AITA for refusing to go to Christmas dinner with my ex and her new fiancée?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The holiday season sparkles with twinkling lights and warm gatherings, but for one dad, it’s a tangle of emotions wrapped in tinsel. After a 12-year marriage ended when his ex-wife came out as a lesbian and got engaged to her colleague, he’s facing a Christmas conundrum. His ex wants him to join her, her fiancée, and their two daughters for a festive dinner, but the thought of playing happy families stings like a snowball to the face. Caught between his daughters’ pleas and his own discomfort, he’s torn about what’s best.

The situation feels like a holiday movie gone wrong—heartfelt intentions clashing with awkward realities. His daughters, aged 13 and 11, are caught in the middle, their hopes for a united Christmas tugging at his heart. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do you balance personal boundaries with keeping the holiday magic alive for your kids?

‘AITA for refusing to go to Christmas dinner with my ex and her new fiancée?’

We were together for nearly 12 years and we divorced last year when she came out as a lesbian and announced she was in love with a colleague who's her now fiancée. We have a 13 yo daughter and a 11 year old daughter. We share custody but aren't friends on a personal level. Every Christmas, we got together with the kids and my parents up until we split.

But because of what's happened, we were undecided what to do this year. I obviously don't want to be around her it her new woman. I mean - who would want to be around an ex? So I was thinking I'd spend the day with my parents with the girls being with her and then I'd have them maybe Boxing Day.

So we were talking the other day and we were discussing Christmas and she asked me what my plans were. I told her I was thinking above. She said she and her fiancée were wanting to invite me around so I can see the girls and stay with them in the spare room.

I told her I don't feel like it, and that I would rather be with my folks and then have them boxing day. She said that was unfair and I needed to think of the kids. At this, the girls got wind and asked me if I'd come. I said I didn't think I could. They basically shut me down and don't want to talk to me now unless I come.

Here's where I'm torn. I spoke to my folks about it and they said they obviously want me there but would understand if I didn't. But at the same time, it's going to be difficult to play happy families with her, her fiancée and the girls knowing what's gone on.. AITA for refusing?

Navigating post-divorce holidays is like walking a tightrope over a pile of Christmas ornaments—tricky, but not impossible. This dad’s reluctance to dine with his ex and her fiancée is understandable, given the fresh wound of a 12-year marriage ending. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in his work on Family Psychology, “Co-parenting requires clear boundaries to maintain emotional health for both parents and children.” The dad’s hesitation reflects a need to protect his well-being, while his ex’s push for inclusion might stem from wanting to normalize her new relationship for the kids.

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The opposing views here are clear: the dad prioritizes emotional distance, while his ex seeks a blended family moment, possibly to ease the girls’ transition. Neither is inherently wrong, but involving the kids in adult negotiations adds pressure. Statistically, 50% of divorced couples struggle with co-parenting dynamics, per a 2023 study from the American Psychological Association. The dad’s discomfort risks creating tension the kids will sense, potentially dimming their holiday joy.

Broadening the lens, this story highlights the broader challenge of redefining family after divorce. Gottman’s research emphasizes that “consistent, predictable routines” help children adjust. The dad could propose a new tradition, like a special Boxing Day outing, to show love without compromising his boundaries. For now, he should calmly explain to his daughters that his choice isn’t about them but about keeping the holiday peaceful for everyone.

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Ultimately, open communication is key. The dad should set firm boundaries with his ex, perhaps suggesting separate celebrations that still prioritize the kids. This balance respects his needs while keeping the girls’ holiday spirit intact, ensuring everyone gets a slice of festive cheer.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit crew dove into this holiday drama like it was a plate of Christmas cookies—everyone had a take, and they weren’t shy about sharing. From fist-bumps to raised eyebrows, here’s what the crowd had to say:

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LadyNerdArtist − NTA, petty of her to involve the kids when we both know what she's doing here. She either has good intentions and doesnt realize or she is making a power play. Sorry you're going through this. Do whats best for you and if it is putting yourself through that for ur kids im sorry

BingandBong123 − NTA. It's a tough situation, and I get why you wouldn't want to go. You do have to think of your kids, but personally I would sit down with them and explain that you love them and do want to spend time with them,

but it would upset you to spend time with their mum and her new partner, and that you want to have a fun day with them on Boxing Day instead and not have a weird Christmas you wouldn't enjoy. They may not understand now but I'm willing to bet they will in the future.

Ok_Size_8987 − NTA. She walked away from the marriage. She is your ex. You don't have to do her any favours. It's also horrible to try guilt tripping you with the kids

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SciFiEmma − NTA. The girls will cope for one day and will still get time with you. No point giving them the gift of the Most Awkward Christmas Ever.

stavros257 − She wants the acceptance of her relationship by you , putting the daughters in front ...... Tell her , she is welcomed alone at your parents house for family Christmas to see her reaction !. Lets see if she puts kids first in that scenario.....

[Reddit User] − NTA. Your discomfort won’t magically disappear if you’re there, and your kids will pick up on that and probably will have a worse Christmas. They’re just excited now for the idea of all their parents together again.

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They aren’t seeing what would most likely happen. That’s not their fault, but it definitely makes your ex the AH for sharing the option with them when she’s already heard how uncomfortable it makes you.

Master-Manipulation − NTA. Boundaries need to be discussed with ex. You need to explain the last sentence of the last paragraph to your ex and lightly to your kids.

To ex “Ex, I know you want everyone to be happy, but this arrangement is difficult for me. I loved you and thought our marriage would last forever.

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Though I’m supportive of you being true to yourself, I have to be honest with myself by saying it hurts; it hurts being around your fiancé and watch you play happy family with her and the girls. It reminds me of what I’ve lost. That’s why I can’t be there on Xmas day and I want you to respect that.” To girls: “Girls, I know you’re upset and it’s a big change, but that’s part of life.

We don’t always get what we want and it makes us sad. I want you to spend a fun time with mommy and fiancé, and then I’ll see you on Boxer Day with Grandma and Grandpa, who would be sad if they don’t see me on Christmas. We’ll be starting a new tradition with lots of love and fun.”

dakkarium − Look, are you gonna be able to keep it together spending Christmas with them? And if not, do you think seeing their parent miserable on Christmas is gonna be good for your kids? Give the kids a call Christmas morning, tell them you love them and you'll see them boxing day. I'm sorry all of that happened to you

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[Reddit User] − NTA, do whatever makes you most comfortable. It's all new still. I'm a stepmom, and honestly my SO's ex-wife has really become my best friend over the years. 🤷‍♀️ It's super weird sometimes, definitely was in the beginning, but it can work. We all spent last Christmas morning together, at mine & SO's house. [Me, SD, SO, his ex & her SO]

[Reddit User] − NTA an I’d be having a discussion about an agreement to not discuss the other parent with the kids or keeping planning away from them. It isn’t right that she is influencing their opinion of you by sharing this info.

These Redditors brought the heat, cheering the dad’s boundaries or calling out the ex’s tactics. Some saw her invite as a power play; others urged him to grit his teeth for the kids. But do these spicy opinions capture the full picture, or are they just stirring the holiday pot?

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This dad’s Christmas dilemma shows how messy and human post-divorce holidays can be. Balancing personal comfort with kids’ expectations is no small feat, especially when old traditions meet new realities. He’s trying to keep the peace, but the path forward requires clear boundaries and open hearts. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences—how do you navigate tricky family dynamics during the holidays?

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