breathing and freaked out even more when I wouldn’t wake up. I consoled her for the rest of the night because she was terrified and crying nonstop.

I tried talking to her about seeing someone because his death was obviously traumatic for her and I was surprised to find out she never did counseling. She said she only did a few sessions but didn’t like the guy and also didn’t wanna talk abt her ex that way.

But this keeps happening. Not as bad as the first night but Mia just constantly wakes me up because she gets scared I’m not breathing. I did see my doctor incase there was actually something wrong with me and we did a sleep study. Everything came back clear. But still she panics if she thinks somethings wrong and wakes me up.

Have tried to be supportive because I know she doesn’t mean to be this way but even after I keep telling her we should look into finding her help, she doesn’t want to. For me sleeping is important. I wake up super early and already have trouble falling asleep as it is. If I wake up, it takes time til I can fall asleep again.

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A few nights ago I kinda had it with the lack of sleep. I told Mia I’m sleeping on the couch and rather not sleep in the same bed until she can agree to find a way to cope with this anxiety. Because I feel we can’t live like that and she shouldn’t have to constantly deal with that fear.

Mia has been mad at me ever since. Telling me I’m being an ass for punishing her over something she has not control of. I just felt like I was at my wits end. It’s been a few months of this and I didn’t know what else to do.

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She’s been distant but when we do talk she makes it known how much this is hurting her. So I do feel really bad and I’m wondering if changing our sleeping arrangements until she gets help was an a**hole move because it’s like I’m forcing her to go to therapy, in her words. AITA?

This sleep saga is a heart-wrenching mix of love and limits. Mia’s anxiety, rooted in her ex’s tragic death, is valid but paralyzing, disrupting the OP’s health with nightly wake-ups. His couch move isn’t punishment—it’s a boundary to cope with sleep deprivation. “Mental health issues don’t excuse harming a partner’s well-being,” says Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist quoted in Psychology Today. His work stresses that untreated trauma can strain relationships, especially when help is refused.

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Mia’s resistance to therapy—after a brief, unsatisfying try—leaves the OP in a bind. A National Institute of Mental Health study shows 75% of anxiety patients benefit from therapy or medication, yet her reluctance, possibly tied to guilt or fear, stalls progress. The OP’s clean sleep study confirms the issue lies in her trauma, not his health, making her panic a personal battle impacting them both.

This story highlights a universal challenge: supporting a partner’s mental health without sacrificing your own. Dr. Winch suggests “empathetic encouragement” for therapy, like offering to help find a therapist Mia trusts, per BetterHelp. The OP’s boundary is fair—Mayo Clinic notes sleep loss affects mood and cognition. He could propose couples counseling to navigate this together, fostering teamwork without blame.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit jumped in like a late-night emergency crew, serving up support with a dash of tough love. The community’s takes are as bold as an alarm clock, backing the OP’s boundary while urging Mia to act:

PotentialityKnocks − NTA. The problem isn’t that she has no control over her anxiety, it’s that she’s not taking *any* steps to gain control in spite of knowing her actions are harming you. She needs professional help for this.

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lallaw − NTA.. The truth is this is something she does have control over: she could choose to get help. Her behavior is not normal and is impacting your health and wellbeing. Not to mention you have to sleep on the couch. She is lucky you didn't move out and that you care enough to try and help her through this.

You are right to tell her, in so many words, that this is not an acceptable way to live and she needs to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps she could try a sleep aid to allow her to sleep more deeply and not awaken in the middle of the night, checking your pulse. But that will just be a bandaid.

Green_Cattle − NTA. You're not 'forcing her to go to therapy', you're setting the boundaries you need to set in order to remain a functioning human while still trying to be there for her. I have the utmost sympathy for her suffering and I can't begin to fathom the level of trauma that must be impacting her,

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ut nonetheless I have to say that she's being TA in this situation--partly to you, but above all to herself for not taking the steps she needs to heal. I don't know heaps about therapy admittedly but would she be more amenable to the idea if you offered (in a gentle non-pushy manner) to come with her?

singing_stream − NTA. Depriving you of sleep is abusive behaviour.. i know that's not her intention, but your health will start suffering if she carries on. She needs to get help.. Saying she has no control over this is not acceptable - because she's refusing to get help for it..

My ex suffered from severe anxiety, and woke me quite a few times having a panic attack. The problem with that is that i have c-PTSD, and if i'm startled awake, i jump straight into panic attack mode myself. My ex's panic attacks were incredibly loud and he literally shouted and screamed.

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I tried my hardest to react calmly, but in that situation it's so difficult - imo it should be on him.. the conscious person to make sure they don't impact the sleeper. (just like i made sure i didn't impact on him) It's my opinion that any time your mental health impacts on another person, and you refuse to get help for it, you're an a**hole.

[Reddit User] − NTA. You need your sleep. I was considering N A H, except that Mia could get help to control her fear, she’s just not willing to. This could be a deal breaker if she’s not willing to consider therapy, I feel terrible about what she went through,

but I know I wouldn’t tolerate being woken up to her screaming panic attack, especially after getting checked to make sure you didn’t have any sleep issues. Sleeping in the same bed as her is not feasible until she addresses her issues.

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Xenavire − NTA, but doing this is making her anxiety worse. She desperately needs help though, why exactly is she refusing? It's not a problem that will go away on it's own.

SuperVillain85 − NTA. She needs help, but she needs to recognise she needs help. At the moment she seems to just accept that it’s something she has no control over.. I wonder if you might talk to your own doctor about it privately - they might have some suggestions.

Standard-Lime870 − Am I the only one that thinks this story is identical to one that was posted here a while ago?. It honestly felt like déjà vu reading this. NTA I guess

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wind-river7 − NTA. Talk about sleep deprivation and she thinks that you are the selfish one here. She needs help and to get these fears under control.

Consistent-Leopard71 − NTA. It's not you responsibility to manage Mia's anxiety, it's hers. You aren't upset with her for having anxiety, you're upset with her for refusing to seek treatment for her anxiety.

Which is something that she can control. Mia needs to work with a therapist to find coping mechanisms and/or medication for her anxiety that do not involve keeping you awake at night. She's being unreasonable and this is a hill to die on.

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These Redditors rallied for the OP, calling Mia’s refusal to seek help the real issue, not his couch retreat. Some saw her actions as unintentionally harmful, others suggested joint therapy. Do these spicy opinions hit the mark, or are they just stoking the fire?

This tale of sleepless nights and tough love is a stark reminder that relationships require balance, not sacrifice. The OP’s couch move isn’t about shaming Mia—it’s about surviving her untreated anxiety while urging her toward healing. Her trauma deserves empathy, but his health matters too. What would you do if a partner’s struggles kept you up at night? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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