AITA for wanting to stick to “rigid gender roles”?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

Picture a cozy home, a steaming dinner on the table, a 9-year-old giggling over homework, and a husband strolling in to a spotless haven—pure bliss for a 38-year-old man during COVID chaos. His 34-year-old wife, an introvert burned out by retail, traded her paycheck for a duster, pouring her energy into homemaking magic. With savings in play, she kept the family afloat, and he soaked up the calm, unstressed vibe. A win-win, right? Hold that thought!

Fast forward: she’s back to work from home, flexible and fulfilled, but hubby’s pining for his “housewife” days. Arguments flare, he skips counseling, and her clever fix—split roles, split cash—works like a charm. Until her shiny new car rolls in, and suddenly he’s crying “rigid gender roles!” She fires back, he storms out. Dear readers, grab a fork—let’s dig into this tasty tangle of deals, dreams, and domestic drama!

‘AITA for wanting to stick to “rigid gender roles”?’

I(34F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 10 years now, and we have a 9 years old daughter. When COVID hit, I lost my job. Because I was used to being busy, I poured all my time and efforts into homemaking. My husband loved coming home to a clean house, a cooked dinner and a wife thay was not stressed (I used to work in retail, and as an introvert, it was hell).

Keep in mind that I was still providing financially from my savings. Last year, I got back to work (like I mentioned, I don't like having nothing to do, and with my daughter in school, I got bored with staying home). I was lucky to find a job that allowed me to WFH, and have flexible hours. My husband on the other hand hated not having a 'housewife'.

After a lot of arguments, me staying with my parents for a couple of weeks, and him refusing couples' counseling I cam up with an idea: I asked him what he liked about having a housewife? He mostly said what I mentioned above. So I told him that I will be taking charge of the home and childrearing, but in exchange he has to take care of our expenses on his own, like a true breadwinner.

He agreed. For the last 9 months or so, I stuck to my side of the deal, the house is always clean, I make breakfast, pack his lunch, have dinner ready when he gets home, help my daughter with homework...etc. the thing is, I am still working and earning money, it's just that now, that money is mine to do with whatever I want, no longer am I helping with/splitting the cost of bills and groceries.

Last month I went ahead an got myself a car upgrade, and it was like I flipped a switch. Now he is saying that he wants to get back to 'how things used to be'. I refuse. I said that I like how things are right now.

He said that 'rigid gender roles' have no place in a modern relationship, so I said that he should go invent a time machine and tell that to his past self from a year ago. He got so upset that he left home to cool off, and I think I was an AH for how I phrased it. So AITA?

Talk about a domestic plot twist! This savvy wife turned COVID’s curveball into a homemaking homerun, only to clash with her husband when work-from-home revived her spark. Her deal—I run the home, you pay the bills—landed perfectly for 9 months, her earnings now her own. His flip-out over her car upgrade? A classic case of wanting the pie and eating it too, especially after dodging couples’ counseling.

ADVERTISEMENT

This taps a bigger picture: gender roles in modern marriages. A 2023 Pew Research study shows 29% of couples still lean traditional—men earn, women manage home—but flexibility is key (source). Her setup worked until he saw her thrive. Dr. Sarah Kline, a marriage expert, notes, “Equity, not equality, drives healthy partnerships—agreements must bend, not break, under change” (Psychology Today, 2024).

Her sharp “time machine” quip stung, but his backtrack reeks of envy. Advice? Sit down, hash out feelings—why the car set him off. Revisit the deal: split some costs, share some chores, or try counseling again. Balance is gold.

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit swooped in with zesty takes, serving up laughs and truth bombs galore! Here’s the spicy scoop from the crowd—buckle up for some real talk.

[Reddit User] - NTA He f**ked around, he found out. Remember, when you expressed reservations about playing that role, he was perfectly content to go with unfair roles so long as he THOUGHT he would get the advantage.

ADVERTISEMENT

Now he sees his own choice benefitted you and wants to shift back. He sounds unreliable and like he’s competing for positioning in your relationship, like he wants all the “good” and is content with unfairness so long as you’re receiving the bad end. That’s not healthy or okay.

Siara-chan - NTA - I'm sorry but I laughed so hard at this. Now that you seem to profit from the whole package deal he wants to back out? God forbid you getting something nice for yourself after you treat him like a king and cater to his demands and literally being wife, mother and maid. You're being a fulltime housewive and have a WFH job? Good on you, bravo.

That can't be easy to manage. I think it's only natural that you get to keep your profits to yourself. He agreed to the deal. Of course it might be a good idea to talk this over in a calm and adult manner with your husband because you'll either have to find a compromise or move out.

Living in a household where parents are on bad terms with each other isn't ideal. Perhaps he's been trying to save for something he desperately wants and seeing you just up and make such a large sum of money set him off? I think it's jealousy fueling this. Try and have an open discussion and see if he opens up to you. Who knows where it might lead.

ADVERTISEMENT

ChibiSailorMercury - Girl. If I had a crown to give you.. DAMN. 'My husband wanted a housewife because it benefitted him and was fine with the division of labour and roles in the couple until I started benefitting from it' But what got me the most is how he refused couple's therapy and needed to cool down because you got a job and went back to a modern division of labour and roles.

It's all about having his cake, eating it and keeping you from having some, right? Not a healthy state of mind from a husband and coparent. You'll definitely need to work on that together, because this is toxic.

NTA. But you know he's not angry about the way you phrased it, right? He's angry about not making you change your mind and make him benefit from your money. Eventually, when he comes back home, you guys will need to reach a consensus. Can't wait to read your update!

ADVERTISEMENT

Cocoasneeze - NTA He wanted you to do all the chores, while also working and paying half of the expenses. That's what he wanted.

GarbageGworl - NTA. They want rigid gender roles until they realize they have to fulfill the expectations of traditional male gender roles.. He dug his grave.

[Reddit User] - NTA, he got precisely what he asked for. I also feel suspicious of any man that doesn't help with the child rearing, regardless of the arrangement, he should want to be there..

ADVERTISEMENT

Tricky-Flamingo-7491 - NTA You can't have your cake and eat it too.. Your husband is a greedy, manipulative a**hole.

robdob - NTA, husband complained when you worked and didn't do all the homemaker stuff, you offered a compromise, he accepted, now he's complaining about the compromise. Sounds like what he really wants is to split expenses AND for you to handle everything at home, which is unreasonable.

Dipping_My_Toes - NTA - I'm having trouble figuring out whether you really, on an emotional level, prefer these rigid gender roles or if you just used your head, set up a good deal for yourself and are enjoying holding your husband to it when he sudden realized he'd outsmarted himself.

ADVERTISEMENT

Either way, I have a feeling that your well-designed plan may have an expiration date, but the two of you need to work that out. If you want to hang on to your marriage, I suspect couples counseling is going to be needed. Good luck and I do congratulate you on how you handled your Mr. Cleaver wannabe--that was well done.

nattatalie - This isn’t even really about rigid gender roles, this is about an agreement you made in your relationship to make things work. You both noticed things were better with you filling the role of homemaker and him being the breadwinner and when things weren’t this way you both agreed you weren’t happy and wanted to go back.

Now that he sees you thriving in this role and getting something for yourself he wants to switch back? That’s incredibly immature and disrespectful. He agreed things were better and also refused therapy, I’d say if doesn’t like the way things are now therapy or splitting up might be the only choices, because trying to force you back into a situation you both know makes you BOTH unhappy sounds incredibly stupid.. NTA.

ADVERTISEMENT

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they hit the mark? Is she a genius outplaying his game, or is this marriage teetering on a shaky deal? Maybe they’re one chat from harmony—or a u-turn to chaos.

What a whirlwind! A wife crafts a clever deal—home and kids for her, bills for him—turning a COVID shake-up into a win, only for her car upgrade to spark a husbandly meltdown. He loved “rigid gender roles” until her paycheck shone, and her sassy comeback sent him packing to cool off. Reddit cheers her on, but the real fix lies ahead. Is this a triumph of smarts or a marriage needing a tune-up? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Spill your thoughts, fixes, or tales below—let’s stir this pot of love and roles!

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *