AITA for telling someone the truth about why they aren’t being invited out very often anymore?

Jonathan Hours
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Picture a sunny afternoon at the lake, canoes bobbing gently, laughter in the air—until one friend’s panic halts the fun. A group of forty-somethings, eager for a rare day out, finds their plans derailed by a familiar pattern. One woman’s anxiety casts a shadow over their outings, turning excitement into frustration. Her fears, from scary movies to open water, spark debates that sap the group’s energy, leaving everyone on edge.

The Reddit user, fed up after yet another disrupted plan, decided to speak the truth when asked why invitations were dwindling. Was their honesty a necessary wake-up call or a harsh blow to a struggling friend? This story dives into the messy balance of compassion and candor, exploring how mental health challenges ripple through friendships, leaving readers wondering where loyalty ends and personal boundaries begin.

‘AITA for telling someone the truth about why they aren’t being invited out very often anymore?’

I’m in my 40’s now and as it usually goes, don’t go out often due to schedules and frankly, I like home. When I do, there is a particular woman that is being phased out because her anxiety is ruining the fun for everyone else. She is asked out, is told exactly what is planned and then she freaks because it will be a scary movie or something like paintball with spouses and “she can’t deal”.

It ruins everyone’s good time because now we have to convince her to go along or just change plans. I have become vocal about my distaste in her accepting and then repeating this pattern. The last time we went to the lake and a number of us wanted to rent canoes and she flipped out that the lake is scary, etc.

Now I get the fear of water because I’m not a fan but I’m also able to compartmentalize in order to move forward. I said, “Look, whomever wants to go now I would like to go. I don’t want to wait another hour while we do this again.” Rude I know but I was just over it. Two people joined me right away and we left.

She is fully aware her anxiety holds her hostage but doesn’t seem to understand that it holds us back too. As a result, she is being invited out less often and it seems to have fallen to me to tell her why. I suppose the reason she asked a couple of others and not me is because she knows I’ll tell her the truth but didn’t want to hear it.

She called and wanted to know if what she was thinking is true, that we are purposely not inviting her anymore. “We’re generally not inviting you to the things that we know you’re going to be upset by. I get that you can’t help what your anxiety is doing to you but as I said, losing an hour or more at times trying to convince you to go ahead with the plan isn’t fun for us. You aren’t the only one that is frustrated.”

I said it as kindly but honestly as I could. She was very upset obviously because I absolutely confirmed her fears but really, what else could be done? She asked and I answered. The opinions are all over the map. Those that don’t like confrontation think I shouldn’t have said anything. Those that are tired of it, appreciated me being the one to finally say something to her.

EDIT: I’ve only been hanging out with this group for a couple of years but they’ve been together for around 7. She has always been and will be invited to things such as quiet nights in a house or coffee dates but the general feeling for everything else is “What’s the point?”

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Navigating friendships when mental health issues disrupt the vibe is a delicate dance. The Reddit user’s blunt honesty about their friend’s anxiety reveals a clash between personal boundaries and empathy. The friend’s anxiety, while involuntary, stalls group plans, creating a cycle of frustration. Dr. John Grohol, a psychologist and founder of Psych Central, notes, “Anxiety can dominate social interactions, but untreated, it risks alienating others” (Psych Central).

The OP’s situation highlights a broader issue: how mental health challenges test group dynamics. The friend’s refusal to seek therapy or medication, as noted in comments, exacerbates the strain. Her anxiety isn’t just personal—it hijacks shared experiences. Data from the National Alliance on Mental Illness shows 19.1% of U.S. adults grapple with anxiety disorders, yet only 36.9% seek treatment (NAMI).

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From the group’s perspective, constantly adjusting plans feels like coddling, draining their enjoyment. Yet, the friend’s fear of missing out (FOMO) likely drives her to accept invitations she can’t handle. Dr. Grohol’s insight suggests she may need professional support to break this cycle, as awareness alone isn’t enough. The OP’s honesty, though tough, could be a catalyst for change.

For solutions, the group could set clear boundaries, like offering low-stakes activities (coffee dates) while firmly sticking to plans for high-anxiety outings. Encouraging therapy gently, perhaps by sharing resources like NAMI’s helpline, could help.

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Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit hive mind didn’t hold back, delivering a mix of empathy and tough love. Here’s a snapshot of their takes, served with a side of humor—because who doesn’t love a spicy Reddit thread?

Goingkermit - NTA. She asked the reason and you told her. Changing plans all the time because of one persons anxiety to everything, save yourselves the headache.

ianb2626 - NTA - She asked and you answered. It didn't sound to me like you were being particularly harsh... but told her the truth. It wasn't the answer that she wanted to hear but maybe now she will have enough awareness to understand what is happening in her social life and maybe she will get some help that she needs.

[Reddit User] - NTA - judgement changed based on info. Leaving my original comment as well. \[NAH leaning hard toward your side of things. She absolutely sucks here because of these situations her anxiety causes, but I know from personal experience that sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do in the moment to quell the anxiety.

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That being said, it seems she is aware of her anxiety, is aware of the problems it causes since she was spot on with knowing how your group was feeling, but does not seem to really be doing much to control the situation (e.g. seeing a therapist, taking medication, etc, which she may be doing already but we don't have that info).

If this were the case, I would say that makes her the a**hole then because she is doing nothing to try to work on her anxiety. Either way, I don't think you're the a**hole!\]. ETA: a word; judgement update.

milcatlady - NTA- after reading a comment where she isn't taking meds or seeing a counselor, then she's not trying to resolve the problem AT ALL. I question if this is all anxiety, or partially anxiety, partially a learned behavior that this gets her attention. Either way, she's TA for not being an adult and seeking treatment for something that is clearly greatly affecting her life.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. She asked. It's not like you offered the information unsolicited. However, you can always reframe your get-togethers. Rather than changing plans due to her anxiety, say 'We're doing XYZ. Do you want to come along?' And give her the chance to say yes or no, but make it clear that the activity has been decided on. And if she still wants to hang out with the group, she can propose activities that are comfortable to her.

verminiusrex - NTA. Was in a social group that did dinner outings a couple times a month, one person's 'delicate stomach' dictated where we ate too many times so we just told her that sometimes we are going to get Mexican or Indian and can't do Applebees every time just for her.

It's always a bummer when someone gets left out of a social group, but the only reason to tone it down for the slowest/most delicate member is because they add something to the group, and it doesn't sound like she's doing this.

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champagnequeen2 - NTA at all. You all pay for these activities and take time for these plans. No one wants to coddle an adult having an issue. Your time and money is valuable to you and you should be able to enjoy it. You're also all adults, you're allowed to not be friends with people you don't want to be.

VisualCelery - NTA. Here's the issue, she's accepting an invitation for something she can't do due to her anxiety, and then expecting the plans to change. Either she's lying to herself that it'll be fine and then chickening out at the last minute, or she takes for granted that the group will accommodate her.

She's probably accepting these invites because she has serious FOMO, and is worried if she turns down too many invitations she'll stop being invited, but obviously, this has backfired, and she needs to understand that. The group would prefer that she only attend stuff that won't cause issues with her anxiety.

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SquirrelGirlVA - NTA. She needs to know. Yes, it will hurt but you weren't trying to be cruel and *not* telling her or lying to her would be more detrimental because then she would wonder if there is anything *else* that is causing people to not invite her. She really needs to speak with her doctor or a therapist about this.

If she already has one (and I hope she does) she needs to talk to them and let them know how much this is impacting her life. I would say that this is a 'no assholes here' situation except that this appears to have gone on for a very long time and she either isn't seeking out help or isn't really willing to acknowledge and deal with the problem,

either by seeking more/different therapy and/or by not accepting invitations to things she knows would trigger her. I will say, however, that it would be good to try to find activities that can work around her anxieties, such as a movie night at her house. They shouldn't be the only activities you guys do, but it would be good to have some things she could attend. I assume from the way you wrote this that you guys are already doing this, however..

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UPDATE: Just saw a comment that she isn't going to therapy or taking meds. That's really not going to help her at all. Some anxiety disorders cause people to really need medication. I knew a woman who had such bad anxiety that she couldn't drive and had to go on disability - and this was on medication, so you can just imagine her without it.

idkwhattotypehere123 - NTA - I hate scary movies, I’m terrified of them and they flare up my PTSD. But when my friends go to those I just say no from the get go, I don’t stop them from going! And I’m always down for anything else. But I don’t agree to something, then change my mind!

These hot takes from Reddit range from supportive to skeptical, but do they capture the full picture? Is the friend truly unaware, or is this a cry for attention?

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This tale of friendship and frustration leaves us pondering: where’s the line between supporting a friend and protecting your own peace? The Reddit user’s honesty sparked debate, but it also opened a door to address a tough issue. Balancing empathy with boundaries isn’t easy, especially when mental health is in play. What would you do if a friend’s struggles kept derailing your plans? Share your stories and insights below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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