AITA For doing unto my husband as he does to me?

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In the quiet strain of a marriage, a woman’s heart aches for recognition. For three years, her husband has skipped her birthdays, anniversaries, and Mother’s Day—not even a card—while she gifts him thoughtfully. When he demands a Father’s Day present, she laughs, refusing to give what he denies her, citing her hurt over his excuses and unkept promises.

His defensive outburst—“Fine, don’t get me anything!”—only deepens the rift. She treasures her kids’ homemade gifts, like a peanut butter jar from her 5-year-old, but craves her husband’s effort. Is her tit-for-tat refusal a fair boundary, or a petty jab at a flawed but good man? This raw tale of unmet expectations pulls readers into a marital crossroads.

‘AITA For doing unto my husband as he does to me?’

So for the last 3 Birthdays, Christmases, Anniversaries, Valentine's Days, etc my husband has NOT gotten me a thing, like not even a card. I ALWAYS get him like even if it's small, but he legitimately just asked me for a Fathers day gift and I laughed

and said I am not getting any more gifts since you got me nothing for Mother's Day, I explained that a hand made card, a written note, homemade breakfast, etc. would've been appreciated, just something that shows he cares and thought about me in advance, it doesn't matter what it costs, it's the thought .

He blew up at me saying that he is sorry, but I am hurt, he always has an excuse he forgot, he doesn't have the money to get me what he wanted, etc. Money is a BS excuse btw. AMITA for doing unto him as he does to me?

Edited to add that after Mother's Day, I said matter of factly that since he doesn't get anything for me, I will no longer be getting anything for him because obviously holiday gifts don't matter to him, something I know to be untrue,

and I told him yesterday during a,discussion about his birthday, to buy his own gift because I am not buying him anything. He acknowledged that he doesn't get me,anything and I said, yeah and that hurts, he said he will next time, a comment I've heard a lot over the years.

Edit #2 I was asked to add the fact that he did ask me days before mother's day what I wanted and I asked for him to grill chicken (we had chicken in the freezer,) and for our kids and he to make me a card. He didn't want to day of, so he said I can make dinner or he'd make eggs and toast. I said I would just order take out.

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No card made from anyone, but our 7 year old of his own accord (saw it was Mother's Day on TV or YouTube kids,) made me a picture, and seeing our 7 year old do something that morning, my 5 year old woke me up with a half eaten jar of Peanut butter as,a gift hahaha! AND to add that we're not getting a divorce, he's a good husband in many other ways, not perfect, but who is?

Edit #3 He blew up saying 'Fine don't get me anything then! FINE!' And other defensive things people say when they know they are wrong but don't want to admit that they are

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Edit #4 the final edit wow that blew up! Thanks to all who understand that I don't have to justify how he's a good hubby in other ways, those who get that it's not about getting a gift, it's about being appreciated and acknowledged by him. I just wanted to feel important for once. Thank you to those who also get that the picture and peanut butter are wonderful and cherished gifts!

This gift-giving standoff is a mirror held to a marriage’s cracks. The OP’s refusal to gift her husband reflects years of unaddressed hurt from his failure to acknowledge her on key occasions. His excuses—forgetfulness, lack of funds—ring hollow against her modest requests, like a grilled chicken dinner or a card.

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Reciprocity fuels relationships. As couples therapist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Small gestures of appreciation sustain emotional bonds.” The husband’s double standard—expecting gifts while giving none—breeds resentment, worsened by his defensive reaction. This reflects broader marital issues: neglect, even unintentional, erodes trust.

The OP’s stance, while sharp, signals a need for change. A calm discussion, perhaps with a counselor, could clarify expectations. If he dismisses her again, maintaining her boundary is valid. Her kids’ gifts show love needn’t cost much—her husband could learn from them.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s takes are as heated as a marital spat over forgotten holidays! Here’s what the community had to say:

VaguelyHelpful − NTA gifts don't have to cost money to make you feel good and appreciated, I have handwritten cards from five years ago still. you put up with it for years, and it's unfair that he got so mad about it when you made it clear that what he got you didn't have to be expensive, it could be made with what you already had, it just had to exist

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MrLarryMcBonerTown − NTA. I'd have already filed for divorce. He has no excuses. He's just a s**t husband. Edit: Because twenty of you imbeciles have responded to this comment over night, and I don't feel like responding to any single user in particular..

OP states she had tried to talk to them about this.. And they've been together for years. Her husband is blatantly ignoring her feelings. Further, attacking my character and making s**tty off handed remarks about me because you don't like my opinion really just shows how much of an *a**hole you are*.. Go find something else to b**ch about.

darkandtwisty99 − NTA and sounds like he feels guilty for not buying something for all of those occasions but is too childish to own up to his mistakes. Also, if he misses more than one occasion and doesn't buy you something it's not because of whatever b**lshit excuse he made up,

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it's because he doesn't care enough to remember. Sorry if that sounds really harsh but think about it, you always make the effort to buy something even if it's small because you care, and therefore you remember.

adequicated − NTA because he is specifically requesting gifts for the holidays while choosing to ignore you... That's f**ked up

KhanJrJr − NTA. He expects you to continue to lavish him with presents while continuing to ignore the days that are special to you. He’s spoiled and selfish.

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Baby_Steps_172512 − NTA it sounds like this had been going on for years now, and I think it's good for him to get a little taste of his own medicine.

[Reddit User] − Nope, NTA. I had to learn to do the same thing with my husband. I got nothing for years while always doing something for him. When I stopped, he actually expressed relief that now 'he didn't feel like he should be doing that s**t'. I just buy myself something I want now. I do miss the surprise & feeling worth but it's better than nothing. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Reddit User] − NTA It's petty, but for him to expect kindness where he shows none is ridiculous.

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BeachingPanda − NTA husband has double standards, this is a teachable moment

GonnaBeIToldUSo − NTA. But remember this do not give him anything! Threatening to and then getting him a gift doesn’t accomplish anything. If he isn’t going to give you a gift or card you need to hold firm to the same standard. If it doesn’t matter to him then don’t let it matter to you. Either you’ll make a point with him or he won’t care and then you will just have to deal with it.

These opinions flare, but do they light a path or just stoke the hurt?

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This giftless drama leaves us pondering: was the OP wrong for refusing her husband gifts, or was mirroring his neglect a fair stand? Love and appreciation tangle like unwrapped ribbons. What would you do if your spouse ignored your special days? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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